What I've Gained Because of My Eating Disorder

an ignited heart for the lost
Jesus Christ
power
strength beyond comprehension
endurance
a love of flavor
friends
the ability to maintain boundaries
counseling
arms for the broken
faith
trust that was lost
relationships that matter
recovery
a body that is able
enjoyment in life
concentration
purpose
direction
myself again

recovery is possible.
i've gained back the whole world through my divorce from ED.
life is so worth the fight.
keep fighting, ED warriors

i love you.
-ED fighter support

why MY heart?!

Goodness. I have been feeling an immense amount of heartache and burdens beyond comprehension.
I found myself yelling at God, asking Him, "WHY MY HEART!? WHY DID YOU GIVE ME THIS HEART?!"
allow me to explain.
as you might have guessed through reading my blogs, I have a gigantic, enormous, humongous! heart for the broken and lost. I physically feel heart ache when I think, pray, talk, sing...etc...about it. so, friends of the internet, i was asking God why He gave me such a burdened heart. sometimes, its seemingly unbearable. it hurts so much that i dont think i can move. and whats even worse is finding people who feel the same way seems nearly impossible. who has a heart for the broken and lost? i most certainly do and i really need support. friends, i need your support. can we please be broken together? i need a close group of people that feel the same way as i do to only, simply, dedicate their hearts to nothing else but saving the lost and mending the broken through the One who can and will do just that.
friends, i am heart broken as i write this.
do me a favor.
please, if you have a heart that is broken just like this, please, send me a message, comment, text, call, email...telling me so.
sometimes, the enemy likes to feed lies into my brain saying that im the only one that feels this way. i know im not alone. help me to know that, friends. plase, just do this for me.
only message me if you mean it. let me know that you're on my side of this. i need your support.
this is incredibly serious.
lauren

Is it too much to ask? I just want to save lives!!

Lately, I've been so extremely frustrated. Why are we sitting around talking about which boy is cute, what class to take, when to go to the beach, and even why we are going to work? There are people that are suffering! Girls are being sold into brothels by their own parents because they can't afford to take care of them. Can you imagine what these girls are going through? Their poor, young minds must be so extremely traumatized from what they've been through. These arent just stories you hear to make you feel bad and donate money! These are LIVES! Think about someone you know. What if they were sold off into something so terrible and you never saw them again?! And even worse, imagine someone looking through a window at your best friend who has been labeled as a number, not a name, and that person looking through the window calls out your best friend's number. Your best friend has to do whatever that person says or they will get the worst beating of their life. So its either lay down all dignity and obey someone's selfish desires, or excruciating pain awaits. How will they ever know what love is if this is all they have seen? My heart is broken for them! This is such a REALITY. This isnt something that you only hear about! Its REAL! There are incidences of human trafficking even in the land of the "free", the home of the brave. America is guilty of all of this as well. Look it up and let your heart be broken. For with brokenness comes strength. And with strength, we can stop this! How can we sit back and do nothing? How can we let this go on? I feel so much pain thinking about this, let alone let it all spew out on my blog. I cannot stress to you enough how much this hurts me. My heart is so tender for the broken...thats the only way i can explain it to you. We have to do something. Its our job. This is my destiny. Please, I beg you, dont let this pass through your heart. Keep it there, let it stir and boil. And let your heart dwell on it. Pray about it. Lets do something. Lets save lives.

Purple Plants and Modern Dance

Well, hello, internet world, we meet again.

The other night, God gave me this beautiful vision. It started out as a 2-D green plant. Something a kid would draw...

maybe something like this, but without the pot:

there was a brown background. then the plant began to grow. and as it grew, it turned purple and became more 3-D. then it shrank back down and was the same, baby, green, 2-D plant as it was before. and once again it grew, this time bigger. it became more 3-D than before, and more purple than before...then it shrank down again and started all over again. it kept doing this for a long time. i had the sense that there were more plants growing all around this one, but i couldnt see them. for some reason, i knew that they were all growing and shrinking at different rates and different colors. i asked God if there were any that were growing with me, He said, "of course, but you cant see it yet." so i asked, well, will i see it soon? and He said, "soon enough". i think this vision's interpretation has something to do with relationships. i am pretty much always thinking about my future husband :]] and im pretty sure that God was saying, "I will continue to make you grow, then cut you back so you can grow further. There is someone growing with you, but you cant know it yet. You cant see him grow with you until my timing is right." Isnt that pretty sweet? i thought it was. i cant wait for the day...

also. modern dance, as im sure you're wondering "why in the world is ms. mosher's title about plants and modern dance??!!" well, friends of the cyberspace. i had modern dance today, and i do believe i am progressing, however! i pulled my hamstring today, and its extremely painful. so if you could keep me in your prayers, i would appreciate it very much so. i start dance rehearsals for a show im in this week, and i would love to learn the material without a hurt hamstring. thanks!

ms. mosher.

