Thursday, December 31, 2009

Do you ever think about me?

So! I am quite excited because because because because beacaaauuuuuusseeee!

I have found hope again. Silly how i lose it sometimes.
I think i like to look for it in strange places.

also, i have recovered my ability to hear melodies in my head.
this is incredibly exciting for me. for, you see, i used to hear these songs in my head all day every day and for some reason called i-lost-my-purpose-to-live, i had also lost this ability [the song hearing]. but today while on the way to the theater, i heard it. i heard a melody. it is a sweet one--and i cant wait to coax it out to play with me. its something like this:

under the city lights a man can lose his life
its a little bit harder to find hope
if i've locked it up in the drawer
its a little bit harder to see this light
if i've shut the door

i know you can't hear that. but i can. I CAN!
its a bit like an injury. say you're a tennis player and your arm suddenly starts to hurt so badly that you can't quite hit the ball as you're used to. your arm doesnt connect with the racket as it used to and you certainly dont send the tennis ball soaring over the net in quite the same way. so you take it easy, dont play as hard, and just wait. oh you still play, you feel you have to in order to breathe. but you certainly don't give it your all. then one glorious day, your arm feels better. without any warning or heads up, you feel great. and you're back in the swing of things.
its appreciation. and remembrance. its sweet, sweet comfort.

yes, that is exactly it.

Friday, December 25, 2009

I think I'm losing it.
What is it?

my mind
my heart
my life

i think i've been losing it for quite some time and have never had the time to stop and feel it. i am forced to feel it right now...and its absolutely awful. i do not like feeling. i hate it.

today, i had an awful thought.
and i cried.
for quite some time.
because i didnt feel understood.
like an annoying teenager.

but its the truth.
i feel too far gone. and i dont think anyone will want to accept that.
nor will they hear it.

the end. feels. important.

Tuesday, December 22, 2009

Surprise Form.

Recently, I have been searching...or rather...accepting?
Allow me to explain.

I find myself trying to seek out life, trying to catch it and hold it captive...claim it as my own. I try to coax out the song lyrics and force them to show themselves. I try to play the matchmaker in my own love story by trying on new last names like outfits with new shoes. I try to force myself into being a real adult that tackles problems head on without any help. But where does that get me?

I so desperately want to be in control, to be the one in charge. I want to know why. I want to know detail. I want to know everything. But this, as i am sure you must have figured out, is impossible.
Then I ask myself, "Would I be content if I knew everything? What if I knew every song I was to write, the last name I was supposed to take, or the real life plan I was to come in contact with? Would I truly be satisfied?" Of course not. Then I would be seeking it out, trying to make it happen quicker, make happiness come to me sooner.

The point is:
I have come to the conclusion that life is better in surpise form. Everything that has been worth while has been a surprise. It happens unexpectedly. I haven't tried. I haven't sought it out, it's just there.

It is time I let go and stopped trying so hard.

I see you in your darkness and I hold onto you.

Monday, December 7, 2009

Wouldn't it be nice to fall in love?

Wouldn't it be nice if my confidence wasn't shattered?
Wouldn't it be nice if you sang to my tune?
and wouldn't it be nice if the sky was bluer?
Wouldn't it be nice to fall in love?

Wouldn't it be nice if we fell for each other?
To buy a brand new house with our name on the step.
Wouldn't it be nice to grow older together?
Wouldn't it be nice to fall in love?

and the world, it keeps on turning.
oh, the world, it doesnt stop for me.
and we'd love, yeah we'd love to make it stop.
just to learn to understand how to love.

Wouldn't it be nice if the whole world knew eachother?
and they wouldn't hate, no, they'd understand.
Wouldn't it be nice to have a great big family
Wouldn't it be nice to fall in love?

Oh we'd love.
Wouldn't it be nice if we fell in love?
Wouldn't it be nice if we fell in love?

Did you want me to change?

Am I the villain or the victim here?

I am trying to decide which direction I need to go. The object of wanting to go there isn't an option anymore. I have a misconstrued sense of thoughts nowadays anyway.

I want to write music as sticky sweet as lisa mitchell.
You're my clean white love. You're too clean white love. What are you doing to me, what are you doing to my head?

I think this is possible.
I will try.
Her chords are simple and easy.
Its all in the vocals I think.

Yes, definitely. It's all in the voice where the world collides. Where the sky says hello.

Saturday, November 28, 2009

My Heart Doesn't Move

My heart doesn't hurt a little tonight...
It's breaking open at the seams.

I mean...I seem to know heartache so well that I write about in everything. But here I am, hurting so terribly for something that I feel.
Sometimes, I hate feelings.

Today. Was. Such. A. Mixture. Of. Emotion.

I found out some terrible news that lead me to a place of worship, oddly enough, which lead me to bitterness, which then lead me to denial, and finally I found a place of excitement that took me to a place of awe and wonder, then to extreme longing and desire...the kind that just seems to hurt.

I am hurting.
Jon Foreman stood on a stage tonight daring me to move. asking me "what are you waiting for?". saying that the time is now...tonight.
I stood in a crowd asking him "how?" Dearest Jon, how do I move? Why do I feel like this? What does it take to get up there with you? I'm ready to move. How?

It's no accident we're here tonight.
I believe that.

What do I do now?

If you rip my heart open at the seams, you'll find music. Sweet, sweet music.

Thursday, November 5, 2009

the greatest of these

my heart hurts a little tonight
because of what i cant have.
welcome to the place i'll never land.
welcome to the place i'll never learn to stand.

does your heart hurt a little tonight
because of all you can't have?
welcome to the place that you've landed
welcome to the place where you'll never stand.

but i'm calling you
to be brave
i am calling you
to stand up and say
that its love that molds us
and makes us stay
and we're calling you to be awake

does your heart hurt a little
because you're learning to understand
that to welcome you to the place you've landed,
i've got to welcome you with a broken hand?

the greatest of these things is love
and it's for love that i am called to grow
maybe if i travel to the shore
the ocean will take me where i am restored
the greatest of these things is love.
the greatest of these things is love.

Friday, October 23, 2009

Please Tell Me

Someone tell me that I can do this.
Someone tell me that I haven't wasted money and time.

My soul is longing so much to be what I see in my head. My soul is longing for what I know. I can see it so clearly. I can feel it running through my veins.

Someone tell me that it will come soon because in the magic room, I feel a symphony surround me and maybe that isn't enough.

