Back At the Beginning.

Hello lonely internet world.
I feel like I should recap on my life as of the past week or so.
Its been incredibly rough. The question I keep having is "How did I get here so easily?"
Let me explain:
I relapsed. Really badly. I was going on a latte and maybe a piece of toast every day...plus lots and lots of water to stifle the ache in my stomach. Then I would hide out in coffee bean all day doing my homework, run to work, and run to rehearsal. I dont know how much weight I lost, I'm assuming a ridiculous amount. My scale is broken so I was never able to check, which is probably a good thing.
Anyway, the point isnt to tell you all the bad things I have been doing. Its to tell you that its so incredibly easy for me to fall further back into my weaknesses. I have no idea, well almost, where all of this came from. I dont want to see food as an enemy. It would be the best if I never thought about my body or food again. I would love it if when I go to order something at a restraunt, numbers of calories dont come up in my head. I would love it if I could order whatever sounded good without thinking about grease and oil and fat. I would love it if I wasnt haunted by calorie intake.
But the thing is, I am. I am haunted and obsessed with it. I dont know how it came about, I dont know where it developed, but its there. And I have to deal with it. Its the worst and seems impossible sometimes. Like right now, I dont feel like I can handle it...but I dont have a choice.I almost got put back in the hospital last night. At first, it seemed like the scariest idea, but now, it seems like a weird comfort. I know the hospital fixed me...at least a little bit. I know it would again, but would it be a cop out? Its easier to be forced to stop everything. but to do it on my own will, thats true strength.
Thats where im at. Im back at the beginning. A place where I have to focus on getting healthy. I fell back in the hole for a little while and it sucked. It still does, but Im going to try really hard with the help of some really awesome friends. I'll be alright.