This is what comes out from time to time.

I confess in my soul that I want to be free,
but a new day comes and I still starve and shake.
I hurt myself-
who is tortured, truly tortured
and broken and bruised.
Oh God, in my weakness you use me
God, I am used.
Even though I can't see it, I want to be it.
It-
the one who stands proudly claiming I have recovered,
who's name is no longer one of a sinner.
Call me home,
take me Lord
to a place with no pain,
where there is laughter and sunshine and inside,
I am not ashamed
of confessing that I'm living a lie
that I am running to breathe.

Give me clean air,
give me clean love.
Give me a place where I feel safe.
Give me sweet, sweet indulgence that doesn't come with a price.
The price of self-torture, I confess, is a deathly vice.
God, let me sit near Your throne.
Please let me kneel near Your throne.

and love me, love me wholly and unconditionally though I'm broken and lost.
Lord, your glory was proven when you paid all costs
to the darkness we live in, to the evil we surround ourselves with.
You hurt for me,
You suffered for me,
You took every beating,
bloody crowning,
bloody torture for me.
But I was not yet alive, I was merely an idea.
You had me planned
had me pinned
even when you hung on a cross.
You knew one day I'd sit here,
in this dim cafe,
broken and lost.

So I thank you today,
I thank you tomorrow
because thank you is all i can give.
Thank you is all I have left in me to give.
To thank you is to live
and to live is to love to be satisfied in life
Your truth is my choice.
God, Your truth is my choice
I want to walk in redemption and beauty and grace
To find myself adrift in Your sea of love.
Your sea above that calls me home,
it calls me to Your throne.

Surely, surely, I see Your throne.
To touch it-to be blessed
To sit with you-beyond that
To die a righteous woman, a godly woman, a loving woman
so lovely and divine, full of wisdom and truly in line
with the power of the work of You- even farther beyond that.

and love, it makes no sense.
only that its there.
more than the yellow birds or the spring trees
and the cold, winter air.
God, I breathe.
God, I live.
God, I dare to feel Your love,
to hear Your love, to see, taste, and smell Your sweet love.
Surround me with freedom and pass me onto a place
where slavery is a figment of the past.
where bondage is fiction
and
addiction
is
dead.

I confess in my soul that addiction lives.
addiction runs wild, ridiculously wild
and rampant in this god forsaken land.
whether you're addicted to drugs
or pain
or feeling alone;
then, truly, i say to you:

please come home.