Wednesday, October 21, 2009

Your Tears Say You're Alive

Tonight, I found myself in a strange but safe place.
I felt dirty. Spiritually dirty. Unworthy to sit in my Father's lap.
I don't know if you've ever felt this way, but I feel it a lot...especially recently.
My heart's desire is to be pure and righteous. I want to have my heart in the right place all of the time.
I want to be constantly seeking Him in everything that I do.
I haven't had this desire before. I wanted to be the do the right thing. but now...
Im honestly desiring His heart.
And with that: I find a song.

With a song of triumph, You came to this world
Crying "Freedom, freedom, I bring freedom to you."
And here I see my life and feel unworthy to know You.
You call me love, Your child

"Lift your eyes up to Me.
I have cleansed you
you are free.
And as I send you into the world,
I give you the desire to show the light
I have placed within you."
And I give my life to You.

With a song of triumph, You'll come back to this world
Crying "Freedom, freedom, I brought freedom to you."
And here I am, I wait only for You.
You call me love, Your child

"Lift your eyes up to Me.
I have cleansed you.
You are free.
And as I send you into the world,
I give you the desire to show the light
I have placed within you."
And I give my life to You.

Create in me a clean heart.
I cry for righteousness, righteousness
In Your name.
Create in me a clean heart.
I cry for righteousness, righteousness
In Your name.

Seriously, I have never felt this way before. I want to be clean. I want to be blameless. And He creates me that way. He gives me a pure heart, a pure mind, a pure life. God, take my desires and make them Yours. Take my music, my heart, my goals...and make them Yours. Only Yours.

Tuesday, October 13, 2009

A Question of Romance.

I was recently asked what I wanted in a husband.
My answer has changed over and over again. I have finally come to a conclusion (I think).

It would be easy to say that I want what God wants for me. It's true, but I cannot deny the things that I want too which I hope and pray is the same as His.

I want a leader
a worshipper
a man of honor
a man that sees deeper than the surface
a man that puts Him first
a man that doesn't run fast
a man that I feel safe trusting whole heartedly

I have confidence that he will be all of these.
It seems worth the wait I do believe.

I'm perfectly content right now just living and knowing that I am single for a reason. I am single for this time because I have many, many lessons to learn.
Contentment is sweet on my tongue.
Redemption is fresh on my mind...

...and i pray that it is on his too...

Monday, October 12, 2009

Rejoice, Sing a song of Redemption
The whole Earth sings along as we praise You
Rejoice, Sing a song, our Redemption Song
We will live to exalt You here.

we lift our hands to praise You
You are the Lord, You are the Lord our God.

Your glory resounds in the universe
You'll come to us
Clothed in Righteousness

Monday, October 5, 2009

I Have Been Learning.

My boots were clicking on the pavement today as I walked to and from class. I felt important not only because I enjoyed being able to wear said boots and a scarf in the deliciously cold air, but also because I felt my sense of direction, my new sense of being able to live, fill me up. You see, I wanted to write this blog a long while ago (and by that I mean last night), but I was too emotionally stirred up to write it. However, now I'm not exactly sure what I was going to write about. I'll attempt at it anyway with a series of bullet points about what I have been learning since I have been back in little 'ole Highland, CA. I want to share my heart with you. Please sit back and read. It is all I have.

  • Compassion. I know I've always been one to go around spouting the word like the troup of high schoolers still on a peace trip. I have known compassion for others for a long time. The thing is, when I was young, I would pray for it. I found a prayer journal of mine that had endless requests about wisdom and compassion for other people. However, in the past couple of weeks, I have felt compassion on my own life. I have done things that I am definitely not proud of in the slightest bit, but I find myself free from it today because of that word that has etched its way into my every being. When I would sing the words written by some of my favorite people, "My God is mighty to save!", I would often believe and hear in my head that my God is mighty to save North Korea, people with eating disorders, sex slaves, African child cetera...but here's the deal, here's the truth: He wanted me to hear it for myself. I believed, whether I knew it or not, that My God is mighty to save everyone but me. Well, of course, Miss Mosher, if He can save them, He can save you. Exactly. And this is the kind of compassion I have learned. A simple sentence, but a strong and truthful one.
  • Not Wait, But Live. A good friend of mine was facebook chatting with me when I was having a...lets call it...rough day. I found myself, of course, on youtube watching Hillsong's Brooke Fraser singing "I will exalt You..." and that spark inside of me burst into a gigantic flame. I am supposed to be doing what she is doing. I want to be up there more than anything, encouraging girls like me to love and worship God. No, more than I want to, I have to, I belong there. It's my calling in life. However, I also know that now is not the time and God has a plan. So, it puts me in this place, where I sit and wait--and wait--for His plan to be carried out. My friend re affirmed my desires. He said "You're alive and at home when you're up there. I know it will happen, but until then, you have to live. Live not wait." Wow! What a profound statement. I always find myself in a waiting period and it stifles my living! There is so much that I have lost because I have been waiting instead of living. Even more than that, my mom and I have always laughed at the fact that when I'm not trying to further my music or whatever, the best opportunities are thrown at me. Everything that has changed my life has been a quick decision and has had the least amount of planning. In other words, I was living (not waiting) and an amazing opportunity came up.
  • Sometimes, you have to detach. This is probably the hardest thing I had to learn when I got back from the dirty south. I'll just say it straight: My friends cannot save me. In order to lay down everything I knew, everything that killed me, I had to step away from everything I loved--especially the people I loved. I am the type of person that clings tightly to the people I know. It's partially not my fault. You see, while I was in the hospital, I was taught that my supports (I'm realizing what a strange word that with many terms I learned in recovery groups and such)--the people that I run to when the fighting gets tough--were the main aspect of my recovery, that they were the ones that were going to get me through it. Example: when I would talk in therapy about a struggle I went through over the weekend, my therapist would ask "Did you ask for support from one of your supports?" And while I still believe that people are a vital part in recovery and accountability, I have recognized through the past weeks and month, that people will fail. People cannot be the only thing you have to run to. I promise you it is the truth. And there is one reason to it: They are human with personal junk in them too. Again, you may be thinking, Of course, miss already knew that. But really, think about it, did you ever realize what that means? The person sitting next to you has that deep dark black whole that you have. Think of the hardest thing you have to deal with and multiply it by two. Now take half of it and place it into your best friend. There. Now you get it. All of that to say this: I had to detach...I mean completely detach from my friends. I didn't call them to hang out. I stayed in my house pretty much all day (which was a defeat in and of itself seeing as I hate being by myself sometimes) and I prayed, sang, wrote, read, cried, prayed, cetera. And you know what? It was the one thing that really made me realize that I was already free.
  • I am already free. Yes. It is the truth. I am already free. I was already free. I chose to stay in the jail cell although the key was in the door and it was wide open. I chose to stay inside. I had already gained freedom and all I needed to do was take it. I'll leave you with that though as it opens up a huge discussion and thought process.
I'm going to continue to share my heart here. I don't know if people truly read this, but it would be encouraging to know that they do. Tell me what you've learned. Show me your heart. Share Truth.

