I Have Been Learning.

My boots were clicking on the pavement today as I walked to and from class. I felt important not only because I enjoyed being able to wear said boots and a scarf in the deliciously cold air, but also because I felt my sense of direction, my new sense of being able to live, fill me up. You see, I wanted to write this blog a long while ago (and by that I mean last night), but I was too emotionally stirred up to write it. However, now I'm not exactly sure what I was going to write about. I'll attempt at it anyway with a series of bullet points about what I have been learning since I have been back in little 'ole Highland, CA. I want to share my heart with you. Please sit back and read. It is all I have.

• Compassion. I know I've always been one to go around spouting the word like the troup of high schoolers still on a peace trip. I have known compassion for others for a long time. The thing is, when I was young, I would pray for it. I found a prayer journal of mine that had endless requests about wisdom and compassion for other people. However, in the past couple of weeks, I have felt compassion on my own life. I have done things that I am definitely not proud of in the slightest bit, but I find myself free from it today because of that word that has etched its way into my every being. When I would sing the words written by some of my favorite people, "My God is mighty to save!", I would often believe and hear in my head that my God is mighty to save North Korea, people with eating disorders, sex slaves, African child soldiers...et cetera...but here's the deal, here's the truth: He wanted me to hear it for myself. I believed, whether I knew it or not, that My God is mighty to save everyone but me. Well, of course, Miss Mosher, if He can save them, He can save you. Exactly. And this is the kind of compassion I have learned. A simple sentence, but a strong and truthful one.
  
• Not Wait, But Live. A good friend of mine was facebook chatting with me when I was having a...lets call it...rough day. I found myself, of course, on youtube watching Hillsong's Brooke Fraser singing "I will exalt You..." and that spark inside of me burst into a gigantic flame. I am supposed to be doing what she is doing. I want to be up there more than anything, encouraging girls like me to love and worship God. No, more than I want to, I have to, I belong there. It's my calling in life. However, I also know that now is not the time and God has a plan. So, it puts me in this place, where I sit and wait--and wait--for His plan to be carried out. My friend re affirmed my desires. He said "You're alive and at home when you're up there. I know it will happen, but until then, you have to live. Live not wait." Wow! What a profound statement. I always find myself in a waiting period and it stifles my living! There is so much that I have lost because I have been waiting instead of living. Even more than that, my mom and I have always laughed at the fact that when I'm not trying to further my music or whatever, the best opportunities are thrown at me. Everything that has changed my life has been a quick decision and has had the least amount of planning. In other words, I was living (not waiting) and an amazing opportunity came up.
• Sometimes, you have to detach. This is probably the hardest thing I had to learn when I got back from the dirty south. I'll just say it straight: My friends cannot save me. In order to lay down everything I knew, everything that killed me, I had to step away from everything I loved--especially the people I loved. I am the type of person that clings tightly to the people I know. It's partially not my fault. You see, while I was in the hospital, I was taught that my supports (I'm realizing what a strange word that is...as with many terms I learned in recovery groups and such)--the people that I run to when the fighting gets tough--were the main aspect of my recovery, that they were the ones that were going to get me through it. Example: when I would talk in therapy about a struggle I went through over the weekend, my therapist would ask "Did you ask for support from one of your supports?" And while I still believe that people are a vital part in recovery and accountability, I have recognized through the past weeks and month, that people will fail. People cannot be the only thing you have to run to. I promise you it is the truth. And there is one reason to it: They are human with personal junk in them too. Again, you may be thinking, Of course, miss mosher...you already knew that. But really, think about it, did you ever realize what that means? The person sitting next to you has that deep dark black whole that you have. Think of the hardest thing you have to deal with and multiply it by two. Now take half of it and place it into your best friend. There. Now you get it. All of that to say this: I had to detach...I mean completely detach from my friends. I didn't call them to hang out. I stayed in my house pretty much all day (which was a defeat in and of itself seeing as I hate being by myself sometimes) and I prayed, sang, wrote, read, cried, prayed, played...et cetera. And you know what? It was the one thing that really made me realize that I was already free.
• I am already free. Yes. It is the truth. I am already free. I was already free. I chose to stay in the jail cell although the key was in the door and it was wide open. I chose to stay inside. I had already gained freedom and all I needed to do was take it. I'll leave you with that though as it opens up a huge discussion and thought process.
  

I'm going to continue to share my heart here. I don't know if people truly read this, but it would be encouraging to know that they do. Tell me what you've learned. Show me your heart. Share Truth.