I'm mad as hell and I can't take it anymore!

It has been quite some time since I have written on here.

For a few reasons:
I've been working at LiNK (Liberty in North Korea...www.linkglobal.org) and it requires me to be on the computer all day booking screenings for our fall tour.
I've been way too tired to even try to spill out my thoughts.
My mind has been way too jumbled to even figure out what those thoughts are.

But here I am, recovering from the week, ready to write (type) it out.

The past couple of weeks have been ridiculously busy and eye opening. The feeling alone about being with a bunch of people that have nearly the same heart as mine is overwhelming. It's comforting. It feels like home. We all have this enormous passion to save the world, to stand up for someone that cannot stand for themselves. Its incredible what can happen when you put a bunch of people together that have the same boil in their blood. Its impressive really--the amount of passion, dedication, talent, intelligence (whatever you want to call it) that you can cram into an office.
But...
There's one thing I've definitely learned:
You cannot have a group of passionate people unless you know their passion. That may sound obvious, but hear me out.
A guy from Falling Whistles (fallingwhistles.com check it out--incredible story) came to the office to talk to us about standing up for social justice in the world. I have never felt so on fire and so empowered than when he came to talk to us. He said that liberty is united. Being united in our passion and being united in what makes us want to scream is the most powerful thing we can do. But if we don't know if the person next to us feels the same, how can we stand confidently in what we believe?
He challenged us to speak up.
Huddled around a laptop, we watched a clip where one man gets on a broadcast and gets ridiculously angry. He yells and screams at the camera because he believes in something and is tired of complacency. He is tired of not doing anything about it. He yells at the people watching him all across the nation and challenges them--orders them--to go to their window, put their head out and yell:

"I'M MAD AS HELL AND I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE"

And you know what? It worked. People put their heads out of their windows and were united in the streets. Everyone was livid. They were sick of what was going on and they weren't going to stand for it anymore. It gave me chills to hear every alley or street filled with angry voices. Angry voices united in passion and frustration.
Of course, its just a film clip and Hollywood probably took control...but seriously, how many of you would stand up for something if you knew there were more people standing with you? Its a fact: we're more likely to do something in a group. But there will be no group if there isn't an individual.
It takes guts. It takes one voice.

I challenge you to be a voice. You've been given the opportunity. Just go for it. Be mad as hell! Let your emotions run loose because you have the chance.

BECAUSE YOU CAN.

There is something...

Something that makes me tick when I listen/watch/sing something from a band I love. I can't ignore it.
There is something itching in me to be doing exactly what they're doing. Its desire. Its passion. Its such a deep, deep dwelling feeling that makes me scream. I want to be up there on the stage singing my heart out to people I have never met. I want to be in a parking lot after, sitting with people I just barely met, singing new tunes I created an hour before.
I sit in my office watching jon foreman, leeland mooring, brooke fraser, regina spektor--anyone--playing their hearts out and I am compelled. I feel so much. I want so much. I cry because of it.
I have the drive.
Do I have what it takes?
There is so much that I want to say.

I feel safe inside the music.
I feel safe exposed on a stage where I spill my secrets to strangers who think its only a metaphor...little do they know...its truth.
My truth.
Here come the tears now. I need this. I need to live inside the music.
Its my world. My passion. My feeling.
I feel in music. I breathe in music. I think in music. I see in music.

No, seriously, when I think about something...it becomes a lyric, it becomes a picture that I'll later create in notes, rythm, sound.

Maybe I'm not the greatest writer, maybe my piano skills arent where they should be.
I have the passion. I have the voice.
God is growing me as a musician. He's forcing me to use my voice.
And I could never be more grateful.

Finger Painting-Life Analysis...?

I once finger painted a picture of a tree.

I started with my hand prints. Right next to each other, reaching to the sky--or corner of the paper. I painted the sky red and black as a symbol of all the hurt I want to change. It took on the shape of a face, distorted and tortured. It cried from the pain and darkness that haunted it. I painted a crooked boundary between my hands and the red sky with a deep maroon paint. At first I wasn't sure why I did that. I wanted to erase it, but finger paint doesn't exactly "erase". I realized that I felt like there was something holding me back from the people I wanted to reach.

But what?

My tree became green, gold, and brown. The gold shot out of the hand leaves--a glow that I pictured I had. I knew it was because God is in me. He provides the power, the glow, that gives me the confidence to move. My tree trunk was pretty much normal except for the red line dripping down it. When I painted it, I thought I've been there before. Because I've seen the red, been the face in the tortured sky, I'm able to grow into a radiating tree. A tree--a person--that shines gold, shines Christ.