Thursday, October 1, 2009

Thursday, September 24, 2009

Hillsong Inspires Me. This is the Song.

Time and time again, I run away from You.
I fall down over and over again.
Your love never fails me.
Your mercy lasts forever.

In my brokenness, I find You here.
In my weakness, I feel You here.
Only You are worthy of my praise.
Only You are worthy of my praise.

I see a day where Your freedom fills me up.
Running water that lasts me forever.
Your love never fails me.
Your mercy lasts forever.

In my brokenness, I find You here.
In my weakness, I feel You here.
Only You are worthy of my praise.
Only You are worthy of my praise.

May I only live for You.
You are all I need.
May my voice only sing for You.
You are all I need.
You died so that we may find freedom
You are all I need.

Monday, September 21, 2009

Hope is on your side.

Hey, I can see you there crying.
I can see you there lying
that there's something to feel
Hey, I can see you there laughing
though your soul feels like dying
and you think you're alone.
Hey, I know the emptiness floods in
I know that you hear it
and you think you're alone.
Oh but hey, you've got to get yourself through this.
Only you're the one to do it
and Hope is on your side.
Hope is on your side.
His arms are open wide.
He will carry you through the longest of nights.
Hope is on your side.
His arms are open wide.
He will carry you through the darkness of the night.
Hey, you can run away from it,
tell all the world you're not of it,
but do you want to go and hide?
Hey, maybe take some time to think through it.
Run to the Water and lose it.
Your tears say that you're alive.
You're alive.
Thank God you're alive.
I thank God you're alive.
His arms are open wide.
He will carry you through the longest of nights.
Hope is your side.
His arms are open wide.
He will carry you through the darkness of nights.
And I thank Him, you're alive.

Monday, September 14, 2009

I Knew This Would Come

Hey friends.
I have found myself in the midst of another relapse.
How can I be so selfish? How can I find myself here once again?
Its incredibly frustrating and incredibly terrifying that I knew from the beginning it would happen and I did nothing to stop it.
I didn't all. I let it consume me.
How sickening is that?

It is more important to get better now. More important to stand at the sidelines. As much as I hate to say it.
I need help once more.

Dear Recovery. You don't look so sweet to me anymore. But here I come charging at your ribbon again.
Maybe this will be the last time.

Saturday, August 29, 2009

I'm mad as hell and I can't take it anymore!

It has been quite some time since I have written on here.

For a few reasons:
I've been working at LiNK (Liberty in North and it requires me to be on the computer all day booking screenings for our fall tour.
I've been way too tired to even try to spill out my thoughts.
My mind has been way too jumbled to even figure out what those thoughts are.

But here I am, recovering from the week, ready to write (type) it out.

The past couple of weeks have been ridiculously busy and eye opening. The feeling alone about being with a bunch of people that have nearly the same heart as mine is overwhelming. It's comforting. It feels like home. We all have this enormous passion to save the world, to stand up for someone that cannot stand for themselves. Its incredible what can happen when you put a bunch of people together that have the same boil in their blood. Its impressive really--the amount of passion, dedication, talent, intelligence (whatever you want to call it) that you can cram into an office.
There's one thing I've definitely learned:
You cannot have a group of passionate people unless you know their passion. That may sound obvious, but hear me out.
A guy from Falling Whistles ( check it out--incredible story) came to the office to talk to us about standing up for social justice in the world. I have never felt so on fire and so empowered than when he came to talk to us. He said that liberty is united. Being united in our passion and being united in what makes us want to scream is the most powerful thing we can do. But if we don't know if the person next to us feels the same, how can we stand confidently in what we believe?
He challenged us to speak up.
Huddled around a laptop, we watched a clip where one man gets on a broadcast and gets ridiculously angry. He yells and screams at the camera because he believes in something and is tired of complacency. He is tired of not doing anything about it. He yells at the people watching him all across the nation and challenges them--orders them--to go to their window, put their head out and yell:

And you know what? It worked. People put their heads out of their windows and were united in the streets. Everyone was livid. They were sick of what was going on and they weren't going to stand for it anymore. It gave me chills to hear every alley or street filled with angry voices. Angry voices united in passion and frustration.
Of course, its just a film clip and Hollywood probably took control...but seriously, how many of you would stand up for something if you knew there were more people standing with you? Its a fact: we're more likely to do something in a group. But there will be no group if there isn't an individual.
It takes guts. It takes one voice.

I challenge you to be a voice. You've been given the opportunity. Just go for it. Be mad as hell! Let your emotions run loose because you have the chance.


Monday, August 10, 2009

There is something...

Something that makes me tick when I listen/watch/sing something from a band I love. I can't ignore it.
There is something itching in me to be doing exactly what they're doing. Its desire. Its passion. Its such a deep, deep dwelling feeling that makes me scream. I want to be up there on the stage singing my heart out to people I have never met. I want to be in a parking lot after, sitting with people I just barely met, singing new tunes I created an hour before.
I sit in my office watching jon foreman, leeland mooring, brooke fraser, regina spektor--anyone--playing their hearts out and I am compelled. I feel so much. I want so much. I cry because of it.
I have the drive.
Do I have what it takes?
There is so much that I want to say.

I feel safe inside the music.
I feel safe exposed on a stage where I spill my secrets to strangers who think its only a metaphor...little do they know...its truth.
My truth.
Here come the tears now. I need this. I need to live inside the music.
Its my world. My passion. My feeling.
I feel in music. I breathe in music. I think in music. I see in music.

No, seriously, when I think about becomes a lyric, it becomes a picture that I'll later create in notes, rythm, sound.

Maybe I'm not the greatest writer, maybe my piano skills arent where they should be.
I have the passion. I have the voice.
God is growing me as a musician. He's forcing me to use my voice.
And I could never be more grateful.

Tuesday, August 4, 2009

Finger Painting-Life Analysis...?

