last conversation

new song. i think. its in the works.

when i saw you in the concert hall, my heart skipped a beat.
what was a bitter smile now looks familiar.
when i saw you in the concert hall, a conversation came up.
what was a settled thought now turns to anxiety.

we cant make this work.
we cant hold on another cold moment.
darling, no more holding on
you know, we cant make this work.

even though it was 45 degrees, you walked me around the block.
and you made a point to stand on the left side.
im sorry it was 45 degrees outside, i didnt know what to do
i tried to be polite and stand on the left side.

we cant make this work.
we cant hold on another cold moment.
darling, no more holding on.
we both know we cant make this work.

but still its nice to see your face
its nice to know that youre alright
im worried that i see your face
and know that you arent alright
i like to hear your voice
id like to see you smile
but here we know that this will never work.

its ten o clock, i should be going.
you should get home, you look so weak.
its ten o clock, we should be going.
please get home, youre looking very weak.

we cant make this work.
we cant hold on another cold moment.
darling, no more holding on.
we both know we cant make this work.

im trying to protect you from everything youre fighting.
why do you think i stood on the left?
thank you for protecting me, i thought i was dying
and now im afraid your place is standing behind.

Opportunity Come, Opportunity Go...

Well. I had an interesting week.
I auditioned for an agency called AMTC. amtcworld.com go check it out for more details. i really dont feel like/have the time to explain all about it.
and i got accepted which is totally awesome. i was beginning to think that this was my break, my exciting time, and my in to the music industry where i was made for! but then, the $3585 and modeling/acting training threw itself in there and i found myself incredibly disappointed.
you see, about a month ago, i was praying and driving (potentially dangerous, approach with caution) and i asked God, okay yelled at Him, "I dont know what im doing with this music thing anymore! You do it!!" and He said, gently of course, "write me a love song, and it will happen." So i set off down songwriter lane and attempted to write Him a love song. Friends, it was not easy by any means. But, about a week and a half ago, there it was. I named it "Capture". (I'll most likely post the lyrics up soon...) and I felt like I had finally accomplished what He told me to do. So then came this opportunity to sing at AMTC and I immediately chose "Capture" to sing at my audition. It was an incredible feeling, i must say, since my audition was the first time i had revealed it to anyone. So when I got the call that said "we think you're one of the best songwriters AMTC has seen", you can imagine my excitement.
and now, as i sit here typing this, im wondering how all of this measures up. it seems perfect that i should get in with this song exactly a week after i wrote it. it blew my mind at first. but now, seeing that i would have to do all of this extra stuff that i dont want to do, im not so "blown" about it.
friends, the point is, i need to learn to wait. i need to learn that i wont know everything before it happens. i need to learn to be patient. thats such a hard prayer because asking for patience is easy, learning it is incredibly difficult.
sorry to cut this short, but i have class.
more later. :]
later:
maybe this is one of those lessons of being satisifed with where i am at. that thought alone throws my mind into a chaotic spiral down doubtful road. "but this is what i was made for! this is my destiny! this is everything ive been waiting for and whos to say that this 'opportunity' isn't the breaking point?!" im pretty sure that im going to have to wait for some more extended amount of time...as much as that makes me cringe.
i'll have to be content with what i have, what i am, and what im slowly but surely becoming. so while brooke fraser is traveling the world, saving children's emotional stability through her music, im going to have to be okay with driving my nearly broken green volkswagen beetle with no air conditioner, the windows fully down, and jon foreman and i belting out "i dare you to move" on my twenty minute commute to good 'ol riverside. yes, friends, life is still good even when you don't have a record deal.

Confession of A Recovered Heart

Last night I found myself feeling like I needed to confess everything I've done. I used to be suicidal and majorly depressed and I had given into the world. But, I've never actually told anyone the specifics of what I have done. So here it is, people of the internet. I'm confessing what I've done. Take it how you want to.
I have:
starved myself
worked out for four straight hours and therefore passed out
lied to my therapist when I told her I only did one hundred crunches...it was six hundred.
slapped myself in the face repeatedly
overdosed on excedrin which jumpstarted the addiction to it
abused my left arm with combs, brushes, flashlights anything heavy really...by hitting it until it was numb
picked my scalp until it bled...let it scab up and picked it again
scraped the skin off of my fingers until they bled and then played the piano with them so they would bruise under the skin
taped my wrists to cut off the circulation and burn my skin because the tape was so tight
looked in the mirror and despised myself more than anything i had ever seen.
Lastly, and most terrifyingly, I faced death without God.

