my therapist told me to create a character for each part of my eating disorder. contrary to what the media tells you, an eating disorder is a lot more than just not eating or throwing up. it has mostly a lot to do with control...at least thats how it is for me. so here are my characters that are pretty much screaming in my head all of the time. it helps to picture them with me all the time. its easier to seperate what is a distortion and what is not. lets play out a scenario. lets say i went out to dinner with some friends. here is what would be going on in my head the whole time:
ms. perfectionist: (standing behind me, her hands on the back of my chair) you better say the right thing. order something that is normal to everyone else. dont get anything different. engage in everyone's conversation. be a perfect hostess. smile and be happy, no one likes a depressed person.
dr. anxiety: (running around like a chicken with its head cut off) no one will like you because they think you're weird. no one will laugh at any of your jokes. everyone will judge you by the way you look and eat and talk and everything!!! you are incredibly ignorant.
monster ishould: (staring at me across the table) you should order the cheapest thing. you should order the item with the least calories. you should talk to everyone. you should give compliments, everyone likes compliments and will therefore like you. you should only talk if you have something valuable to say. you should be able to impress everyone.
sir depression: (underneath the table, whispering up at me) maybe you should have stayed home. who cares about fighting ed anymore. its too hard. these people have no idea what youre going through and they most likely dont care. might as well lock yourself up in a closet forever.
King Ed. my husband that im trying to divorce. : (sitting right next to me, his arm around my shoulders) dont eat that, you'll look ugly. nobody likes ugly people. that has way too many calories in it, if you eat it, you'll have to get up at three in the morning and burn it off. ooohhh...youre going to choose that? not a good idea. id change my mind if i were you. gross. you're the smallest girl here, good work...still you could be a little smaller. come on, just stop eating now, youve had enough. dont you remember what it felt like to be hungry all the time? stamina and strength, thats what hunger is. take my hand, it'll all be better. dont you want to feel pretty?!
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i'm so proud of you for fighting little one. Satan fights a hard battle but we know who wins in the end :) I pray against all those voices in your head because I know how real they are. When you can't fight anymore, its okay, thats when God gets to show you how mighty He is through you. We are not meant to save ourselves. But I know one thing that i think you know too, MY GOD IS MIGHTY TO SAVE. It is by his grace that you are the woman you are when all the voices in your head tell you different. Listen to his love song, ask Him to sing it loud enough to drown out the rest. I love you always.
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