I once finger painted a picture of a tree.
I started with my hand prints. Right next to each other, reaching to the sky--or corner of the paper. I painted the sky red and black as a symbol of all the hurt I want to change. It took on the shape of a face, distorted and tortured. It cried from the pain and darkness that haunted it. I painted a crooked boundary between my hands and the red sky with a deep maroon paint. At first I wasn't sure why I did that. I wanted to erase it, but finger paint doesn't exactly "erase". I realized that I felt like there was something holding me back from the people I wanted to reach.
But what?
My tree became green, gold, and brown. The gold shot out of the hand leaves--a glow that I pictured I had. I knew it was because God is in me. He provides the power, the glow, that gives me the confidence to move. My tree trunk was pretty much normal except for the red line dripping down it. When I painted it, I thought I've been there before. Because I've seen the red, been the face in the tortured sky, I'm able to grow into a radiating tree. A tree--a person--that shines gold, shines Christ.
But if I have the power of Christ in me, why the crooked boundary?
The only thing I can come up with is fear. Fear is a monstrous beast that holds us back from doing our greatest work. I'm afraid of my past, afraid of entering the red sky and opening up old territory. My greatest challenge is breaking that boundary. Breaking through the fear that holds me back from the broken sky--the broken people. But with the power of God, the shine of gold, I can accomplish anything. Because I have Christ living in me, I can demolish that boundary, annihilate the the crooked line closing me in.

Sunday, August 2, 2009

1:00 AM...ideal for song writing

an empty room is the best place to see you
its just you and i, the walls, our voices lifting
an empty lot is the best place to meet you
without direction, we're our finest matches

this little voice has learned her place in life
little voice come out and love up the sunshine

maybe we'll walk, maybe we'll run
maybe we'll fly
maybe we'll shatter down the walls and burn these bridges

though im packing up my clothes to try and change the world
i'm coming back to find the walls, our voices lifting
though im leaving for the tallest tower
im coming back to see you growing and living easy

this little heart has grown to love all of you more
little heart come out and love up the sunshine

maybe we'll walk, maybe we'll run
maybe we'll fly
maybe we'll shatter down the walls and burn these bridges

Monday, July 13, 2009

A New Song

i have a really neat friend.
ive been meaning to write her a song.

12 hours ago, i was a girl
in my own world
i saw things
that weren't what i thought
like lollipops
that turn your mouth blue
and stick to you

when the world turns blue
and when all else fails

when i was a young child,
i was tied to a leash
for twelve years
i would walk around the park
with my backpack
the most popular kind
to practice school
in the middle of july
though it didn't start til fall

when the world turns blue
and when all else fails

sing freedom
in an obscure tone
laughing at emotions
when the life talks come out
and when all else fails

its going to be okay
just do a funny dance
its going to be okay
just save up money to fly
its going to be okay
just do a funny dance
lets save the world

Sunday, July 12, 2009

A fresh set of thoughts

Last night was a tough one to get through.
Church this morning revived me.
While I was sitting through an attack believing that I had to be there, I was believing a huge lie.

The pastor this morning was telling us how one morning at church, he believed that he would never be able to give up lying. He would never be able to give up his core sin. He believed it when the very message he was listening to was about believing that God is bigger than his core sin. I began to think what is my core sin? I feel like I have so many of them.


How can I be freed from any of those when they are literally consuming me? I have to believe that I don't have to sit in the depression. I have to believe that there is a time when it will be gone.
There was a time when I felt free from it. I did so much that I never thought I could.

I dont want your encouraging words right now.
I'm sorry, but it makes it worse.
I've heard them all and they will still continue to sound the same so don't try to relate. Don't console me.
I have to come to it myself.

Still there's something else telling me that its worth it.
The strengths, struggles, and sins that I have right now are going to be something beautiful. Its because I have this craziness that I want to save the world. It isn't about me anyway. Its about people that are dying because of injustice in the world. Its because there are people suffering at the hand of a political leader. Its because children are being used, abused, threatened, and killed. I am NOT okay with that. I will lay all of my selfishness--my core sin--aside because I have a heart for the bleeding. I have to go for this.

Maybe instead of coming back completely broken, I'll come back completely healed.

Of course, if its the former, with brokenness comes strength and with strength, we can move the world.

We're changing lives. Breaking down walls. Healing the world.
Activism at its prime ladies and gentlemen.

A fresh set of tears.

Have you ever just felt broken?
Have you ever found yourself sitting and just wanting to cry?
Have you ever wanted to weep and crack in two?
Have you ever felt trapped and abused?

I believe this calls for a fresh set of tears.

I can't help but picture myself imprisoned in this hollow trap of depression and darkness.
I don't say this to gain sympathy or attention; it is merely a fact. I feel like the victim. I don't control this, I promise you that. I would much rather be running around, creating havoc upon the town tonight instead of sitting at home crying because I feel the weight of the world on my shoulders. I would much rather be outside falling in love, watching a star, crying "celebration", or singing a lullaby than lay on the floor wondering how in the world I am going to face sixteen kids tomorrow pleading for my attention and happiness.

Just let it go...
But it isn't mine to let go.
It isn't my decision.
I have let it go--it grabs me, thrashes at me, claws at my very existence.

And what do I have but faith?
I have nothing but faith that it will pass.
It is the time that I have to endure it that hurts me the most.
You see, I know it will pass, but until then, I have to sit through it.

...and its the sitting that gets me

I was born to run.

Saturday, July 11, 2009


I have never felt like anything expresses addiction and depression like this does.
I choked out a cry again...literally threw up emotion.

watch it.

depression is a monstrous beast and it
grabs at me
controls me
holds on to me
grips me in its clutches
throws me around
abuses me

Tuesday, July 7, 2009

Thinking of the past

I often sit at my computer and remember everything I have done to myself.

the abuse.
the hunger.
the darkness.
the ultimate pain.
the thoughts.

I was searching for support tonight. I ran to something-fishy but didnt find what I was looking for in the long threads of, "Keep fighting. You have the power." Searching on google is always dangerous since there are so many pro-ana sites.

I resorted to writing.
I'm just going to write out everything in my head. Be warned. It isn't pretty. Here is my reality.