Friends, dont face death without Him. Last night, as I was realizing I needed to confess all of this as a part of my healing, I broke down with imediate tears when I thought "I faced death without You." What I thought was the worst thing that could happen to me. What I thought was the worst life possible was about to get worse as I was about to die without my God. I ran away from Him and I almost died. I was hours away from death. And I was not with Him. That terrifies me. I am saved by Him, He loves me more than I hated myself. The song "Amazing Grace" has never rung more true to me. Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound that saved a wretch like me. I once was lost, but now Im found; was blind, but now I see. I can apply that to my life so well and its beautiful. Friends I pray that you wont face death without Him. Please, love Him, let Him save you. Let Him heal you.
Dont face death without Him.

What I've Gained Because of My Eating Disorder

an ignited heart for the lost
Jesus Christ
power
strength beyond comprehension
endurance
a love of flavor
friends
the ability to maintain boundaries
counseling
arms for the broken
faith
trust that was lost
relationships that matter
recovery
a body that is able
enjoyment in life
concentration
purpose
direction
myself again

recovery is possible.
i've gained back the whole world through my divorce from ED.
life is so worth the fight.
keep fighting, ED warriors

i love you.
-ED fighter support

why MY heart?!

Goodness. I have been feeling an immense amount of heartache and burdens beyond comprehension.
I found myself yelling at God, asking Him, "WHY MY HEART!? WHY DID YOU GIVE ME THIS HEART?!"
allow me to explain.
as you might have guessed through reading my blogs, I have a gigantic, enormous, humongous! heart for the broken and lost. I physically feel heart ache when I think, pray, talk, sing...etc...about it. so, friends of the internet, i was asking God why He gave me such a burdened heart. sometimes, its seemingly unbearable. it hurts so much that i dont think i can move. and whats even worse is finding people who feel the same way seems nearly impossible. who has a heart for the broken and lost? i most certainly do and i really need support. friends, i need your support. can we please be broken together? i need a close group of people that feel the same way as i do to only, simply, dedicate their hearts to nothing else but saving the lost and mending the broken through the One who can and will do just that.
friends, i am heart broken as i write this.
do me a favor.
please, if you have a heart that is broken just like this, please, send me a message, comment, text, call, email...telling me so.
sometimes, the enemy likes to feed lies into my brain saying that im the only one that feels this way. i know im not alone. help me to know that, friends. plase, just do this for me.
only message me if you mean it. let me know that you're on my side of this. i need your support.
this is incredibly serious.
lauren

Is it too much to ask? I just want to save lives!!

Lately, I've been so extremely frustrated. Why are we sitting around talking about which boy is cute, what class to take, when to go to the beach, and even why we are going to work? There are people that are suffering! Girls are being sold into brothels by their own parents because they can't afford to take care of them. Can you imagine what these girls are going through? Their poor, young minds must be so extremely traumatized from what they've been through. These arent just stories you hear to make you feel bad and donate money! These are LIVES! Think about someone you know. What if they were sold off into something so terrible and you never saw them again?! And even worse, imagine someone looking through a window at your best friend who has been labeled as a number, not a name, and that person looking through the window calls out your best friend's number. Your best friend has to do whatever that person says or they will get the worst beating of their life. So its either lay down all dignity and obey someone's selfish desires, or excruciating pain awaits. How will they ever know what love is if this is all they have seen? My heart is broken for them! This is such a REALITY. This isnt something that you only hear about! Its REAL! There are incidences of human trafficking even in the land of the "free", the home of the brave. America is guilty of all of this as well. Look it up and let your heart be broken. For with brokenness comes strength. And with strength, we can stop this! How can we sit back and do nothing? How can we let this go on? I feel so much pain thinking about this, let alone let it all spew out on my blog. I cannot stress to you enough how much this hurts me. My heart is so tender for the broken...thats the only way i can explain it to you. We have to do something. Its our job. This is my destiny. Please, I beg you, dont let this pass through your heart. Keep it there, let it stir and boil. And let your heart dwell on it. Pray about it. Lets do something. Lets save lives.

Purple Plants and Modern Dance

Well, hello, internet world, we meet again.

