Thanksgiving

God works in such strange ways sometimes. but, its because of this, that my faith grows stronger and stronger every day.
its like the time when my friend told me that she asked God, "what do my praises smell like?" and He said "thanksgiving". She was ecstatic! how exciting it is to be told that your praises smell like thanksgiving!? that worked for her. it meant so much that her praises smelled like something as familiar as thanksgiving is. God knew, and knows, what to tell us to create such a reality in our lives. He knows exactly how to get to us.
for me, He had to throw my music to the floor and leave a blank sheet to tell me that I am so clean through Him that i dont even have to think about my blemishes or iniquities. He knew that thats what would get to me right at that moment. just one blank sheet. anyone could have told me that before, and they did in fact, but there was something about looking at that blank sheet. it stared me down, but in a peaceful and understanding way. i knew exactly what God was saying in that moment. it was a personalized message just waiting for me to grasp.
and just now. as i saw the tag on my pants i was wearing. in my eating disorder, numbers have always killed me. i had to be smaller than a double zero in pants. i had to be smaller than an extra small shirt. but as i looked at the tag in my pants, really cute pants i might add... :]], it said 5/S...meaning that a size five pants is considered small. wow. that totally spoke to me! as weird as it may seem, it really clicked for me that the small that my eating disorder shows me, is a completely different small in reality! well, duh, you might be saying, i could have told you that. and thats just it! you can tell me that every day and try to pound it into my head with a big solid hammer! but i wont understand it unless i feel it or see it or hear it or...you get it...for myself. it also reminded me that a small in this pair of pants may be a different small in another pair. sizes vary, so how can i base my judgement of "small" or even "large" on just one pair of pants.
really, all of that to say this: God has plans to show us something each in our own way. He has personalized messages ready to be sent out to each of us all of the time. different things will speak to different people. just like im not sure if i would get as excited as my friend did about smelling like thanksgiving. and she may not see the joy in understanding that a size five really can mean small. im so glad that God understands the way i learn and the way i will truly understand a concept.

i need new friends.

lately, i've been feeling like i have no friends. wow. you might say, miss mosher, you are surrounded by friends! how can you say such a thing? well, people of the internet, i feel like i dont have that close group of people that know me well. i dont feel like i can call up that group and go out and do anything. i have a few close ones that text me to see how im doing with ed and everything, but no one that just calls me up to chat and see my face for absolutely no reason at all. i miss that. in high school, i always had that. i could walk around campus at lunch and fill up all my time during lunch simply saying hello to people and seeing what they were up to. now, i feel lonely and like everyone has moved on in their lives while i sit here and wait.
it reminds me of the pyramid we learned in psych. the hierarchy of needs. there was one that mentioned the need to be associated with a group. i find myself believing this to be more and more true. i need to be in a group that knows me and wants to be around me. mostly, i dont feel like i have a best friend and it bothers me. i dont have that one person that knows when im having a hard time when i havent said anything. maybe im just ranting and complaining and i need to just get over it while i wait for college to start, but it feels like something is missing and this is all i can think of.
maybe i should just be satisfied in the fact that i have Jesus. He satisfies all of my hierarchies of needs. He will always be there, He knows my struggles, He wants to hang out with me, He calls up just to chat, and He shares all of my interests. yeah, maybe i just need to remember that amazing fact.

and should we be surprised?

I went to a 24 hour prayer night that one of my friends ran.
oh boy. it was so amazing. and should we be surprised?

