Tuesday, September 30, 2008

Direction and Purpose

God has really driven my thoughts recently, even as I write this. There is such a transformation going on inside of me right now, its unbelievable...or maybe its believable.
maybe i'll present a list of some sort to show you, internet people.
-"Lauren, my daughter, find peace and rest." I've been asking for healing for a long time, why should i be surprised that He has given it to me? A lot of times i find myself sitting, laying, standing, walking, frolicking...etc...in anxiety. I worry about the weirdest things; some large, some miniscule. But God catches me every time and says that first quote. "Lauren, my daughter, find peace and rest." It really keeps me in check. Why am I freaking out? Is this really that important that I need to interrupt my day to worry about? I will always find my peace and rest in Him. Its so incredibly important to be able to relax and stop worrying. His word says so much on that. One for example is Philippians 4:6 (which I have painted on my wall...can you tell i worry way too much?) it says, "do not be anxious for anything, but with everything, through prayer and petition, present your requests to God." just think about that for a little bit.
-"Lauren, precious little Lauren, you're going to go through something extremely hard this summer, but Im going to catch you. And this will make you so strong in me, you will do amazing things because of this." and yes, i went through something extremey hard. it was so incredibly hard i didnt think i could make it through. i yelled at God and fought Him. I was so mad that He would let me go through it. But would I undo it? NO WAY! I have never felt so close to God in my life. So much has happened that I feel like I am always talking to Him, checking things out with Him, and just walking with Him. Its an amazing feeling and I love life now.
-"Lauren, beautiful daughter of mine, I want you to be a leader of young girls." My first thought was "uh. im not a leader. i pretty much suck at leading people, i get overwhelmed, i get nervous, i get self conscious, excuse 1, 2, 3, 4, 5..." and He kept saying "Dont tell me what you are not. I made you, I know what you are." WOW! what an awesome thought! when God tells me to do something, He knows I can do it, He made me! You might be thinking, well duh! but again, some things I can be told over and over and over again, but its moments like these that actually get somewhere in my brain. Oh, so I am leading a young girl's group on monday nights 6-8 in yucaipa, ca if anyone that reads this is in jr. high or high school and is interested. contact me.
-Perhaps one of the biggest things God has shown me is this. My friend was praying for me and she felt like she had to tell me the name "Thomas". So she did. I felt like I had to read the story of Thomas from one of the gospels, so I went searching through for anything about Thomas that might speak to me. I came to John...or was it Luke? I think it was Luke. anyways. Its after the resurrection. Jesus appears to eleven of the disciples...Thomas isnt there. The disciples later tell Thomas that they spoke with Jesus. He doesnt believe them and says that He will only believe that Jesus has risen from the dead if he himself puts His fingers where the nails were. So Jesus appears to Thomas and says "Stop doubting and believe." My heart sunk. Such conviction. God was telling me to stop doubting that He would be my everything. He wanted/wants me to believe with all I am that He will be my everything. Its hard. But its so possible. God is my everything. He is always with me. He gives me everything.

and recently, i have such a purpose in life, it amazes me. i am in awe of Him once again. and im excited to see what happens next. i cant wait!!

Thursday, September 18, 2008

What I've Lost To My Eating Disorder

the ability to see myself without any distortions
full health
self respect
love for myself
social interaction
social skills
the will to keep moving
my voice and the ability to voice my opinions

basically, i lost my life.
and for what?
for pain, for "beauty", for myself, for a diet.
its not worth it. i was so alone until i found help.
if you need help, get it. NOW.
once you have listened to ana or mia or both, you've already begun to lose everything. you only keep losing more and more.