The other night, God gave me this beautiful vision. It started out as a 2-D green plant. Something a kid would draw...

maybe something like this, but without the pot:

there was a brown background. then the plant began to grow. and as it grew, it turned purple and became more 3-D. then it shrank back down and was the same, baby, green, 2-D plant as it was before. and once again it grew, this time bigger. it became more 3-D than before, and more purple than before...then it shrank down again and started all over again. it kept doing this for a long time. i had the sense that there were more plants growing all around this one, but i couldnt see them. for some reason, i knew that they were all growing and shrinking at different rates and different colors. i asked God if there were any that were growing with me, He said, "of course, but you cant see it yet." so i asked, well, will i see it soon? and He said, "soon enough". i think this vision's interpretation has something to do with relationships. i am pretty much always thinking about my future husband :]] and im pretty sure that God was saying, "I will continue to make you grow, then cut you back so you can grow further. There is someone growing with you, but you cant know it yet. You cant see him grow with you until my timing is right." Isnt that pretty sweet? i thought it was. i cant wait for the day...

also. modern dance, as im sure you're wondering "why in the world is ms. mosher's title about plants and modern dance??!!" well, friends of the cyberspace. i had modern dance today, and i do believe i am progressing, however! i pulled my hamstring today, and its extremely painful. so if you could keep me in your prayers, i would appreciate it very much so. i start dance rehearsals for a show im in this week, and i would love to learn the material without a hurt hamstring. thanks!

ms. mosher.

Direction and Purpose

God has really driven my thoughts recently, even as I write this. There is such a transformation going on inside of me right now, its unbelievable...or maybe its believable.
maybe i'll present a list of some sort to show you, internet people.
-"Lauren, my daughter, find peace and rest." I've been asking for healing for a long time, why should i be surprised that He has given it to me? A lot of times i find myself sitting, laying, standing, walking, frolicking...etc...in anxiety. I worry about the weirdest things; some large, some miniscule. But God catches me every time and says that first quote. "Lauren, my daughter, find peace and rest." It really keeps me in check. Why am I freaking out? Is this really that important that I need to interrupt my day to worry about? I will always find my peace and rest in Him. Its so incredibly important to be able to relax and stop worrying. His word says so much on that. One for example is Philippians 4:6 (which I have painted on my wall...can you tell i worry way too much?) it says, "do not be anxious for anything, but with everything, through prayer and petition, present your requests to God." just think about that for a little bit.
-"Lauren, precious little Lauren, you're going to go through something extremely hard this summer, but Im going to catch you. And this will make you so strong in me, you will do amazing things because of this." and yes, i went through something extremey hard. it was so incredibly hard i didnt think i could make it through. i yelled at God and fought Him. I was so mad that He would let me go through it. But would I undo it? NO WAY! I have never felt so close to God in my life. So much has happened that I feel like I am always talking to Him, checking things out with Him, and just walking with Him. Its an amazing feeling and I love life now.
-"Lauren, beautiful daughter of mine, I want you to be a leader of young girls." My first thought was "uh. im not a leader. i pretty much suck at leading people, i get overwhelmed, i get nervous, i get self conscious, excuse 1, 2, 3, 4, 5..." and He kept saying "Dont tell me what you are not. I made you, I know what you are." WOW! what an awesome thought! when God tells me to do something, He knows I can do it, He made me! You might be thinking, well duh! but again, some things I can be told over and over and over again, but its moments like these that actually get somewhere in my brain. Oh, so I am leading a young girl's group on monday nights 6-8 in yucaipa, ca if anyone that reads this is in jr. high or high school and is interested. contact me.
-Perhaps one of the biggest things God has shown me is this. My friend was praying for me and she felt like she had to tell me the name "Thomas". So she did. I felt like I had to read the story of Thomas from one of the gospels, so I went searching through for anything about Thomas that might speak to me. I came to John...or was it Luke? I think it was Luke. anyways. Its after the resurrection. Jesus appears to eleven of the disciples...Thomas isnt there. The disciples later tell Thomas that they spoke with Jesus. He doesnt believe them and says that He will only believe that Jesus has risen from the dead if he himself puts His fingers where the nails were. So Jesus appears to Thomas and says "Stop doubting and believe." My heart sunk. Such conviction. God was telling me to stop doubting that He would be my everything. He wanted/wants me to believe with all I am that He will be my everything. Its hard. But its so possible. God is my everything. He is always with me. He gives me everything.

and recently, i have such a purpose in life, it amazes me. i am in awe of Him once again. and im excited to see what happens next. i cant wait!!