at the beginning, i felt blocked. i had so much on my shoulders at that point. my worship team didnt feel like it was worshipping. ed was LOUD. a pastor who wrote an amazing worship song in australia faked his cancer diagnosis. it was really hard for me to let go of everything. really hard. my friend's knee was hurting pretty badly, so i put my foot (its a weird God thing we have between us...) on her leg and prayed for healing. and what do you know? all the pain was gone. and should we be surprised? my mom ordered that i come home and sleep, so i went home at 10 fully planning on waking up at 2 in the morning to go back. by the time my alarm went off, i was out. so i slept through it and ended up waking up at 4:30.
oh, ed LOVED that. he played with my mind so much saying that i have no stamina. he said, "you should starve so that people will know that you really have more stamina than they do. you cant even stay up all night, show them that you failed and you will make it right by starving." yikes right?
i went back regardless. and i got there to the sound of brad's voice and guitar. again, i felt blocked out. i couldnt worship with my whole heart. maybe i was still waking up...im not sure. the sun began to rise and so we jumped up on stage to worship through the sunrise. then i started to let go again. we plugged into the sound system. and just let go. i love it when im able to do that. its so free. i just sing whatever comes out...well, its like its not me anymore. i step back and God just pours through me out of my voice. it doesnt matter if im making any words, its just noise coming out. and i love that feeling. i used to be afraid of that because it was risky. what if im off key? what if it doesnt go with the music? well, the thing is, God is always on key and He always goes with the music. :]
anyway, after that, we went to get breakfast, came back, and worshipped. i went up there this time and played. i was beginning to let go more and more. and because of that, ed attacked me more and more. my friend left and i just sat there, feeling the attacks. each one harder and harder to hear. my friend came over and said "hey whats going on, talk to me." the only words i could really get out were "ed is loud". he took me over to the other guys and they all laid hands on me and prayed. i was bawling like a baby. then my friend said "speak out all the lies that you're being told right now. out loud." so i thought hard which was weird because ed had been so loud, i didnt really have to think hard to hear it. but now, there was nothing. silence. peace. ed wasnt there. and should we be surprised?
that night. like at 4 or 5...there were more people there and i sat on the floor to worship. my friend had come back by that time, she leaned over and said "God says the person you are supposed to be with isnt with you because you both have things to learn, not saying its the person you think it is...it could be, but it could not." man. right then, i dont know why, but that was so painful to hear. so i cried some more and my friend just held me.
earlier that day, my friend that put the meeting together said that he had a vision of him and me closing out the meeting together. he said that God was just going to blow us out of the water. it was going to be absolutely wonderful.
so it came time for the meeting to be over in about a half hour. and we went up and began to worship. i have never felt so free in my life. my friend leaned over and said "in the last ten minutes, God is going to tell you something and you have to share it." scary, i thought. im not a speaker. i have a voice to sing with, but thats it...i was scared. so i played anyways. i looked over to my friend, and he said "God wants three more." and i got to this one song by leeland. carried to the table. at the end, it says "you carried me, my love. you carried me." and i felt compelled to ask everyone to just make noise and sing that He carried them. He carries us every day through our struggles and temptations! and as we were singing that, my music fell off of my stand. it wasnt a big deal, i had memorized the chords. but when i opened my eyes, i saw a blank piece of paper. i lost it at that point. i couldnt even sing i was crying so much. so i just let everyone else sing for me. i looked at that blank piece of paper and it was so clear. we are innocent. we are saved by His blood. every day, He carries us through our crap and makes us cleaner than that piece of paper. we are pure and innocent in that. so i shared that with them. God totally talked to me in those moments. and should i be surprised?
He wanted me to play more because I hadnt heard Him yet. we just kept singing "fire fall down on us as we pray." and it was beautiful. i felt so connected to everyone, and so free at the same time. I finished out the meeting. I had so much power. well. it wasnt me at all. it was Him, through me. completely. i dont know how to explain it other than that. it WAS Him. i know it.
my friend's vision was right, i finished out the meeting.
and should we be surprised?

WOWZA

wow. the only word that runs through my mind is wow.
tonight, led worship at praxis, and God was totally there. From the moment Jared began to bang on that dead cow of his (the african drum..)...dang. so good!! i think Leeland must feel this way when he hears an entire church or stadium full of people worshipping. Leeland, i think i know how you feel and i want to feel that way every day. after Hosanna, which in itself just sounded beautiful, i threw in amazing grace, but the version that the almost does. and i put my head down and played, and everyone kept singing and it was this angelic, so sweet, pure and innocent sound. but yet it was filled with so much. with desperation. with pleas. with hurting. and everyone sang it out to God. what a beautiful sound. this, ladies and gentlemen, is what i live for.

and during the message, philippians 1, God showed me something i needed to see. there is a verse that says something like "how am i sure of my deliverance? because i believe in the power of prayer and the spirit of Jesus Christ." and that hit my heart hard! i wrote in my journal, "how am i sure that i will divorce you Ed? because i believe in the power of prayer and spirit of Jesus Christ." Then i wrote in big letters, BE GONE ED. tonight, i feel so free from Ed and his terrible grips on me, but i know that attacks are yet to come because the closer i get to signing the divorce papers, the more Ed fights to get me back. I know for sure that he is preparing something huge thats going to catch me off guard. but if i keep a tight hold on my Jesus, there is nothing, no attack from Ed, that can pull me down into his abusive arms. if i hold tight to my Jesus, i will forever be free.

The Lion of Judah has broken every chain. He gives me power, hallelujah, day by day.
The Lion of Judah has broken my ties to Ed, He hasnt seen us married since Ed abused me. He gives me power to fight back and throw Ed to the ground. Hallelujah, Praise the God who took me back as His bride and always will! Praise the God who saved me and loves me and doesnt tell me that im worthless. Every day He will remind me that im His princess. His daughter. His creation! His mercies are new EVERY morning.

