Thursday, December 31, 2009

Do you ever think about me?

So! I am quite excited because because because because beacaaauuuuuusseeee!

I have found hope again. Silly how i lose it sometimes.
I think i like to look for it in strange places.

also, i have recovered my ability to hear melodies in my head.
this is incredibly exciting for me. for, you see, i used to hear these songs in my head all day every day and for some reason called i-lost-my-purpose-to-live, i had also lost this ability [the song hearing]. but today while on the way to the theater, i heard it. i heard a melody. it is a sweet one--and i cant wait to coax it out to play with me. its something like this:

under the city lights a man can lose his life
its a little bit harder to find hope
if i've locked it up in the drawer
its a little bit harder to see this light
if i've shut the door

i know you can't hear that. but i can. I CAN!
its a bit like an injury. say you're a tennis player and your arm suddenly starts to hurt so badly that you can't quite hit the ball as you're used to. your arm doesnt connect with the racket as it used to and you certainly dont send the tennis ball soaring over the net in quite the same way. so you take it easy, dont play as hard, and just wait. oh you still play, you feel you have to in order to breathe. but you certainly don't give it your all. then one glorious day, your arm feels better. without any warning or heads up, you feel great. and you're back in the swing of things.
its appreciation. and remembrance. its sweet, sweet comfort.

yes, that is exactly it.

Friday, December 25, 2009

I think I'm losing it.
What is it?

my mind
my heart
my life

i think i've been losing it for quite some time and have never had the time to stop and feel it. i am forced to feel it right now...and its absolutely awful. i do not like feeling. i hate it.

today, i had an awful thought.
and i cried.
for quite some time.
because i didnt feel understood.
like an annoying teenager.

but its the truth.
i feel too far gone. and i dont think anyone will want to accept that.
nor will they hear it.

the end. feels. important.

Tuesday, December 22, 2009

Surprise Form.

Recently, I have been searching...or rather...accepting?
Allow me to explain.

I find myself trying to seek out life, trying to catch it and hold it captive...claim it as my own. I try to coax out the song lyrics and force them to show themselves. I try to play the matchmaker in my own love story by trying on new last names like outfits with new shoes. I try to force myself into being a real adult that tackles problems head on without any help. But where does that get me?

I so desperately want to be in control, to be the one in charge. I want to know why. I want to know detail. I want to know everything. But this, as i am sure you must have figured out, is impossible.
Then I ask myself, "Would I be content if I knew everything? What if I knew every song I was to write, the last name I was supposed to take, or the real life plan I was to come in contact with? Would I truly be satisfied?" Of course not. Then I would be seeking it out, trying to make it happen quicker, make happiness come to me sooner.

The point is:
I have come to the conclusion that life is better in surpise form. Everything that has been worth while has been a surprise. It happens unexpectedly. I haven't tried. I haven't sought it out, it's just there.

It is time I let go and stopped trying so hard.

I see you in your darkness and I hold onto you.

Monday, December 7, 2009

Wouldn't it be nice to fall in love?

Wouldn't it be nice if my confidence wasn't shattered?
Wouldn't it be nice if you sang to my tune?
and wouldn't it be nice if the sky was bluer?
Wouldn't it be nice to fall in love?

Wouldn't it be nice if we fell for each other?
To buy a brand new house with our name on the step.
Wouldn't it be nice to grow older together?
Wouldn't it be nice to fall in love?

and the world, it keeps on turning.
oh, the world, it doesnt stop for me.
and we'd love, yeah we'd love to make it stop.
just to learn to understand how to love.

Wouldn't it be nice if the whole world knew eachother?
and they wouldn't hate, no, they'd understand.
Wouldn't it be nice to have a great big family
Wouldn't it be nice to fall in love?

Oh we'd love.
Wouldn't it be nice if we fell in love?
Wouldn't it be nice if we fell in love?

Did you want me to change?

Am I the villain or the victim here?

I am trying to decide which direction I need to go. The object of wanting to go there isn't an option anymore. I have a misconstrued sense of thoughts nowadays anyway.

I want to write music as sticky sweet as lisa mitchell.
You're my clean white love. You're too clean white love. What are you doing to me, what are you doing to my head?

I think this is possible.
I will try.
Her chords are simple and easy.
Its all in the vocals I think.

Yes, definitely. It's all in the voice where the world collides. Where the sky says hello.