"You have eaten way too much today. I thought your goal was to lose more weight since you've gained so much and people are starting to think you're normal. You're just like every one else and who wants mediocrity? Who wants to blend in with the crowd? Thats so boring. Being thin means you'd stand out. Better. Better than them. You have more stamina. You can handle more. You've been through more. Done more to yourself than anyone else...kind of. You could do more. Get away with more. Maybe you should resort to something more drastic. You havent OD-ed in a while. Try that maybe. More of it though this time. Its better that way. You deserve it from eating that much today. Disgusting...this body doesnt deserve that much food. You can get away with eating so much less. Remember living on a piece of bread and water? Remember how rewarding that was? It was so much better than feeling grotesque all day. So much better than them. You can be as skinny as her. Even skinnier. You'll look better anyway. Beauty is sacrifice. Gosh, just take those pills already. Do something. You're so lazy and have nothing to do all the time. That time can be spent at the gym, you know that dont you? No one knows you there. Just you and the machines. Machines can't feel. Become a machine. Its easier that way. Life doesnt have to be hard. You're making it harder than it is. Ridiculous. Just give in to what you really want."

and still. that was me filtering some of it.
now, how can you say that ED is a cry for attention.
I'm ready to fight the stereotypes...i think.

As i typed that, something dark came over me. This is not okay.
It wasnt me typing.
I'm scared at how quickly this can creep into me.
Im tortured.

Saturday, July 4, 2009

I have been detached.

For good reason, I promise.

Sometimes, the burden is too heavy to carry that I have to resort to leaving it somewhere else.
I'm sorry that I have left you there too.

Really, it's nothing personal.

It's for good reason, I promise.

Tuesday, May 19, 2009


My best friend and I often go to the park to worship.
I take my guitar.
Yesterday, our emotions came bursting out in a new song.

when you break down, i will break down too
when you cry out, i will cry out too
when you fall down, i will fall after you
when you break down, i will break down too

and i have seen many things in storybooks
but i never thought i'd see you breaking down with me

when you're joyful, i will be joyful too
when you're laughing, i will laugh along with you
in the moment when you're singing that tune
i will sing out along with you

and i have hear many things from storybooks
but i never thought i would hear you singing along with me

we see your mercy surrounding
we cry out when your heart bleeds for your kingdom
we see the joy in your creation
we're desperate to know you more

and i have seen many things in storybooks
i know you were dying for this broken world
i dont deserve this from you
and i never thought you would love me like you do

you have seen everything beyond storybooks
but you still me for me

Two children are sold into sex slavery every minute.

What if you could change that?

Music Beyond Reason is coming up.
We're raising money and awareness for Love146. If you have read any of these posts, you know about love146. But just in case...check out

The concert is on May 29th at the Calvary Chapel Redlands Amphitheater. Its free and starts at 7:00 PM

Be there and be changed. Let it affect you in the deepest sense. Come and listen to some great music for an amazing cause. We're saving lives. Freeing the enslaved. Healing the broken.
Its important.
Its important that you come.

Saturday, May 16, 2009

have you ever choked out tears?
seriously. its like youre throwing up emotion. that happened to me tonight. and it hasnt happened in a while. all of a sudden, i threw up emotion. i didnt literally throw up, but i felt it come out of me as if i was throwing up. thats the only way i can explain it.

this thought:
if the statistics are correct, while i was on stage tonight, 240 children were sold into sex slavery.

Thursday, May 14, 2009

for just a moment...let me be paralytic.

i dont feel like i can move.
out of this year getting involved with love146, never have i been more affected than i am right now.
i read 16 different problems that are frequent in sex trafficking victims.
read them. let them soak in.
these children know pain that i will never know.

1. Infections (skin, urinary,

2. Injuries – soreness of or
bleeding in genitals or anal
region; chronic genital
irritation; bruises, bleeding
or discharge in other parts
of the body

3. Undernourishment
because of lack of meals
and insufficient sleep

4. Aches and pains such as
headaches, abdominal pain,

5. Difficulty in sitting or

6. Difficulty in elimination

7. Sudden sweating or
heart palpitations

8. Changes in sleep
patterns/difficulty initiating
and/or maintaining sleep

9. Changes in
appetite/eating disorders

10. Weakened immune

11. Drug/alcohol abuse

12. Pregnancy

13. Brain damage due to
malnutrition, head injuries,
and drug abuse

14. Consequences of
criminal abortion – local
and generalized infection,
bleeding, emergency

15. Physical effects of
psychological disorders
(For example, obsessivecompulsive
manifested by frequent
hand-washing, resulting in
hand lesions)

16. Somatoform disorders –
bodily symptoms
suggestive of a medical
condition producing
significant distress or
impairment but without
evidence of diagnosable
medical condition
i cant be silent. can you? join me.
lets fight this.

Tuesday, May 5, 2009

im a songwriter for a boy band.

never thought it would come down to this...
here goes...

Verse 1
you know the feeling when you're itching to let something out?
well i can feel it and its bursting through my veins to shout
i think i know its when the music starts to come into
the windows of my car down the highway and im feeling smooth

im a radio junkie
singing as loud as i can
i dont care what everyone sees
oh, let them all stare
when the radio's blasting
turn up the volume so loud
ive gotta sing in my car, oh
come on and let it all out

Verse 2
im in the moment and i dont care who is watching me
(no, no, no)
'cuz when the music's on, there's nothing else that i can feel
(ooh, mmm)
dancing through the lyrics, letting my inhibition go
(let it go)
i'll look folish, but i want this moment to take control


Oh! let your worries go!
Oh! turn up the radio!
Oh! what have you got to lose?
Oh! we're all radio junkies, we gotta turn up the music and let loose!!


done. go ahead and laugh. its brilliant.
waiting to happen is happening.

Monday, May 4, 2009

Back At the Beginning.

Hello lonely internet world.
I feel like I should recap on my life as of the past week or so.
Its been incredibly rough. The question I keep having is "How did I get here so easily?"
Let me explain:
I relapsed. Really badly. I was going on a latte and maybe a piece of toast every lots and lots of water to stifle the ache in my stomach. Then I would hide out in coffee bean all day doing my homework, run to work, and run to rehearsal. I dont know how much weight I lost, I'm assuming a ridiculous amount. My scale is broken so I was never able to check, which is probably a good thing.
Anyway, the point isnt to tell you all the bad things I have been doing. Its to tell you that its so incredibly easy for me to fall further back into my weaknesses. I have no idea, well almost, where all of this came from. I dont want to see food as an enemy. It would be the best if I never thought about my body or food again. I would love it if when I go to order something at a restraunt, numbers of calories dont come up in my head. I would love it if I could order whatever sounded good without thinking about grease and oil and fat. I would love it if I wasnt haunted by calorie intake.
But the thing is, I am. I am haunted and obsessed with it. I dont know how it came about, I dont know where it developed, but its there. And I have to deal with it. Its the worst and seems impossible sometimes. Like right now, I dont feel like I can handle it...but I dont have a choice.I almost got put back in the hospital last night. At first, it seemed like the scariest idea, but now, it seems like a weird comfort. I know the hospital fixed least a little bit. I know it would again, but would it be a cop out? Its easier to be forced to stop everything. but to do it on my own will, thats true strength.
Thats where im at. Im back at the beginning. A place where I have to focus on getting healthy. I fell back in the hole for a little while and it sucked. It still does, but Im going to try really hard with the help of some really awesome friends. I'll be alright.