ED personalities

my therapist told me to create a character for each part of my eating disorder. contrary to what the media tells you, an eating disorder is a lot more than just not eating or throwing up. it has mostly a lot to do with control...at least thats how it is for me. so here are my characters that are pretty much screaming in my head all of the time. it helps to picture them with me all the time. its easier to seperate what is a distortion and what is not. lets play out a scenario. lets say i went out to dinner with some friends. here is what would be going on in my head the whole time:


ms. perfectionist: (standing behind me, her hands on the back of my chair) you better say the right thing. order something that is normal to everyone else. dont get anything different. engage in everyone's conversation. be a perfect hostess. smile and be happy, no one likes a depressed person.
dr. anxiety: (running around like a chicken with its head cut off) no one will like you because they think you're weird. no one will laugh at any of your jokes. everyone will judge you by the way you look and eat and talk and everything!!! you are incredibly ignorant.
monster ishould: (staring at me across the table) you should order the cheapest thing. you should order the item with the least calories. you should talk to everyone. you should give compliments, everyone likes compliments and will therefore like you. you should only talk if you have something valuable to say. you should be able to impress everyone.
sir depression: (underneath the table, whispering up at me) maybe you should have stayed home. who cares about fighting ed anymore. its too hard. these people have no idea what youre going through and they most likely dont care. might as well lock yourself up in a closet forever.

King Ed. my husband that im trying to divorce. : (sitting right next to me, his arm around my shoulders) dont eat that, you'll look ugly. nobody likes ugly people. that has way too many calories in it, if you eat it, you'll have to get up at three in the morning and burn it off. ooohhh...youre going to choose that? not a good idea. id change my mind if i were you. gross. you're the smallest girl here, good work...still you could be a little smaller. come on, just stop eating now, youve had enough. dont you remember what it felt like to be hungry all the time? stamina and strength, thats what hunger is. take my hand, it'll all be better. dont you want to feel pretty?!

re-ignited

wow. how easily can i forget my purpose?
i was thinking today, i know i know dangerous...but really. i was thinking about how selfish ive become. seriously. for the past six months, ive been extremely selfish. even in africa which is terrible. i have had this sense and this passion to save the world for such a long time and i think ive been taking advantage of it. how terrible is that?
my entire motto is to live out loud. but ive abandoned that and forgotten what that means.
so what does it mean exactly?
to live out loud is to not be afraid to spread the love of Jesus Christ. our Savior. our Creator. our Love. He is our everything. why cant He be everyone else's everything. In the lyrics from tears of the saints, "this is an emergency". and oh boy is it ever! our world is hurting so much! in an emergancy, wouldnt you bend over backwards to make sure everything came out safely? wouldnt you attempt to save all the children out of a burning hospital, wouldnt you try to save as many things as you could in a major earth quake, wouldnt you run to the aid of anyone that needed it? so how is this different?
living out loud is recognizing that our entire existence is to spread the love that Christ has given us. living out loud is all about saving people through our actions, our words, basically, our entire lives!
how did i lose sight of living out loud?!

new blog, new thought.

Well, here I am, opening up a new blog. I like Blogs. They kind of get out my thoughts.
Although, I do have a gazillion journals to write in. I sometimes find that its easier to type out my thoughts than it is to write them or say them. So Im starting another place to do just that.
I will most likely be posting a million song lyrics that will never be given music, random thoughts with generic he's and she's, angsty poetry that occasionally (though i hate to admit it) comes spewing forth ha, and ones like this: just thoughts.

So Ive been thinking a lot about relationships...shocker huh? and my friend told me this: it takes three parts to comprise a Christian, healthy relationship. 1. attraction. 2. the same direction or purpose in life. and 3. having Christ be the leader.

1. attraction. duh. God gave us eyes to see. He knows that we are going to find people physically attractive. And why shouldnt we? God created stunning people!
2. the same direction or purpose in life. I think this is super important. and when I said that I wanted to adopt Joy and Kweoya from Korogwe, Tanzania, my friend said, well, your husband will have the same purpose. He will want to do the same. My husband will want to travel the world and minister globally. wow. what an exciting idea.
3. having Christ as a leader. I think this goes for both in separate lives, and in a life together. I think that first you have to have Christ be your personal leader before getting into a relationship. Then once you have that in your personal life, you can begin a life with another person and it will be that much better because you both have striven to only follow Christ. so your relationship will be driven by Christ. and what is better than that?! :]

i am beginning to love this idea and its beginning to provide me with a lot of understanding. A LOT of understanding. im so thankful that God showed me this recently. i love it. i love Him. life is much better.