Monday, September 15, 2008


I've been learning a lot about myself and my future.

and one thing I learned is that God gives me songs to write.
this one is a love song.

now, my dear.
He has told me to wait for you.
and I will wait to find your hand and become one.

for i know that my King is doing a mighty work inside your soul
as i sing, during these long years.

now, my love.
i have to imagine the day that we are seen as one.
and you will be more than I can ever imagine.

for i know that my King is molding your heart to hold mine;
as i wait, and wonder where you are.

and now, lover of my life.
i wont try to force my way into your life
because i know to run there, would spoil the big surprise.

its hard enough wondering who you will be.
its long enough waiting for you to find me.
but its worth it my love.
its worth it honey.
we'll love each other until death do we part.

i'll have to wait until love is ready to start.

Monday, September 8, 2008

Permanently Single

not really...
it just seems like it. God told me that i will be single for a long time. and i wonder: how long is a long time?
now that i look back, i realize that i've always been looking for a boyfriend/prospective husband. i never really sit back and let myself just be without a significant other. i mean its really not too big of a deal. i love myself, and when ive actually sat and thought about it, i love being single. i love feeling independent.
like that one person that everyone adores because they never seem to want to have anything else other than what they have. they do extraordinary things like travel on mission trips and such, they direct plays, write music, travel, hang out, have fun, travel, they do anything they want! and i love that. i want that. i want to be that person.

but as i sit here, i want that romance. i want a person to hold onto me, to tell me sweet nothings, to sing to me in their tone deaf voice, to just be with me. i dream of a romance. not the actual person. every time i think of a romance, i dont really think of the man himself. i just think of the action, the actual romance. the love not the lover. thats where i know im wrong. i should want the lover and the love. the man and his romance.

and then there's this: God told me that the reason im going to be single for a long time is because im going to be too busy. im going to be too busy doing His work. yeah. amazing. im excited about that. and thats all im going to say. im still processing it myself.
and also.
theres mexican music and cookies in Moe's kitchen...how can i resist?

Thursday, September 4, 2008

So Be It

amen: so be it

amen means "so be it". WOW. how much power is in that?! that is so cool and im glad that i looked it up.
its so often just a word for us that we use at the end of a prayer. but does anyone truly know what it means?! so be it.
the Word says that there is power in speech and words. so be it. believe in the prayer you just prayed because at the end of it, you have most likely said "so be it".
then why are we so shocked when things come true? God gave us so much power through our words.
im amazed right now. i just love it.
chores time.

so be it.

Wednesday, September 3, 2008

Healing Rain, Reign Over Us

these past few days, i have seriously been challenged. so much. i've been on "vacation", meaning i pretty much spend the night anywhere but my house. its a lot of fun. monday night, the mountains, last night, a friend's house in redlands. tonight, home...tomorrow night...who knows? its exciting.
but ive been challenged. and i've gotten a lot from God.
two songs. a dream. words. and a promise of security.
the dream was incredible, but confusing in so many levels at the same time. weird huh?
here it is:
i was in the mountains and i had a best guy friend...i was in love with him...and he was in love with me. he proposed to me in the middle of a forest and a week later, we got married. it wasnt an elaborate wedding, it was the simplest wedding i have ever seen. i was in jeans and a nice shirt, he was in business casual clothes. we were barefoot in the forest. i had a ribbon in my hair and thats about as fancy as it got. people just stood around to watch us. a pastor said a few words that i didnt entirely hear. and there was this glowing connection between my husband and me. i remember a big part of the dream was that i was really young. not younger than i am now. lets say like nineteen or twenty. i dont know how old he was...but im also not saying who it was because i know who it was and yeah i really do know how old but...dont ask. anyways. we were married and mostly everyone supported us except a few people. our whole family, on both sides were happy about it. but it didnt matter if anyone else didnt agree. it was like this is what we had to do. and yes, we were all happy and giddy "we just got married! yay! we're married and we have a life as one!" and all that jazz. but it was a different feeling. it was like, this is God's plan for us, so this is what we will do. done. i dont know, its a hard feeling to explain...then maybe a week after we were married, we went to this celebration thing. it was a huge party and while we were there, my husband (who shall still remain nameless) had to go in for surgery. we went to the celebration fully knowing this. i kissed him and told him he would be fine, and i would see him in a few hours. a few hours passed and he came out of the room completely fine. then we went back into the same room and an awards ceremony was taking place. the whole room was waiting for us, and clapped as we entered the room. then i woke up.
this is the most confusing dream. but the thing is, i was half awake during the entire thing. it wasnt like a random, im sleeping and a lot of things are combining randomly in my brain...i was mostly awake during all of it. and when i woke up, my hands were shimmering with gold dust. so i know it must mean something. i want to know what it means...if any of you, internet world, think you might have an idea...let me know because my brain wont leave it alone and its driving me nuts. :]]
so there, thats my dream. i would write out both of my songs right now, but i need to go get something to eat. maybe later.
oh! the title of this blog is the title of one of my new songs. healing rain, reign on us. my friend got that from God as i was playing on a piano in the mountains.