Tuesday, April 21, 2009

I had an interesting encounter...

Today in philosophy, we started watching Gattaca. I looked up to see one of my favorite parts of Ecclesiastes. I think its chapter 7. "What is twisted cannot be straightened."
I never really thought about what this means.
What does it mean?
Well obviously something that is twisted isnt straight. But, it can be straightened right? I mean, if a chord is twisted, cant i manipulate it to make it straight?
so what does King Solomon mean when he says, "what is twisted cannot be straightened"?

I think it could mean a few things.
1. What you have done, is done. You cant go back and undo it. You cant go back and change it. Maybe he's saying that you shouldnt regret it? Dont regret what you cannot change? The serenity prayer comes into mind. Help me to accept the things I cannot change...If youve twisted it, its twisted. You cannot straighten it since its already twisted. Done.

2. Then again. It could have something to do with being who we are. If we are one thing, we cannot be another. Surely, we remain the same person. Once we are twisted, we cannot be straightened? That doesnt seem to make sense. Maybe its that once we are one person, once we are made into that personality, that person, that identity...we are that person, identity, personality forever. We cannot change into someone or something else. That seems to make more sense. Maybe it seems, now, too depressing that we cannot change who we are. We cannot become something else. King Solomon grew as a person. He tried new things, experienced new experiences and became something greater. Still himself. But better. A better King Solomon.

Thinking about it now. Maybe it means both.
It probably does.
I dont know why im typing all of this out, but I just thought I would share my thinking in it.
What is twisted cannot be straightened. What is lacking cannot be counted.

Sunday, March 29, 2009

A Song From A Robot's Perspective

If I came to your land, you'd ask me what I see.
I see large and small things in technicolor.
The droning hum in the back of my mind stifles my perception
But overall, its a pretty sight.

If I came to your land, I would wish to see
All the people you talk about creating their dreams
Because once i shut off, i often pretend that i see
These people dancing in the streets
And overall, its a pretty sight.

Now Im in your land and Im left wondering
Why were you disappointed and afraid to speak?
I may not be much of a thinker but this i see:
a movement of lovers and a distance of reverie
overall its a pretty sight

dont lose it now, dont lose this sight
overall, its a pretty sight
overall dont lose this sight

Tuesday, March 17, 2009

My friend is in Uganda.

Timmy and I have talked about writing a musical.
We're not sure what it will be called, but it will be about people our age--16-19--trying to do everything in their power to save the desperate world.
I've been exploring a new style of writing music for the hasn't been working out very well, but right now i just came up with something.

I'm holding on to the future
This is my song of what I see
And in this town, I'll see the future
Of empty souls that learn to breathe.

and that's pretty much the chorus of it.
I'm really liking it.

Thursday, March 5, 2009

Im attepting to write a paper for English but my mind keeps turning to the lyrics of Ecclesiastes.
Meaningless, meaningless. Everything is meaningless. Utterly meaningless. Meaningless

Nothing could ring anymore true. Not only because I hate writing papers, but also because is only about one thing. There is no meaning unless God is in it. This paper means nothing. It could be the downfall of my class, but really...who cares? I could have to drop out of my expensive university and go to the crappiest college ever, but it wouldn't matter at all.
Fear God and keep His commandments.

I could even stop going to school (GASP WHAT?!) and that would be perfectly fine. God is so proud of everything I've done already and He'll continue to be proud of me no matter what I do. It doesnt matter if I get terrible grades or amazing grades. He is incredibly proud of me. Thats a great feeling that I love.

It is for this reason that im going to take a quarter off of school.

Wednesday, March 4, 2009

My Heart and My Prayer

I'm beginning my album on Saturday. I'm really excited and can't wait to really get going on it. I feel like this is what I need right now. I need something to get out there. I need my heart on a disc I suppose.

My prayer is that it would be truly worshipful. I want to have my heart truly sung out. I want it to be pleasing to God. I want God to be there in every step of the way. Picking out musicians, playing parts, tracking, mixing, mastering, everything. I know he will be which excites me more than anything.
Anyway, this is dumb because I know no one will ever comment on this, or read it for that matter...

Friday, February 20, 2009

I've written it.

I've written my eternal truth.
"I want to see Your people run to You knowing why their arms are outstretched."

Finally. This song came spewing out when I was frustrated. A friend of mine pointed me to a verse that said to pour my heart out to God. I started to think about what I wanted more than anything. There is nothing more beautiful, nothing more profound, nothing more pleasing to me that to see a group of people with lives abandoned and arms outstretched to the God who saved them. I cant explain the joy and utter relief I feel when I see this.

"My joy to know Your children singing Hosanna's and praises to You."

Today, I feel His love in such a practical way and it blesses me.

Thank you, Father, for the music You've given me today. Thank you for the eternal truth You remind me of. Thank you for Your promises.

Who is God for you today?
Today, He is a promise.

Monday, February 16, 2009

Never and Honest Word...

Bethany Dillon wrote a song of what she sees happening...or what she wants to see.
I see a generation rising up no longer accepting lies, running to the battlefield and losing their lives.

I wrote a song not too long ago, but I cant find my journal. I think im going to have to rewrite it. Anyway, i want to write about what she wrote. something that matters. something that i want to see, feel, hear, be a part of.
not just my stupid feelings that dont matter.
and then there's jon foreman.
c'mon c'mon c'mon, everythings waiting.
we will rise with the wings of the dawn when everythings new.

why am i uncapable of writing something eternal like that.
something that matters.
my lyrics are so trivial.
and its annoying.

are we, mankind, so pathetic that we would wait for the presence a near death nation in order to start saving lives?

my heart hurts.

Tuesday, February 10, 2009


I can't handle this anymore.
You figure it out.

Tuesday, February 3, 2009

Rise up.
I want to see us rising up to do what we said we'd start.

Rise up.
Here is a generation of losers
lost in their mess
gone in their torture

Who's in this?
Get ready to go, go, go.
Who's in this?
Get ready to show, show, show.

Here we go
we're the new generation
Here we go
our enemies will be broken by love
Here we go
Start a new revival stand up to our tradition
Lets start a new show, lets go.