What I've Lost To My Eating Disorder

the ability to see myself without any distortions
full health
self respect
relationships
privacy
love for myself
time
childhood
memories
opportunities
social interaction
social skills
hair
strength
endurance
desires
the will to keep moving
family
my voice and the ability to voice my opinions

basically, i lost my life.
and for what?
for pain, for "beauty", for myself, for a diet.
its not worth it. i was so alone until i found help.
if you need help, get it. NOW.
once you have listened to ana or mia or both, you've already begun to lose everything. you only keep losing more and more.

Recently,

I've been learning a lot about myself and my future.


and one thing I learned is that God gives me songs to write.
this one is a love song.

now, my dear.
He has told me to wait for you.
and I will wait to find your hand and become one.

for i know that my King is doing a mighty work inside your soul
as i sing, during these long years.

now, my love.
i have to imagine the day that we are seen as one.
and you will be more than I can ever imagine.

for i know that my King is molding your heart to hold mine;
as i wait, and wonder where you are.

and now, lover of my life.
i wont try to force my way into your life
because i know to run there, would spoil the big surprise.

its hard enough wondering who you will be.
its long enough waiting for you to find me.
but its worth it my love.
its worth it honey.
we'll love each other until death do we part.

i'll have to wait until love is ready to start.

Permanently Single

not really...
it just seems like it. God told me that i will be single for a long time. and i wonder: how long is a long time?
now that i look back, i realize that i've always been looking for a boyfriend/prospective husband. i never really sit back and let myself just be without a significant other. i mean its really not too big of a deal. i love myself, and when ive actually sat and thought about it, i love being single. i love feeling independent.
like that one person that everyone adores because they never seem to want to have anything else other than what they have. they do extraordinary things like travel on mission trips and such, they direct plays, write music, travel, hang out, have fun, travel, they do anything they want! and i love that. i want that. i want to be that person.

but as i sit here, i want that romance. i want a person to hold onto me, to tell me sweet nothings, to sing to me in their tone deaf voice, to just be with me. i dream of a romance. not the actual person. every time i think of a romance, i dont really think of the man himself. i just think of the action, the actual romance. the love not the lover. thats where i know im wrong. i should want the lover and the love. the man and his romance.

and then there's this: God told me that the reason im going to be single for a long time is because im going to be too busy. im going to be too busy doing His work. yeah. amazing. im excited about that. and thats all im going to say. im still processing it myself.
and also.
theres mexican music and cookies in Moe's kitchen...how can i resist?

So Be It

amen: so be it

amen means "so be it". WOW. how much power is in that?! that is so cool and im glad that i looked it up.
its so often just a word for us that we use at the end of a prayer. but does anyone truly know what it means?! so be it.
the Word says that there is power in speech and words. so be it. believe in the prayer you just prayed because at the end of it, you have most likely said "so be it".
then why are we so shocked when things come true? God gave us so much power through our words.
im amazed right now. i just love it.
anyways.
chores time.

so be it.

Healing Rain, Reign Over Us

these past few days, i have seriously been challenged. so much. i've been on "vacation", meaning i pretty much spend the night anywhere but my house. its a lot of fun. monday night, the mountains, last night, a friend's house in redlands. tonight, home...tomorrow night...who knows? its exciting.
but ive been challenged. and i've gotten a lot from God.
two songs. a dream. words. and a promise of security.
the dream was incredible, but confusing in so many levels at the same time. weird huh?
here it is:
i was in the mountains and i had a best guy friend...i was in love with him...and he was in love with me. he proposed to me in the middle of a forest and a week later, we got married. it wasnt an elaborate wedding, it was the simplest wedding i have ever seen. i was in jeans and a nice shirt, he was in business casual clothes. we were barefoot in the forest. i had a ribbon in my hair and thats about as fancy as it got. people just stood around to watch us. a pastor said a few words that i didnt entirely hear. and there was this glowing connection between my husband and me. i remember a big part of the dream was that i was really young. not younger than i am now. lets say like nineteen or twenty. i dont know how old he was...but im also not saying who it was because i know who it was and yeah i really do know how old but...dont ask. anyways. we were married and mostly everyone supported us except a few people. our whole family, on both sides were happy about it. but it didnt matter if anyone else didnt agree. it was like this is what we had to do. and yes, we were all happy and giddy "we just got married! yay! we're married and we have a life as one!" and all that jazz. but it was a different feeling. it was like, this is God's plan for us, so this is what we will do. done. i dont know, its a hard feeling to explain...then maybe a week after we were married, we went to this celebration thing. it was a huge party and while we were there, my husband (who shall still remain nameless) had to go in for surgery. we went to the celebration fully knowing this. i kissed him and told him he would be fine, and i would see him in a few hours. a few hours passed and he came out of the room completely fine. then we went back into the same room and an awards ceremony was taking place. the whole room was waiting for us, and clapped as we entered the room. then i woke up.
this is the most confusing dream. but the thing is, i was half awake during the entire thing. it wasnt like a random, im sleeping and a lot of things are combining randomly in my brain...i was mostly awake during all of it. and when i woke up, my hands were shimmering with gold dust. so i know it must mean something. i want to know what it means...if any of you, internet world, think you might have an idea...let me know because my brain wont leave it alone and its driving me nuts. :]]
so there, thats my dream. i would write out both of my songs right now, but i need to go get something to eat. maybe later.
oh! the title of this blog is the title of one of my new songs. healing rain, reign on us. my friend got that from God as i was playing on a piano in the mountains.