Monday, September 1, 2008

the worst is over

there's something about people coming out to pray for me. they take the time out of their busy schedules to come and pray for a girl that they hardly know. i love that.
ive been through quite a lot this weekend. i thought you, the people of the internet, might enjoy reading about it...or something...
on friday, first i woke up at like nine thirty or something at a house one of my friends is house sitting...totally didnt intend on sleeping there, but i fell asleep on the floor and woke up on the couch with a blanket on me. we went to a gazebo downtown and worshipped. my friend told me that God said "when Lauren worships and lifts her voice up, the heavens have her attention." WHAT?! amazing. sometimes, i feel like no one is really listening to my song. my music has so much meaning and i feel like sometimes, people only hear my voice. its so much more than just music. so to be told that the heavens have my attention, i was extremely excited. just as i began to play my new song "the water", the clouds opened up and the sun was so bright, like a spotlight on me. it was hot, but it was the coolest thing. after that i went to a meeting with joe where i was told that the recording of my full length cd would cost ten grand and take more than nine months. so right there, my dreams crushed. i will not be recording a new album. if anyone out there has ten grand and would like to sponsor me, shoot, bring it on. i want to record so badly. its my biggest passion and i was told no. its hard to hear, but im slowly getting it into my head that maybe this isnt what God wants me to do right now. there's something better of course. there always is.
so then on saturday, i went to a sunrise worship which was awesome. it started to pour down rain. then off to the well. a prayer house in mentone. people came that i didnt even know, and they prayed for me. they prophesyed over me and spoke in tongues and just thanked God for me. it was incredible. they said so many things that i just latched onto. one thing: my name means "victorious one". WHOA! victorious one. how amazing is that? and they said "lets throw out this word 'recovering' and replace it with 'recovered'. i am no longer chained to ed. i have already been set free. the only reason i struggle now is because ed keeps trying to chain me back in. i cant get depressed anymore for thinking that i have such a long way away from full recovery because i have already been recovered! i am free! and what is better? i never have to go back through all of that! its such an amazing feeling. i love it.
one thing that hit me hard was this: "most christians see the world as being dead, but you can see the life in people. and because you've already walked through the valley of the shadow of death, you can help people walk through it. you can bring the life out in people." thats awesome. i see the life in people. its so true. God has given me such an understanding about the lost and "dead". i have almost a sixth sense about girls with eating disorders. i know if they have one and what to say to them, sometimes without even talking to them. God has given me that. most people may see them dead, but i see the hurting and the pain in them. i see their brokenness. i see their hardships. but i also see their light. i see that they can come to life. and i know how to help them feel that. i was meant to help save the world. i really want to do just that.
one lady told me that i will start waking up with songs that God has given me in my sleep. and its been happening. i have a song about hypocrisy that God gave me. it was incredible. so cool.
when the ladies were praying for me, they were speaking in tongues and it sounded like swahili. it sounded like this phrase that a friend of mine always says. i dont know if it was, but that would just say a lot about this whole africa thing.
anyways, that was my weekend. i learned a lot. i feel so strong now. its wonderful and i love my new strength that i have found.
mostly, God is teaching me that i have already been through the worst. the worst is over.