Rise up.
To a new foundation not built on sand.
into gorgeous sights under reaching hands

Rise up.
we're creating an eternal sound
apart from our parents apart from their hounds

Who's in this?
get ready to go, go, go
Who's in this?
get ready to show, show, show

Here we go
we want to be the free generation
Here we go
our enemies will be broken by love
Here we go
start a revival stand up to our tradition
lets start a show, lets go

Sunday, February 1, 2009

Jon Foreman Dared You to Move, I Dare You to Love

I was reminded of my purpose at sandals tonight. How many times can I forget that?
I love to worship. I love to lift up my voice and sing to Him. I love making up the words to sing and I love singing something other than whats expected. I love to dance around and allow the passion behind this voice to let loose. I love to raise my hands and point to Him. I love to lift up His name and feel the words of my heart erupt into harmony and melody. I love that the chords and notes submerge me in His presence.
But even more than that.
I love people.
I love being able to talk to them. I love being able to love them with everything I have. I love helping them through their hard times. I love knowing that even my arm around their shoulders is the only comfort they need. I love that I can be silent and know that Im helping. I love, more than anything in this world, being able to reach out to the broken through my voice, my passion, my purpose. I love leading the lost to Him through my melodies...His melodies. Its a beautiful creation, beautiful thought, gorgeous plan He has for me. And its mine.
There's more to this than just loving Him.
Ive always questioned: why cant i just be in love with Him?
Because, Lauren, I've commanded you to love people.
Why did I wonder why I have such a caring heart that is burdened by those who are hurting, those who have been broken, and those who are lost? Why am I so affected when I heat about a broken heart?
Its because I have His heart. He's given me His heart.
It makes perfect sense.
Break my heart for what breaks Yours.
And He has. So why am I surprised.
I dare you to love. Love His children as much as you love Him. I've never been so sure that this pleases Him and blesses Him more than anything.
There will be more to come about this.

Wednesday, January 28, 2009

i have a challenge for you.

sit down.
think about yourself.
if you were outside of yourself, what advice would you give yourself?


Friday, January 16, 2009

Lets Change the World!!!

I dont think anyone actually reads my blog anymore.
Thats alright. Sometimes I try to write so that people will read it and have thoughts that were provoked by my words, but in this case, I just need to write thoughts out...or type them.
Lately, Ive been writing in my head. That probably sounds really strange. But I have. Its like Im writing a book as Im living. I sort of, for lack of better words, narrate my own life. But its only after the fact that I narrate. Its not that Im constantly narrating. Once something happens, I will then "write" it in my head. For example, this went through my head.
I walked into my classroom and sat down at the back. Yes, the very back. I thought about sitting at the front in attempts to participate more, but Professor IJustWantToGetYouTalking was intimidating enough to cause me to sit at the back...the very back. My back was literally against a wall. I found myself analyzing the students around me. The girl sitting next to me is sporty which I noted from her jacket that spilled out "KrIsTeN" across her lower back...
And so on and so forth. It makes life interesting I suppose. Sometimes its annoying. I really cant control it.
Love146 will be having a benefit concert in May of this year. I will be heading it up and Im ecstatic about it. My mom and I went to Calvary Chapel to see if we could use the upstairs patio...instead we were able to book the amphitheater! Its huge and perfect for our benefit. God definitely did the work there. We hardly said anything to the pastor...he practically offered it to us. It was exciting and such a testimony of how faithful He is. Also a confirmation for me. I am meant to do this. God wants me to run this concert for Love146. There will be girls saved from their hell because of this concert. I couldnt ask for more! My heart is full of excitement.
I took one of the girls that will be playing at the benefit show to see the space and she flipped out. Completely stoked are the words she used...along with a plethora of oh my gosh's and how did you get this's. Needless to say, Im getting on the right direction now. I feel like Im finally living out what I say I am passionate for.
See, the thing is, I know that I have this HUGE desire to change the world, but for a while, I didnt feel like I was living out what I had claimed to be living for. Its only now when things are actually working out, that I feel like Im living out my heart.
I dont want to be known as the girl thats obsessed with the causes and is all about switching from one to the next all the time. I want to be known as a girl that has a calling and goes for it no matter what the cost! I want to be known as someone who, through Christ, changes the world!!

Sunday, January 11, 2009

There is a lot.

I have so much that I want to say.
What has been going on in my life recently?
I've been realizing exactly what I want to do. You might be thinking, Lauren, you say this every time you write on this thing...if anyone actually reads these. Maybe you read them if theyre short. I'll try to make this one kind of short so that you'll read it.
I was telling my friend last night that when I watch someone play or hear someone play, I can't help but want it. I'm in school for psychology and everything because I have this enormous passion for helping that makes sense, no? But when it comes to writing and playing music, its so much more than that. Maybe thats why when I hear someone talking about me becoming a therapist and finishing school, I cringe a little bit. Thats not what I really want. On the surface, yes, thats exactly what my realistic mind says Im going to do. But why should I settle for the surface? Why shouldnt I go straight for whats deep and settled in my heart? Why should I settle for realistic? Is this world realistic and what exactly is realistic? Its a foreign word. I wont settle. Im just stuck in this falsehood called education. Its not what Im going to be living out. Im sorry, if that disappoints you, parents, but this is my passion. My reality. There's something that takes control of me when music is incvolved and I cant deny that feeling. Its more than a feeling really, its...there are no words that can explain. Thats the best I can do.
Here I come.

Monday, January 5, 2009

I Want You to Be Disgusted

In order to prepare myself for presenting my proposal for the to the church on Thursday for the benefit concert, I read up more about sex slavery. This article ( was emailed to me from Call and Response, a film about human trafficking. Most of the articles I read are disgusting and inspiring at the same time, but this...I wasnt prepared for.
The reporter begins by telling a bit of background about red light districts and the people that "work" there. He says that most of the men visiting them expect the smiling girls urging them in to be volunteers. While that may be slightly true, most of them are drugged and beaten and forced to work there. Yes, we know this. I have read countless stories (and posted about them) about being forced to live and work in a brothel. But none of the stories I read went so far as to go inside the brothel. Maybe I have tapped into exactly why they havent.
One girl, Sina Vann, tells this reporter in detail just what happens.
First she goes through how she got there which was typical; being drugged and beaten and raped for a dollar amount. She said she "was beaten ferociously to force her to smile and act seductive."

