Monday, March 29, 2010

Friday, March 26, 2010

Are you a lightbulb?

...Because you light up my life.

i read that [heart-box] like i needed it.

Thursday, March 25, 2010

Thought Vomit.

I wish it was Monday.

soft kitty, warm kitty, little ball of fur.
happy kitty, sleepy kitty, pur pur pur...

i can't get this song out of my head.
home is wherever i'm with you.

oh monday, come sooner.

Wednesday, March 24, 2010

Spring Break

It's spring break and I sit in the magic room thinking. I'm thinking about everything.
About recovery (or the lack of), about love, about life, about the future, about the people I've managed to hurt, about whether or not I will capitalize the 'I's in this post...
I've reached a weird conclusion:
[I will capitalize them]
I have never wanted to recover for someone else. It has always been because I was tired of fighting and the only way to get rid of the ongoing war inside my mind was to fight through it and win. I conquered. I fought for myself. But here, amidst the instruments and amidst the magic, I want to fight because he wants me to fight. It's a strange feeling that I haven't fully assessed yet. How can I recover because of someone else? And why would I want to do that?

1. I don't want everything I say to him to be about my struggle for power inside a place that no one else may go.
2. I want to live. I want to live alongside him. [Truly, truly, this leads to death or something similar]
3. I don't want him to leave me. Yes, yes, I know that he promises, he pleads to stay with me and see me through the battle, but so have others. They have promised. They have vowed. They have, over and over, made that statement. I believe this one. I believe he holds my heart, but in the back of my mind, there might be a day where I drive him away with my never-ending struggle for victory. Ushindi.

It was a long and dark December. From the rooftops I remember there was snow; white snow.

Somewhere inside of me I want freedom more than anything. Somewhere inside of me, there is a girl dying to be strong and powerful. She is meek and timid and she doesn't know how to get out. I can't find her.

Donnez-moi votre Tumaini.

Tuesday, March 23, 2010

Share it.

Share my heart with you?

Well, right now, it is paralyzed. Today was a good day. Today was filled with the sun and clarity.
Today was a good day.

Tonight is a bad night.
Its funny how that works...a good day turning into a bad night.

Because I hate guilt trips.
And I hate the dark.
And I hate the intrusion of someone else.

So I'm conflicted.
And you've done absolutely nothing wrong.
You are wonderful.
You are delightful.

But its her.
its her subtle manipulation.
she is controlling. she is condescending.
and i dont even think she knows.
so my heart is paralyzed because i have no idea what to do with myself. i dont know how ive managed to be wrong once again.

get this (animal) out of my face.

im sorry that i needed a day to myself after a weekend of being surrounded.

Sunday, March 21, 2010


...I am so incredibly done dealing with this.

Tuesday, March 16, 2010

...My Only Sunshine.

My knee says "I love you. I'm sorry." It's a true statement about the life I lead. Its a beautiful confession that goes wonderfully with my arm which reads: "love never fails." Love is wonderful. Love is truly like oxygen, Christian. I must agree with you there. The sun feels warmer today and life [oh, life!] is beautiful.
I was inspired to write this today as I drove back to my house in my sweet, little town that I, way too often, take advantage of. A sunny afternoon with the love of my life left me pleasantly content and satisfied with being me [a rare occasion to feel this way that is showing up more often]. It's March. It's March in Southern California. This means that it is the beginning of the summertime (contrary to popular belief, summer begins in February here).
I was almost home when the traffic slowed down and ambulances raced up on-ramps like rockets. The dust they created swirled about the hot cars, but the people inside stayed calm and cool with their air conditioners and large soft drinks. In our thoughts, we wondered what happened and how badly the people were hurt. We wanted to know what happened and who was hurt. Sadly, my mind went straight to death. Who died? I most likely didn't know them, but this is my town after all.
I continued driving at a snail's pace as my worship music continued to blare out of my speakers. More and more ambulances and police officers rushed through the crowded freeway. At last, I could see the collection of emergency vehicles huddled around a section of the road and across the way. Above, an overpass held five spectators. Did they know the victims of this brutal scene?
I drove underneath the overpass and felt as though I was driving into death. In this short movie I had been cast in, I could sense the conflict about to occur. The music came to a climax and fell.
For all Your sons and daughters who are walking in the darkness
You are calling us to lead them back to You.
I knew I was about to see something gruesome. Something terrible had just happened though the sky seemed to be oblivious. I drove through the scene and slowed for a police man to cross the glass-littered highway. I looked to the left to see three cars torn apart. The ambulances had already been there and gone. I hoped everyone was alive.