Direction and Purpose

God has really driven my thoughts recently, even as I write this. There is such a transformation going on inside of me right now, its unbelievable...or maybe its believable.
maybe i'll present a list of some sort to show you, internet people.
-"Lauren, my daughter, find peace and rest." I've been asking for healing for a long time, why should i be surprised that He has given it to me? A lot of times i find myself sitting, laying, standing, walking, frolicking...etc...in anxiety. I worry about the weirdest things; some large, some miniscule. But God catches me every time and says that first quote. "Lauren, my daughter, find peace and rest." It really keeps me in check. Why am I freaking out? Is this really that important that I need to interrupt my day to worry about? I will always find my peace and rest in Him. Its so incredibly important to be able to relax and stop worrying. His word says so much on that. One for example is Philippians 4:6 (which I have painted on my wall...can you tell i worry way too much?) it says, "do not be anxious for anything, but with everything, through prayer and petition, present your requests to God." just think about that for a little bit.
-"Lauren, precious little Lauren, you're going to go through something extremely hard this summer, but Im going to catch you. And this will make you so strong in me, you will do amazing things because of this." and yes, i went through something extremey hard. it was so incredibly hard i didnt think i could make it through. i yelled at God and fought Him. I was so mad that He would let me go through it. But would I undo it? NO WAY! I have never felt so close to God in my life. So much has happened that I feel like I am always talking to Him, checking things out with Him, and just walking with Him. Its an amazing feeling and I love life now.
-"Lauren, beautiful daughter of mine, I want you to be a leader of young girls." My first thought was "uh. im not a leader. i pretty much suck at leading people, i get overwhelmed, i get nervous, i get self conscious, excuse 1, 2, 3, 4, 5..." and He kept saying "Dont tell me what you are not. I made you, I know what you are." WOW! what an awesome thought! when God tells me to do something, He knows I can do it, He made me! You might be thinking, well duh! but again, some things I can be told over and over and over again, but its moments like these that actually get somewhere in my brain. Oh, so I am leading a young girl's group on monday nights 6-8 in yucaipa, ca if anyone that reads this is in jr. high or high school and is interested. contact me.
-Perhaps one of the biggest things God has shown me is this. My friend was praying for me and she felt like she had to tell me the name "Thomas". So she did. I felt like I had to read the story of Thomas from one of the gospels, so I went searching through for anything about Thomas that might speak to me. I came to John...or was it Luke? I think it was Luke. anyways. Its after the resurrection. Jesus appears to eleven of the disciples...Thomas isnt there. The disciples later tell Thomas that they spoke with Jesus. He doesnt believe them and says that He will only believe that Jesus has risen from the dead if he himself puts His fingers where the nails were. So Jesus appears to Thomas and says "Stop doubting and believe." My heart sunk. Such conviction. God was telling me to stop doubting that He would be my everything. He wanted/wants me to believe with all I am that He will be my everything. Its hard. But its so possible. God is my everything. He is always with me. He gives me everything.

and recently, i have such a purpose in life, it amazes me. i am in awe of Him once again. and im excited to see what happens next. i cant wait!!

What I've Lost To My Eating Disorder

the ability to see myself without any distortions
full health
self respect
relationships
privacy
love for myself
time
childhood
memories
opportunities
social interaction
social skills
hair
strength
endurance
desires
the will to keep moving
family
my voice and the ability to voice my opinions

basically, i lost my life.
and for what?
for pain, for "beauty", for myself, for a diet.
its not worth it. i was so alone until i found help.
if you need help, get it. NOW.
once you have listened to ana or mia or both, you've already begun to lose everything. you only keep losing more and more.

Recently,

I've been learning a lot about myself and my future.


and one thing I learned is that God gives me songs to write.
this one is a love song.

now, my dear.
He has told me to wait for you.
and I will wait to find your hand and become one.

for i know that my King is doing a mighty work inside your soul
as i sing, during these long years.

now, my love.
i have to imagine the day that we are seen as one.
and you will be more than I can ever imagine.

for i know that my King is molding your heart to hold mine;
as i wait, and wonder where you are.

and now, lover of my life.
i wont try to force my way into your life
because i know to run there, would spoil the big surprise.

its hard enough wondering who you will be.
its long enough waiting for you to find me.
but its worth it my love.
its worth it honey.
we'll love each other until death do we part.

i'll have to wait until love is ready to start.