"'My first phrase in Khmer,' the Cambodian language, 'was, ‘I want to sleep with
you,’ ' she said. 'My first phrase in English was' — well, it’s

Sina said that she would be taken down to a torture chameber if she didn't perform what was expected of her. She couldn't move at times because of the pain that was inflicted upon her. I dont know about you, but when I hear torture chamber, I think movies, TV, Hollywood, novels...etc. The whole nine yards really. Maybe the bed of nails in the corner, the thing that stretches the bodies out, the ropes, the chains--everything. Well, after reading this, I began to think that maybe Hollywood isnt far off.
The reporter wrote this about the torture chamber:
"As in many brothels, the torture of choice was electric shocks. Sina would be
tied down, doused in water and then prodded with wires running
from the 220-volt wall outlet. The jolt causes intense pain, sometimes
evacuation of the bladder and bowel — and even unconsciousness. "

As if this wasn't bad enough, it was then stated that most of the brothels used this shock tactic because it didnt scar the young prostitutes' beauty. Most of them would be put back to work soon after being tortured. While shock treatment is the most common form of torture, Sina said she would be stripped down and placed in a coffin full of biting ants after she had already been through the shocks. The coffin was dark and suffocating and would not allow for her to move her hands up to her face to brush the ants off. The only thing that kept them out of her eyes was her tears. Sometimes she would be kept in the coffin for a day or more.

Sina was rescued during a police raid set up by a former sex slave. Now, she helps to rescue girls, and her own daughter, from brothels. To show the reporter what she went through and what she faces, Sina took him to the red light district in Cambodia where a few brothels had been torn down, most of which had torture chambers underneath. Upon stepping foot in what had once attempted to take her life, she twinged and said, "'There must be many girls who died in those rooms.' She grew distressed and added: 'I’m cold and afraid. Tonight I won’t sleep.'”

Although its disgusting and stirs hearts, there is hope. For example, the organization Im working with...called working towards the abolition of this torture. Be aware of it. I want you to be disgusted. What do we talk about when Monday comes around? Most likely the things that disturbed us about the weekend, the things that bothered us. So talk about Sina. Talk about her torture chamber. Be afraid. Anything that will stir you to do something...even if its just to tell your best friend. Thats enough. Plant a seed.

Ask me questions,
Highland/Redlands Love146 Task Force

Sunday, January 4, 2009

all who are thirsty

today at church i realized something that i had forgotten.
a while ago, i was struggling with the idea of healing. some of my friends were involved in sort of a healing revolution i guess we can call it. their whole philosophy was that God wants to heal everyone and will if we have the faith. they questioned, "if He loves His children, why would He let them suffer? of course He wants to heal all of us...and He will!" they figured that everything...i mean everything from cancer to a small splinter could be healed in a matter of seconds. yes! i agree! and i've witnessed such things! such as my friend's voice coming back after we prayed for it. He doesn't want to see us hurting. He doesn't like to see His children in pain. He hates it in fact! But here is where the struggle began:
My eating disorder. At this point you're probably thinking "duh, does she ever talk about anything else?" which furthers my point! The very thing that i thought was destroying me actually brought me closer to my Savior. if i didnt have anything to be saved from, would i need a savior? because i had this incredible demon fighting me, i had to call on someone who could fight it for me. i couldnt fight it myself. so does God really want to rid of something that brought me to Him?
let me explain further.
if i didnt have an eating disorder trying to take a ride along in my life, would i need God to lead me along? would i need Him to fight anything? no, i wouldnt have a battle to fight. so why would He take it away?
Rod Collins put it well. "You talk to me when you have to fight this thing. You talk to me when you struggle. Why would I take something away that causes you to talk to Me?" He was speaking from what he thought God might say. I agree!
Lets get Biblical.
When the Israelites complained about...well, everything...God sent viscious vipers! They cried out and asked Him to take them away. But God said no! He knew exactly what I've had a revelation about. He knew that if He took them away, the Israelites wouldn't have anything to cry out to Him about. God might not hear from His creation like He wanted. The same is true for me and my eating disorder.
Would God love to take my eating disorder away? YES! He would more than love to take it away, but doing so would cause me to be farther away from Him which would end up terribly, trust me.
Instead of having this 'poor me...ive got so many problems...' outlook, im going to try on a new one. 'God saves me from this demon attached to me and kicks his butt because He loves me'. How about that one on for size?
God wants to heal you, but He knows more than we do. He knows out future. He knows what would happen if He took it away. I guess the ultimate lesson is one in trust. We have to trust that He knows what He is doing. And He does. I promise! He knows exactly what He is doing. All we can do is keep loving and talking to Him.

Saturday, January 3, 2009

without a savior, i cant be saved.

hi there.
i havent been writing as much as i would like to, but, friends of the internet blogging community, im broken and i think i need to write about it.
a very close friend of mine told me that she saw a mask on me. she thought that i was hiding something. like i put on a mask of apathy.
apathy: absence or suppression of passion, emotion, or excitement
she saw a mask of my suppressed passion. its true and it stabbed me how spot on she was.
my therapist always asks me "whats going on for you right now?" i find myself asking that very question all the time. "what is going on for me right now?" so when i heard/read that she saw through my mask, i asked it. and the answer?
ouch. a lot is going on for me right now. im lost. broken. confused. annoyed. frustrated. fake.
i dont know what im doing. i feel like im just waiting again. im just waiting for something to happen instead of making it happen. but then again, i dont know what "it" is. i have no idea. but i know that i want "it".
where did that burning passion go for the lost and broken? why cant i see the fire in my own eyes anymore? my songs turned sad instead of presenting a battle. my thoughts turned inward instead of on the ones who need me. where am i?
i used to be on fire for living. i used to walk with a purpose and used to abandon responsibility for a calling. but now, i wander. i dont know what to do with myself.
but it doesnt feel wrong. i dont feel depressed like i used to. i know that there are people ready to shower me with encouragement. i know they love me. so this is different. this is harder.

ive lied to my therapist saying that i dont have anything to talk about. i didnt lie because i didnt want to talk about it, but because i dont know what there is to talk about. i dont know what is going on for me. i really dont know.
while we were in EMDR, i saw this picture:
i had just beaten up my ED. he laid on the floor, unconscious. and i looked out the window. on my lawn there was a huge crowd of people. they looked up at my bedroom window. they just waited. in my mind, i had the words "fight for them now", running through my head. i knew that it was time to fight for them. i had to help them in their battles since they had no way of finding light like i did. and as i was staring out at them, attempting to stir hope into their lives, ED jumped up and grabbed onto me. i had to fight him again until he laid on my bedroom floor, unconscious.
it was here that i realized sometimes i have to fight my battle. its important to remember that i still have to fight. i cant save the world without being saved.