the worst is over

there's something about people coming out to pray for me. they take the time out of their busy schedules to come and pray for a girl that they hardly know. i love that.
ive been through quite a lot this weekend. i thought you, the people of the internet, might enjoy reading about it...or something...
on friday, first i woke up at like nine thirty or something at a house one of my friends is house sitting...totally didnt intend on sleeping there, but i fell asleep on the floor and woke up on the couch with a blanket on me. we went to a gazebo downtown and worshipped. my friend told me that God said "when Lauren worships and lifts her voice up, the heavens have her attention." WHAT?! amazing. sometimes, i feel like no one is really listening to my song. my music has so much meaning and i feel like sometimes, people only hear my voice. its so much more than just music. so to be told that the heavens have my attention, i was extremely excited. just as i began to play my new song "the water", the clouds opened up and the sun was so bright, like a spotlight on me. it was hot, but it was the coolest thing. after that i went to a meeting with joe where i was told that the recording of my full length cd would cost ten grand and take more than nine months. so right there, my dreams crushed. i will not be recording a new album. if anyone out there has ten grand and would like to sponsor me, shoot, bring it on. i want to record so badly. its my biggest passion and i was told no. its hard to hear, but im slowly getting it into my head that maybe this isnt what God wants me to do right now. there's something better of course. there always is.
so then on saturday, i went to a sunrise worship which was awesome. it started to pour down rain. then off to the well. a prayer house in mentone. people came that i didnt even know, and they prayed for me. they prophesyed over me and spoke in tongues and just thanked God for me. it was incredible. they said so many things that i just latched onto. one thing: my name means "victorious one". WHOA! victorious one. how amazing is that? and they said "lets throw out this word 'recovering' and replace it with 'recovered'. i am no longer chained to ed. i have already been set free. the only reason i struggle now is because ed keeps trying to chain me back in. i cant get depressed anymore for thinking that i have such a long way away from full recovery because i have already been recovered! i am free! and what is better? i never have to go back through all of that! its such an amazing feeling. i love it.
one thing that hit me hard was this: "most christians see the world as being dead, but you can see the life in people. and because you've already walked through the valley of the shadow of death, you can help people walk through it. you can bring the life out in people." thats awesome. i see the life in people. its so true. God has given me such an understanding about the lost and "dead". i have almost a sixth sense about girls with eating disorders. i know if they have one and what to say to them, sometimes without even talking to them. God has given me that. most people may see them dead, but i see the hurting and the pain in them. i see their brokenness. i see their hardships. but i also see their light. i see that they can come to life. and i know how to help them feel that. i was meant to help save the world. i really want to do just that.
one lady told me that i will start waking up with songs that God has given me in my sleep. and its been happening. i have a song about hypocrisy that God gave me. it was incredible. so cool.
when the ladies were praying for me, they were speaking in tongues and it sounded like swahili. it sounded like this phrase that a friend of mine always says. i dont know if it was, but that would just say a lot about this whole africa thing.
anyways, that was my weekend. i learned a lot. i feel so strong now. its wonderful and i love my new strength that i have found.
mostly, God is teaching me that i have already been through the worst. the worst is over.

