Monday, July 13, 2009

A New Song

i have a really neat friend.
ive been meaning to write her a song.

12 hours ago, i was a girl
in my own world
i saw things
that weren't what i thought
like lollipops
that turn your mouth blue
and stick to you

when the world turns blue
and when all else fails

when i was a young child,
i was tied to a leash
for twelve years
i would walk around the park
with my backpack
the most popular kind
to practice school
in the middle of july
though it didn't start til fall

when the world turns blue
and when all else fails

sing freedom
in an obscure tone
laughing at emotions
when the life talks come out
and when all else fails

its going to be okay
just do a funny dance
its going to be okay
just save up money to fly
its going to be okay
just do a funny dance
lets save the world

Sunday, July 12, 2009

A fresh set of thoughts

Last night was a tough one to get through.
Church this morning revived me.
While I was sitting through an attack believing that I had to be there, I was believing a huge lie.

The pastor this morning was telling us how one morning at church, he believed that he would never be able to give up lying. He would never be able to give up his core sin. He believed it when the very message he was listening to was about believing that God is bigger than his core sin. I began to think what is my core sin? I feel like I have so many of them.


How can I be freed from any of those when they are literally consuming me? I have to believe that I don't have to sit in the depression. I have to believe that there is a time when it will be gone.
There was a time when I felt free from it. I did so much that I never thought I could.

I dont want your encouraging words right now.
I'm sorry, but it makes it worse.
I've heard them all and they will still continue to sound the same so don't try to relate. Don't console me.
I have to come to it myself.

Still there's something else telling me that its worth it.
The strengths, struggles, and sins that I have right now are going to be something beautiful. Its because I have this craziness that I want to save the world. It isn't about me anyway. Its about people that are dying because of injustice in the world. Its because there are people suffering at the hand of a political leader. Its because children are being used, abused, threatened, and killed. I am NOT okay with that. I will lay all of my selfishness--my core sin--aside because I have a heart for the bleeding. I have to go for this.

Maybe instead of coming back completely broken, I'll come back completely healed.

Of course, if its the former, with brokenness comes strength and with strength, we can move the world.

We're changing lives. Breaking down walls. Healing the world.
Activism at its prime ladies and gentlemen.

A fresh set of tears.

Have you ever just felt broken?
Have you ever found yourself sitting and just wanting to cry?
Have you ever wanted to weep and crack in two?
Have you ever felt trapped and abused?

I believe this calls for a fresh set of tears.

I can't help but picture myself imprisoned in this hollow trap of depression and darkness.
I don't say this to gain sympathy or attention; it is merely a fact. I feel like the victim. I don't control this, I promise you that. I would much rather be running around, creating havoc upon the town tonight instead of sitting at home crying because I feel the weight of the world on my shoulders. I would much rather be outside falling in love, watching a star, crying "celebration", or singing a lullaby than lay on the floor wondering how in the world I am going to face sixteen kids tomorrow pleading for my attention and happiness.

Just let it go...
But it isn't mine to let go.
It isn't my decision.
I have let it go--it grabs me, thrashes at me, claws at my very existence.

And what do I have but faith?
I have nothing but faith that it will pass.
It is the time that I have to endure it that hurts me the most.
You see, I know it will pass, but until then, I have to sit through it.

...and its the sitting that gets me

I was born to run.

Saturday, July 11, 2009


I have never felt like anything expresses addiction and depression like this does.
I choked out a cry again...literally threw up emotion.

watch it.

depression is a monstrous beast and it
grabs at me
controls me
holds on to me
grips me in its clutches
throws me around
abuses me

Tuesday, July 7, 2009

Thinking of the past

I often sit at my computer and remember everything I have done to myself.

the abuse.
the hunger.
the darkness.
the ultimate pain.
the thoughts.

I was searching for support tonight. I ran to something-fishy but didnt find what I was looking for in the long threads of, "Keep fighting. You have the power." Searching on google is always dangerous since there are so many pro-ana sites.

I resorted to writing.
I'm just going to write out everything in my head. Be warned. It isn't pretty. Here is my reality.

"You have eaten way too much today. I thought your goal was to lose more weight since you've gained so much and people are starting to think you're normal. You're just like every one else and who wants mediocrity? Who wants to blend in with the crowd? Thats so boring. Being thin means you'd stand out. Better. Better than them. You have more stamina. You can handle more. You've been through more. Done more to yourself than anyone else...kind of. You could do more. Get away with more. Maybe you should resort to something more drastic. You havent OD-ed in a while. Try that maybe. More of it though this time. Its better that way. You deserve it from eating that much today. Disgusting...this body doesnt deserve that much food. You can get away with eating so much less. Remember living on a piece of bread and water? Remember how rewarding that was? It was so much better than feeling grotesque all day. So much better than them. You can be as skinny as her. Even skinnier. You'll look better anyway. Beauty is sacrifice. Gosh, just take those pills already. Do something. You're so lazy and have nothing to do all the time. That time can be spent at the gym, you know that dont you? No one knows you there. Just you and the machines. Machines can't feel. Become a machine. Its easier that way. Life doesnt have to be hard. You're making it harder than it is. Ridiculous. Just give in to what you really want."

and still. that was me filtering some of it.
now, how can you say that ED is a cry for attention.
I'm ready to fight the stereotypes...i think.

As i typed that, something dark came over me. This is not okay.
It wasnt me typing.
I'm scared at how quickly this can creep into me.
Im tortured.

Saturday, July 4, 2009

I have been detached.

For good reason, I promise.

Sometimes, the burden is too heavy to carry that I have to resort to leaving it somewhere else.
I'm sorry that I have left you there too.

Really, it's nothing personal.

It's for good reason, I promise.