I drove the other five minutes to my house thinking about how precious life is. About how important it is. About how sweet it is to be alive to feel the sun on my body and to love the love of my life, my best friend, my family, the people I hold dear to my heart.
Why is it that we are united when tragedy strikes?
On the freeway, I felt like people began to care when they saw flashing red lights. They suddenly slowed down to let the police car cross the road. They turned down their music. They got off of their phones, or began dialing them (despite the laws against it...its an emergency, we're allowed to break the rules). We slowed to let the other lane of cars merge with ours so that the ambulance would have the 300 feet it required. But why? Because suddenly, lives were threatened and though we are selfish beings, somewhere deep inside of us, we cared. We cared that they have the amount of time and space they needed to attempt to keep a life on this earth. Because those lives deserve to feel the sun again. They deserve to feel love. They deserve to know that there are people that don't know them, but care for them enough.

I think about the final exam I may have done poorly on this morning and about the pain in my stomach that I cause. I think about my life that I threatened years ago. I think about the dozens and dozens of people I love. And then I think about the sun and the summer and the feeling of being infinite. Of never having to walk in darkness. Of never having to be desperate. Of always loving and being loved. And suddenly, I realize that you are my sunshine...

...yes, you.

Wednesday, March 10, 2010

I hate passion

only sometimes.
right now is one of those (some)times.

and i've ranted and raved on this unknown, unimportant online journal too many times about my dream, my goals, my heart, my passion, my life...blah blah blah...(insert complaint here)

and yet nothing has happened.
i fail to follow through.
because as i have been reminded by every single person that cares about me:
i get too wrapped up in what im doing at present.
i forget about the future.
i live for the now.
i dont plan and execute.
i know,
i know.
i know--
that i need to get up and do something. that i need to make a plan and follow through. that i need to finish something for once.
but i have no idea how.
and i keep sitting here.

Monday, March 8, 2010

I try

to believe there's something better than me.
...there's something better than what i see...
--your words make me melt.
they bring good, sweet tears
because i've never felt so loved before.
i've never been here before.
don't let this one go. don't ever take advantage of this love. its way too special.
be careful with this heart.
more careful than you have ever been.
don't lose this one.
oh my...
i love you.

Tuesday, March 2, 2010


Love, you'll never fail me now.

I have been thinking and listening a lot lately.

[its unfortunate that i have been because, you see, i have a paper due soon...but i need to write this out...because im a writer, and this is what i do.]
i want to dedicate my life to love. i want to dedicate my life to loving the loveless because i believe they deserve it.
oh sure, we're sinners and undeserving of grace and what not. i know that. i know that we're horrible creatures motivated by selfishness. but how can we sit on that fact when the most important detail is the very fact that we were given grace? despite our disgusting nature to look inward, we were forgiven. therefore, we deserve love. we, the forgiven, are deserving of love.

my friend wrote about loving and i firmly agree with her. i want to love and be loved and nothing else.
freely running towards the prize.
because i can
because i am able
because it is important.
and this is what life is about.

i dont care if it hurts too badly. for inside the hurt i find sparks of motivation and inspiration. out of the darkness comes a light that changes everything.

Monday, March 1, 2010

i need answers.

tell me a story of how you found success;
how you came to wear that dress.