Wednesday, January 28, 2009
Friday, January 16, 2009
Thats alright. Sometimes I try to write so that people will read it and have thoughts that were provoked by my words, but in this case, I just need to write thoughts out...or type them.
Lately, Ive been writing in my head. That probably sounds really strange. But I have. Its like Im writing a book as Im living. I sort of, for lack of better words, narrate my own life. But its only after the fact that I narrate. Its not that Im constantly narrating. Once something happens, I will then "write" it in my head. For example, this went through my head.
I walked into my classroom and sat down at the back. Yes, the very back. I thought about sitting at the front in attempts to participate more, but Professor IJustWantToGetYouTalking was intimidating enough to cause me to sit at the back...the very back. My back was literally against a wall. I found myself analyzing the students around me. The girl sitting next to me is sporty which I noted from her jacket that spilled out "KrIsTeN" across her lower back...
And so on and so forth. It makes life interesting I suppose. Sometimes its annoying. I really cant control it.
Love146 will be having a benefit concert in May of this year. I will be heading it up and Im ecstatic about it. My mom and I went to Calvary Chapel to see if we could use the upstairs patio...instead we were able to book the amphitheater! Its huge and perfect for our benefit. God definitely did the work there. We hardly said anything to the pastor...he practically offered it to us. It was exciting and such a testimony of how faithful He is. Also a confirmation for me. I am meant to do this. God wants me to run this concert for Love146. There will be girls saved from their hell because of this concert. I couldnt ask for more! My heart is full of excitement.
I took one of the girls that will be playing at the benefit show to see the space and she flipped out. Completely stoked are the words she used...along with a plethora of oh my gosh's and how did you get this's. Needless to say, Im getting on the right direction now. I feel like Im finally living out what I say I am passionate for.
See, the thing is, I know that I have this HUGE desire to change the world, but for a while, I didnt feel like I was living out what I had claimed to be living for. Its only now when things are actually working out, that I feel like Im living out my heart.
I dont want to be known as the girl thats obsessed with the causes and is all about switching from one to the next all the time. I want to be known as a girl that has a calling and goes for it no matter what the cost! I want to be known as someone who, through Christ, changes the world!!
Sunday, January 11, 2009
What has been going on in my life recently?
I've been realizing exactly what I want to do. You might be thinking, Lauren, you say this every time you write on this thing...if anyone actually reads these. Maybe you read them if theyre short. I'll try to make this one kind of short so that you'll read it.
I was telling my friend last night that when I watch someone play or hear someone play, I can't help but want it. I'm in school for psychology and everything because I have this enormous passion for helping people...so that makes sense, no? But when it comes to writing and playing music, its so much more than that. Maybe thats why when I hear someone talking about me becoming a therapist and finishing school, I cringe a little bit. Thats not what I really want. On the surface, yes, thats exactly what my realistic mind says Im going to do. But why should I settle for the surface? Why shouldnt I go straight for whats deep and settled in my heart? Why should I settle for realistic? Is this world realistic and what exactly is realistic? Its a foreign word. I wont settle. Im just stuck in this falsehood called education. Its not what Im going to be living out. Im sorry, if that disappoints you, parents, but this is my passion. My reality. There's something that takes control of me when music is incvolved and I cant deny that feeling. Its more than a feeling really, its...there are no words that can explain. Thats the best I can do.
Here I come.
Monday, January 5, 2009
The reporter begins by telling a bit of background about red light districts and the people that "work" there. He says that most of the men visiting them expect the smiling girls urging them in to be volunteers. While that may be slightly true, most of them are drugged and beaten and forced to work there. Yes, we know this. I have read countless stories (and posted about them) about being forced to live and work in a brothel. But none of the stories I read went so far as to go inside the brothel. Maybe I have tapped into exactly why they havent.
One girl, Sina Vann, tells this reporter in detail just what happens.
First she goes through how she got there which was typical; being drugged and beaten and raped for a dollar amount. She said she "was beaten ferociously to force her to smile and act seductive."
"'My first phrase in Khmer,' the Cambodian language, 'was, ‘I want to sleep with
you,’ ' she said. 'My first phrase in English was' — well, it’s
Sina said that she would be taken down to a torture chameber if she didn't perform what was expected of her. She couldn't move at times because of the pain that was inflicted upon her. I dont know about you, but when I hear torture chamber, I think movies, TV, Hollywood, novels...etc. The whole nine yards really. Maybe the bed of nails in the corner, the thing that stretches the bodies out, the ropes, the chains--everything. Well, after reading this, I began to think that maybe Hollywood isnt far off.
The reporter wrote this about the torture chamber:
"As in many brothels, the torture of choice was electric shocks. Sina would be
tied down, doused in water and then prodded with wires running
from the 220-volt wall outlet. The jolt causes intense pain, sometimes
evacuation of the bladder and bowel — and even unconsciousness. "
As if this wasn't bad enough, it was then stated that most of the brothels used this shock tactic because it didnt scar the young prostitutes' beauty. Most of them would be put back to work soon after being tortured. While shock treatment is the most common form of torture, Sina said she would be stripped down and placed in a coffin full of biting ants after she had already been through the shocks. The coffin was dark and suffocating and would not allow for her to move her hands up to her face to brush the ants off. The only thing that kept them out of her eyes was her tears. Sometimes she would be kept in the coffin for a day or more.
