I often sit at my computer and remember everything I have done to myself.
the abuse.
the hunger.
the darkness.
the ultimate pain.
the thoughts.
I was searching for support tonight. I ran to something-fishy but didnt find what I was looking for in the long threads of, "Keep fighting. You have the power." Searching on google is always dangerous since there are so many pro-ana sites.
I resorted to writing.
I'm just going to write out everything in my head. Be warned. It isn't pretty. Here is my reality.
"You have eaten way too much today. I thought your goal was to lose more weight since you've gained so much and people are starting to think you're normal. You're just like every one else and who wants mediocrity? Who wants to blend in with the crowd? Thats so boring. Being thin means you'd stand out. Better. Better than them. You have more stamina. You can handle more. You've been through more. Done more to yourself than anyone else...kind of. You could do more. Get away with more. Maybe you should resort to something more drastic. You havent OD-ed in a while. Try that maybe. More of it though this time. Its better that way. You deserve it from eating that much today. Disgusting...this body doesnt deserve that much food. You can get away with eating so much less. Remember living on a piece of bread and water? Remember how rewarding that was? It was so much better than feeling grotesque all day. So much better than them. You can be as skinny as her. Even skinnier. You'll look better anyway. Beauty is sacrifice. Gosh, just take those pills already. Do something. You're so lazy and have nothing to do all the time. That time can be spent at the gym, you know that dont you? No one knows you there. Just you and the machines. Machines can't feel. Become a machine. Its easier that way. Life doesnt have to be hard. You're making it harder than it is. Ridiculous. Just give in to what you really want."
and still. that was me filtering some of it.
now, how can you say that ED is a cry for attention.
I'm ready to fight the stereotypes...i think.
As i typed that, something dark came over me. This is not okay.
It wasnt me typing.
I'm scared at how quickly this can creep into me.
Im tortured.
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2 comments:
We fight a battle of more than just flesh and blood... Satan is the father of lies... God looked at all he created and saw that it was good ...
"Man does not live on bread alone, but on every word that comes from the mouth of God".
I love you. You are beautiful. Your brokenness is beautiful, for He is being made strong. We truly do stand on the shoulders of a HUGE, GIANT, LOVING, ALL-ENCOMPASSING, COMPASSIONATE, FEROCIOUSLY LOVING GOD!
Lauren, the most important thing is that you understand how much passion you empower in others when you tell them your story. We all feel so inspired to fight our battles, when we've heard of your war and your success thus far. Please for the sake of those of us who look up to your strength, know that you can fight this. You already won. :) Don't let those lies creep in on you like that. Its all fabricated. You are so beautiful and strong and wonderful. You're proving to be stronger and stronger everyday by fighting this. Not eating doesn't make you strong. Faith does. Have faith in the Lord, but most of all in yourself and all the power that really do possess. I love you. You can do this, plus if you fall away from me who will I dance, sing and play piano for? :) Stay strong with me. Lets not give in.
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