Thanksgiving

God works in such strange ways sometimes. but, its because of this, that my faith grows stronger and stronger every day.
its like the time when my friend told me that she asked God, "what do my praises smell like?" and He said "thanksgiving". She was ecstatic! how exciting it is to be told that your praises smell like thanksgiving!? that worked for her. it meant so much that her praises smelled like something as familiar as thanksgiving is. God knew, and knows, what to tell us to create such a reality in our lives. He knows exactly how to get to us.
for me, He had to throw my music to the floor and leave a blank sheet to tell me that I am so clean through Him that i dont even have to think about my blemishes or iniquities. He knew that thats what would get to me right at that moment. just one blank sheet. anyone could have told me that before, and they did in fact, but there was something about looking at that blank sheet. it stared me down, but in a peaceful and understanding way. i knew exactly what God was saying in that moment. it was a personalized message just waiting for me to grasp.
and just now. as i saw the tag on my pants i was wearing. in my eating disorder, numbers have always killed me. i had to be smaller than a double zero in pants. i had to be smaller than an extra small shirt. but as i looked at the tag in my pants, really cute pants i might add... :]], it said 5/S...meaning that a size five pants is considered small. wow. that totally spoke to me! as weird as it may seem, it really clicked for me that the small that my eating disorder shows me, is a completely different small in reality! well, duh, you might be saying, i could have told you that. and thats just it! you can tell me that every day and try to pound it into my head with a big solid hammer! but i wont understand it unless i feel it or see it or hear it or...you get it...for myself. it also reminded me that a small in this pair of pants may be a different small in another pair. sizes vary, so how can i base my judgement of "small" or even "large" on just one pair of pants.
really, all of that to say this: God has plans to show us something each in our own way. He has personalized messages ready to be sent out to each of us all of the time. different things will speak to different people. just like im not sure if i would get as excited as my friend did about smelling like thanksgiving. and she may not see the joy in understanding that a size five really can mean small. im so glad that God understands the way i learn and the way i will truly understand a concept.

i need new friends.

lately, i've been feeling like i have no friends. wow. you might say, miss mosher, you are surrounded by friends! how can you say such a thing? well, people of the internet, i feel like i dont have that close group of people that know me well. i dont feel like i can call up that group and go out and do anything. i have a few close ones that text me to see how im doing with ed and everything, but no one that just calls me up to chat and see my face for absolutely no reason at all. i miss that. in high school, i always had that. i could walk around campus at lunch and fill up all my time during lunch simply saying hello to people and seeing what they were up to. now, i feel lonely and like everyone has moved on in their lives while i sit here and wait.
it reminds me of the pyramid we learned in psych. the hierarchy of needs. there was one that mentioned the need to be associated with a group. i find myself believing this to be more and more true. i need to be in a group that knows me and wants to be around me. mostly, i dont feel like i have a best friend and it bothers me. i dont have that one person that knows when im having a hard time when i havent said anything. maybe im just ranting and complaining and i need to just get over it while i wait for college to start, but it feels like something is missing and this is all i can think of.
maybe i should just be satisfied in the fact that i have Jesus. He satisfies all of my hierarchies of needs. He will always be there, He knows my struggles, He wants to hang out with me, He calls up just to chat, and He shares all of my interests. yeah, maybe i just need to remember that amazing fact.

and should we be surprised?

I went to a 24 hour prayer night that one of my friends ran.
oh boy. it was so amazing. and should we be surprised?