Sina was rescued during a police raid set up by a former sex slave. Now, she helps to rescue girls, and her own daughter, from brothels. To show the reporter what she went through and what she faces, Sina took him to the red light district in Cambodia where a few brothels had been torn down, most of which had torture chambers underneath. Upon stepping foot in what had once attempted to take her life, she twinged and said, "'There must be many girls who died in those rooms.' She grew distressed and added: 'I’m cold and afraid. Tonight I won’t sleep.'”
Although its disgusting and stirs hearts, there is hope. For example, the organization Im working with...called Love146...is working towards the abolition of this torture. Be aware of it. I want you to be disgusted. What do we talk about when Monday comes around? Most likely the things that disturbed us about the weekend, the things that bothered us. So talk about Sina. Talk about her torture chamber. Be afraid. Anything that will stir you to do something...even if its just to tell your best friend. Thats enough. Plant a seed.
Ask me questions,
Highland/Redlands Love146 Task Force
Sunday, January 4, 2009
a while ago, i was struggling with the idea of healing. some of my friends were involved in sort of a healing revolution i guess we can call it. their whole philosophy was that God wants to heal everyone and will if we have the faith. they questioned, "if He loves His children, why would He let them suffer? of course He wants to heal all of us...and He will!" they figured that everything...i mean everything from cancer to a small splinter could be healed in a matter of seconds. yes! i agree! and i've witnessed such things! such as my friend's voice coming back after we prayed for it. He doesn't want to see us hurting. He doesn't like to see His children in pain. He hates it in fact! But here is where the struggle began:
My eating disorder. At this point you're probably thinking "duh, does she ever talk about anything else?" which furthers my point! The very thing that i thought was destroying me actually brought me closer to my Savior. if i didnt have anything to be saved from, would i need a savior? because i had this incredible demon fighting me, i had to call on someone who could fight it for me. i couldnt fight it myself. so does God really want to rid of something that brought me to Him?
let me explain further.
if i didnt have an eating disorder trying to take a ride along in my life, would i need God to lead me along? would i need Him to fight anything? no, i wouldnt have a battle to fight. so why would He take it away?
Rod Collins put it well. "You talk to me when you have to fight this thing. You talk to me when you struggle. Why would I take something away that causes you to talk to Me?" He was speaking from what he thought God might say. I agree!
Lets get Biblical.
When the Israelites complained about...well, everything...God sent viscious vipers! They cried out and asked Him to take them away. But God said no! He knew exactly what I've had a revelation about. He knew that if He took them away, the Israelites wouldn't have anything to cry out to Him about. God might not hear from His creation like He wanted. The same is true for me and my eating disorder.
Would God love to take my eating disorder away? YES! He would more than love to take it away, but doing so would cause me to be farther away from Him which would end up terribly, trust me.
Instead of having this 'poor me...ive got so many problems...' outlook, im going to try on a new one. 'God saves me from this demon attached to me and kicks his butt because He loves me'. How about that one on for size?
God wants to heal you, but He knows more than we do. He knows out future. He knows what would happen if He took it away. I guess the ultimate lesson is one in trust. We have to trust that He knows what He is doing. And He does. I promise! He knows exactly what He is doing. All we can do is keep loving and talking to Him.
Saturday, January 3, 2009
i havent been writing as much as i would like to, but, friends of the internet blogging community, im broken and i think i need to write about it.
a very close friend of mine told me that she saw a mask on me. she thought that i was hiding something. like i put on a mask of apathy.
apathy: absence or suppression of passion, emotion, or excitement
she saw a mask of my suppressed passion. its true and it stabbed me how spot on she was.
my therapist always asks me "whats going on for you right now?" i find myself asking that very question all the time. "what is going on for me right now?" so when i heard/read that she saw through my mask, i asked it. and the answer?
ouch. a lot is going on for me right now. im lost. broken. confused. annoyed. frustrated. fake.
i dont know what im doing. i feel like im just waiting again. im just waiting for something to happen instead of making it happen. but then again, i dont know what "it" is. i have no idea. but i know that i want "it".
where did that burning passion go for the lost and broken? why cant i see the fire in my own eyes anymore? my songs turned sad instead of presenting a battle. my thoughts turned inward instead of on the ones who need me. where am i?
i used to be on fire for living. i used to walk with a purpose and used to abandon responsibility for a calling. but now, i wander. i dont know what to do with myself.
but it doesnt feel wrong. i dont feel depressed like i used to. i know that there are people ready to shower me with encouragement. i know they love me. so this is different. this is harder.
ive lied to my therapist saying that i dont have anything to talk about. i didnt lie because i didnt want to talk about it, but because i dont know what there is to talk about. i dont know what is going on for me. i really dont know.
while we were in EMDR, i saw this picture:
i had just beaten up my ED. he laid on the floor, unconscious. and i looked out the window. on my lawn there was a huge crowd of people. they looked up at my bedroom window. they just waited. in my mind, i had the words "fight for them now", running through my head. i knew that it was time to fight for them. i had to help them in their battles since they had no way of finding light like i did. and as i was staring out at them, attempting to stir hope into their lives, ED jumped up and grabbed onto me. i had to fight him again until he laid on my bedroom floor, unconscious.
it was here that i realized sometimes i have to fight my battle. its important to remember that i still have to fight. i cant save the world without being saved.