without a savior, i cant be saved.

hi there.
i havent been writing as much as i would like to, but, friends of the internet blogging community, im broken and i think i need to write about it.
a very close friend of mine told me that she saw a mask on me. she thought that i was hiding something. like i put on a mask of apathy.
apathy: absence or suppression of passion, emotion, or excitement
she saw a mask of my suppressed passion. its true and it stabbed me how spot on she was.
my therapist always asks me "whats going on for you right now?" i find myself asking that very question all the time. "what is going on for me right now?" so when i heard/read that she saw through my mask, i asked it. and the answer?
ouch. a lot is going on for me right now. im lost. broken. confused. annoyed. frustrated. fake.
i dont know what im doing. i feel like im just waiting again. im just waiting for something to happen instead of making it happen. but then again, i dont know what "it" is. i have no idea. but i know that i want "it".
where did that burning passion go for the lost and broken? why cant i see the fire in my own eyes anymore? my songs turned sad instead of presenting a battle. my thoughts turned inward instead of on the ones who need me. where am i?
i used to be on fire for living. i used to walk with a purpose and used to abandon responsibility for a calling. but now, i wander. i dont know what to do with myself.
but it doesnt feel wrong. i dont feel depressed like i used to. i know that there are people ready to shower me with encouragement. i know they love me. so this is different. this is harder.

ive lied to my therapist saying that i dont have anything to talk about. i didnt lie because i didnt want to talk about it, but because i dont know what there is to talk about. i dont know what is going on for me. i really dont know.
while we were in EMDR, i saw this picture:
i had just beaten up my ED. he laid on the floor, unconscious. and i looked out the window. on my lawn there was a huge crowd of people. they looked up at my bedroom window. they just waited. in my mind, i had the words "fight for them now", running through my head. i knew that it was time to fight for them. i had to help them in their battles since they had no way of finding light like i did. and as i was staring out at them, attempting to stir hope into their lives, ED jumped up and grabbed onto me. i had to fight him again until he laid on my bedroom floor, unconscious.
it was here that i realized sometimes i have to fight my battle. its important to remember that i still have to fight. i cant save the world without being saved.