at the beginning, i felt blocked. i had so much on my shoulders at that point. my worship team didnt feel like it was worshipping. ed was LOUD. a pastor who wrote an amazing worship song in australia faked his cancer diagnosis. it was really hard for me to let go of everything. really hard. my friend's knee was hurting pretty badly, so i put my foot (its a weird God thing we have between us...) on her leg and prayed for healing. and what do you know? all the pain was gone. and should we be surprised? my mom ordered that i come home and sleep, so i went home at 10 fully planning on waking up at 2 in the morning to go back. by the time my alarm went off, i was out. so i slept through it and ended up waking up at 4:30.
oh, ed LOVED that. he played with my mind so much saying that i have no stamina. he said, "you should starve so that people will know that you really have more stamina than they do. you cant even stay up all night, show them that you failed and you will make it right by starving." yikes right?
i went back regardless. and i got there to the sound of brad's voice and guitar. again, i felt blocked out. i couldnt worship with my whole heart. maybe i was still waking up...im not sure. the sun began to rise and so we jumped up on stage to worship through the sunrise. then i started to let go again. we plugged into the sound system. and just let go. i love it when im able to do that. its so free. i just sing whatever comes out...well, its like its not me anymore. i step back and God just pours through me out of my voice. it doesnt matter if im making any words, its just noise coming out. and i love that feeling. i used to be afraid of that because it was risky. what if im off key? what if it doesnt go with the music? well, the thing is, God is always on key and He always goes with the music. :]
anyway, after that, we went to get breakfast, came back, and worshipped. i went up there this time and played. i was beginning to let go more and more. and because of that, ed attacked me more and more. my friend left and i just sat there, feeling the attacks. each one harder and harder to hear. my friend came over and said "hey whats going on, talk to me." the only words i could really get out were "ed is loud". he took me over to the other guys and they all laid hands on me and prayed. i was bawling like a baby. then my friend said "speak out all the lies that you're being told right now. out loud." so i thought hard which was weird because ed had been so loud, i didnt really have to think hard to hear it. but now, there was nothing. silence. peace. ed wasnt there. and should we be surprised?
that night. like at 4 or 5...there were more people there and i sat on the floor to worship. my friend had come back by that time, she leaned over and said "God says the person you are supposed to be with isnt with you because you both have things to learn, not saying its the person you think it is...it could be, but it could not." man. right then, i dont know why, but that was so painful to hear. so i cried some more and my friend just held me.
earlier that day, my friend that put the meeting together said that he had a vision of him and me closing out the meeting together. he said that God was just going to blow us out of the water. it was going to be absolutely wonderful.
so it came time for the meeting to be over in about a half hour. and we went up and began to worship. i have never felt so free in my life. my friend leaned over and said "in the last ten minutes, God is going to tell you something and you have to share it." scary, i thought. im not a speaker. i have a voice to sing with, but thats it...i was scared. so i played anyways. i looked over to my friend, and he said "God wants three more." and i got to this one song by leeland. carried to the table. at the end, it says "you carried me, my love. you carried me." and i felt compelled to ask everyone to just make noise and sing that He carried them. He carries us every day through our struggles and temptations! and as we were singing that, my music fell off of my stand. it wasnt a big deal, i had memorized the chords. but when i opened my eyes, i saw a blank piece of paper. i lost it at that point. i couldnt even sing i was crying so much. so i just let everyone else sing for me. i looked at that blank piece of paper and it was so clear. we are innocent. we are saved by His blood. every day, He carries us through our crap and makes us cleaner than that piece of paper. we are pure and innocent in that. so i shared that with them. God totally talked to me in those moments. and should i be surprised?
He wanted me to play more because I hadnt heard Him yet. we just kept singing "fire fall down on us as we pray." and it was beautiful. i felt so connected to everyone, and so free at the same time. I finished out the meeting. I had so much power. well. it wasnt me at all. it was Him, through me. completely. i dont know how to explain it other than that. it WAS Him. i know it.
my friend's vision was right, i finished out the meeting.
and should we be surprised?

WOWZA

wow. the only word that runs through my mind is wow.
tonight, led worship at praxis, and God was totally there. From the moment Jared began to bang on that dead cow of his (the african drum..)...dang. so good!! i think Leeland must feel this way when he hears an entire church or stadium full of people worshipping. Leeland, i think i know how you feel and i want to feel that way every day. after Hosanna, which in itself just sounded beautiful, i threw in amazing grace, but the version that the almost does. and i put my head down and played, and everyone kept singing and it was this angelic, so sweet, pure and innocent sound. but yet it was filled with so much. with desperation. with pleas. with hurting. and everyone sang it out to God. what a beautiful sound. this, ladies and gentlemen, is what i live for.

and during the message, philippians 1, God showed me something i needed to see. there is a verse that says something like "how am i sure of my deliverance? because i believe in the power of prayer and the spirit of Jesus Christ." and that hit my heart hard! i wrote in my journal, "how am i sure that i will divorce you Ed? because i believe in the power of prayer and spirit of Jesus Christ." Then i wrote in big letters, BE GONE ED. tonight, i feel so free from Ed and his terrible grips on me, but i know that attacks are yet to come because the closer i get to signing the divorce papers, the more Ed fights to get me back. I know for sure that he is preparing something huge thats going to catch me off guard. but if i keep a tight hold on my Jesus, there is nothing, no attack from Ed, that can pull me down into his abusive arms. if i hold tight to my Jesus, i will forever be free.

The Lion of Judah has broken every chain. He gives me power, hallelujah, day by day.
The Lion of Judah has broken my ties to Ed, He hasnt seen us married since Ed abused me. He gives me power to fight back and throw Ed to the ground. Hallelujah, Praise the God who took me back as His bride and always will! Praise the God who saved me and loves me and doesnt tell me that im worthless. Every day He will remind me that im His princess. His daughter. His creation! His mercies are new EVERY morning.

