Friday, November 21, 2008

Opportunity Come, Opportunity Go...

Well. I had an interesting week.
I auditioned for an agency called AMTC. go check it out for more details. i really dont feel like/have the time to explain all about it.
and i got accepted which is totally awesome. i was beginning to think that this was my break, my exciting time, and my in to the music industry where i was made for! but then, the $3585 and modeling/acting training threw itself in there and i found myself incredibly disappointed.
you see, about a month ago, i was praying and driving (potentially dangerous, approach with caution) and i asked God, okay yelled at Him, "I dont know what im doing with this music thing anymore! You do it!!" and He said, gently of course, "write me a love song, and it will happen." So i set off down songwriter lane and attempted to write Him a love song. Friends, it was not easy by any means. But, about a week and a half ago, there it was. I named it "Capture". (I'll most likely post the lyrics up soon...) and I felt like I had finally accomplished what He told me to do. So then came this opportunity to sing at AMTC and I immediately chose "Capture" to sing at my audition. It was an incredible feeling, i must say, since my audition was the first time i had revealed it to anyone. So when I got the call that said "we think you're one of the best songwriters AMTC has seen", you can imagine my excitement.
and now, as i sit here typing this, im wondering how all of this measures up. it seems perfect that i should get in with this song exactly a week after i wrote it. it blew my mind at first. but now, seeing that i would have to do all of this extra stuff that i dont want to do, im not so "blown" about it.
friends, the point is, i need to learn to wait. i need to learn that i wont know everything before it happens. i need to learn to be patient. thats such a hard prayer because asking for patience is easy, learning it is incredibly difficult.
sorry to cut this short, but i have class.
more later. :]
maybe this is one of those lessons of being satisifed with where i am at. that thought alone throws my mind into a chaotic spiral down doubtful road. "but this is what i was made for! this is my destiny! this is everything ive been waiting for and whos to say that this 'opportunity' isn't the breaking point?!" im pretty sure that im going to have to wait for some more extended amount of much as that makes me cringe.
i'll have to be content with what i have, what i am, and what im slowly but surely becoming. so while brooke fraser is traveling the world, saving children's emotional stability through her music, im going to have to be okay with driving my nearly broken green volkswagen beetle with no air conditioner, the windows fully down, and jon foreman and i belting out "i dare you to move" on my twenty minute commute to good 'ol riverside. yes, friends, life is still good even when you don't have a record deal.

Saturday, November 8, 2008

Confession of A Recovered Heart

Last night I found myself feeling like I needed to confess everything I've done. I used to be suicidal and majorly depressed and I had given into the world. But, I've never actually told anyone the specifics of what I have done. So here it is, people of the internet. I'm confessing what I've done. Take it how you want to.
I have:
starved myself
worked out for four straight hours and therefore passed out
lied to my therapist when I told her I only did one hundred was six hundred.
slapped myself in the face repeatedly
overdosed on excedrin which jumpstarted the addiction to it
abused my left arm with combs, brushes, flashlights anything heavy hitting it until it was numb
picked my scalp until it bled...let it scab up and picked it again
scraped the skin off of my fingers until they bled and then played the piano with them so they would bruise under the skin
taped my wrists to cut off the circulation and burn my skin because the tape was so tight
looked in the mirror and despised myself more than anything i had ever seen.
Lastly, and most terrifyingly, I faced death without God.

Friends, dont face death without Him. Last night, as I was realizing I needed to confess all of this as a part of my healing, I broke down with imediate tears when I thought "I faced death without You." What I thought was the worst thing that could happen to me. What I thought was the worst life possible was about to get worse as I was about to die without my God. I ran away from Him and I almost died. I was hours away from death. And I was not with Him. That terrifies me. I am saved by Him, He loves me more than I hated myself. The song "Amazing Grace" has never rung more true to me. Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound that saved a wretch like me. I once was lost, but now Im found; was blind, but now I see. I can apply that to my life so well and its beautiful. Friends I pray that you wont face death without Him. Please, love Him, let Him save you. Let Him heal you.
Dont face death without Him.