ED personalities

my therapist told me to create a character for each part of my eating disorder. contrary to what the media tells you, an eating disorder is a lot more than just not eating or throwing up. it has mostly a lot to do with control...at least thats how it is for me. so here are my characters that are pretty much screaming in my head all of the time. it helps to picture them with me all the time. its easier to seperate what is a distortion and what is not. lets play out a scenario. lets say i went out to dinner with some friends. here is what would be going on in my head the whole time:


ms. perfectionist: (standing behind me, her hands on the back of my chair) you better say the right thing. order something that is normal to everyone else. dont get anything different. engage in everyone's conversation. be a perfect hostess. smile and be happy, no one likes a depressed person.
dr. anxiety: (running around like a chicken with its head cut off) no one will like you because they think you're weird. no one will laugh at any of your jokes. everyone will judge you by the way you look and eat and talk and everything!!! you are incredibly ignorant.
monster ishould: (staring at me across the table) you should order the cheapest thing. you should order the item with the least calories. you should talk to everyone. you should give compliments, everyone likes compliments and will therefore like you. you should only talk if you have something valuable to say. you should be able to impress everyone.
sir depression: (underneath the table, whispering up at me) maybe you should have stayed home. who cares about fighting ed anymore. its too hard. these people have no idea what youre going through and they most likely dont care. might as well lock yourself up in a closet forever.

King Ed. my husband that im trying to divorce. : (sitting right next to me, his arm around my shoulders) dont eat that, you'll look ugly. nobody likes ugly people. that has way too many calories in it, if you eat it, you'll have to get up at three in the morning and burn it off. ooohhh...youre going to choose that? not a good idea. id change my mind if i were you. gross. you're the smallest girl here, good work...still you could be a little smaller. come on, just stop eating now, youve had enough. dont you remember what it felt like to be hungry all the time? stamina and strength, thats what hunger is. take my hand, it'll all be better. dont you want to feel pretty?!

re-ignited

wow. how easily can i forget my purpose?
i was thinking today, i know i know dangerous...but really. i was thinking about how selfish ive become. seriously. for the past six months, ive been extremely selfish. even in africa which is terrible. i have had this sense and this passion to save the world for such a long time and i think ive been taking advantage of it. how terrible is that?
my entire motto is to live out loud. but ive abandoned that and forgotten what that means.
so what does it mean exactly?
to live out loud is to not be afraid to spread the love of Jesus Christ. our Savior. our Creator. our Love. He is our everything. why cant He be everyone else's everything. In the lyrics from tears of the saints, "this is an emergency". and oh boy is it ever! our world is hurting so much! in an emergancy, wouldnt you bend over backwards to make sure everything came out safely? wouldnt you attempt to save all the children out of a burning hospital, wouldnt you try to save as many things as you could in a major earth quake, wouldnt you run to the aid of anyone that needed it? so how is this different?
living out loud is recognizing that our entire existence is to spread the love that Christ has given us. living out loud is all about saving people through our actions, our words, basically, our entire lives!
how did i lose sight of living out loud?!

new blog, new thought.

Well, here I am, opening up a new blog. I like Blogs. They kind of get out my thoughts.
Although, I do have a gazillion journals to write in. I sometimes find that its easier to type out my thoughts than it is to write them or say them. So Im starting another place to do just that.
I will most likely be posting a million song lyrics that will never be given music, random thoughts with generic he's and she's, angsty poetry that occasionally (though i hate to admit it) comes spewing forth ha, and ones like this: just thoughts.

So Ive been thinking a lot about relationships...shocker huh? and my friend told me this: it takes three parts to comprise a Christian, healthy relationship. 1. attraction. 2. the same direction or purpose in life. and 3. having Christ be the leader.

1. attraction. duh. God gave us eyes to see. He knows that we are going to find people physically attractive. And why shouldnt we? God created stunning people!
2. the same direction or purpose in life. I think this is super important. and when I said that I wanted to adopt Joy and Kweoya from Korogwe, Tanzania, my friend said, well, your husband will have the same purpose. He will want to do the same. My husband will want to travel the world and minister globally. wow. what an exciting idea.
3. having Christ as a leader. I think this goes for both in separate lives, and in a life together. I think that first you have to have Christ be your personal leader before getting into a relationship. Then once you have that in your personal life, you can begin a life with another person and it will be that much better because you both have striven to only follow Christ. so your relationship will be driven by Christ. and what is better than that?! :]

i am beginning to love this idea and its beginning to provide me with a lot of understanding. A LOT of understanding. im so thankful that God showed me this recently. i love it. i love Him. life is much better.