But if I have the power of Christ in me, why the crooked boundary?

The only thing I can come up with is fear. Fear is a monstrous beast that holds us back from doing our greatest work. I'm afraid of my past, afraid of entering the red sky and opening up old territory. My greatest challenge is breaking that boundary. Breaking through the fear that holds me back from the broken sky--the broken people. But with the power of God, the shine of gold, I can accomplish anything. Because I have Christ living in me, I can demolish that boundary, annihilate the the crooked line closing me in.

1:00 AM...ideal for song writing

an empty room is the best place to see you
its just you and i, the walls, our voices lifting
an empty lot is the best place to meet you
without direction, we're our finest matches

this little voice has learned her place in life
little voice come out and love up the sunshine

maybe we'll walk, maybe we'll run
maybe we'll fly
maybe we'll shatter down the walls and burn these bridges

though im packing up my clothes to try and change the world
i'm coming back to find the walls, our voices lifting
though im leaving for the tallest tower
im coming back to see you growing and living easy

this little heart has grown to love all of you more
little heart come out and love up the sunshine

maybe we'll walk, maybe we'll run
maybe we'll fly
maybe we'll shatter down the walls and burn these bridges

A New Song

i have a really neat friend.
ive been meaning to write her a song.

12 hours ago, i was a girl
in my own world
i saw things
that weren't what i thought
like lollipops
that turn your mouth blue
and stick to you

when the world turns blue
and when all else fails

when i was a young child,
i was tied to a leash
for twelve years
i would walk around the park
with my backpack
the most popular kind
to practice school
in the middle of july
though it didn't start til fall

when the world turns blue
and when all else fails

sing freedom
in an obscure tone
laughing at emotions
when the life talks come out
and when all else fails

its going to be okay
just do a funny dance
its going to be okay
just save up money to fly
its going to be okay
just do a funny dance
lets save the world

A fresh set of thoughts

Last night was a tough one to get through.
Church this morning revived me.
While I was sitting through an attack believing that I had to be there, I was believing a huge lie.

The pastor this morning was telling us how one morning at church, he believed that he would never be able to give up lying. He would never be able to give up his core sin. He believed it when the very message he was listening to was about believing that God is bigger than his core sin. I began to think what is my core sin? I feel like I have so many of them.

selfishness
depression
lying

How can I be freed from any of those when they are literally consuming me? I have to believe that I don't have to sit in the depression. I have to believe that there is a time when it will be gone.
There was a time when I felt free from it. I did so much that I never thought I could.

I dont want your encouraging words right now.
I'm sorry, but it makes it worse.
I've heard them all and they will still continue to sound the same so don't try to relate. Don't console me.
I have to come to it myself.


Still there's something else telling me that its worth it.
The strengths, struggles, and sins that I have right now are going to be something beautiful. Its because I have this craziness that I want to save the world. It isn't about me anyway. Its about people that are dying because of injustice in the world. Its because there are people suffering at the hand of a political leader. Its because children are being used, abused, threatened, and killed. I am NOT okay with that. I will lay all of my selfishness--my core sin--aside because I have a heart for the bleeding. I have to go for this.

Maybe instead of coming back completely broken, I'll come back completely healed.

Of course, if its the former, with brokenness comes strength and with strength, we can move the world.

We're changing lives. Breaking down walls. Healing the world.
Activism at its prime ladies and gentlemen.

A fresh set of tears.

Have you ever just felt broken?
Have you ever found yourself sitting and just wanting to cry?
Have you ever wanted to weep and crack in two?
Have you ever felt trapped and abused?

I believe this calls for a fresh set of tears.

I can't help but picture myself imprisoned in this hollow trap of depression and darkness.
I don't say this to gain sympathy or attention; it is merely a fact. I feel like the victim. I don't control this, I promise you that. I would much rather be running around, creating havoc upon the town tonight instead of sitting at home crying because I feel the weight of the world on my shoulders. I would much rather be outside falling in love, watching a star, crying "celebration", or singing a lullaby than lay on the floor wondering how in the world I am going to face sixteen kids tomorrow pleading for my attention and happiness.

Just let it go...
But it isn't mine to let go.
It isn't my decision.
I have let it go--it grabs me, thrashes at me, claws at my very existence.

And what do I have but faith?
I have nothing but faith that it will pass.
It is the time that I have to endure it that hurts me the most.
You see, I know it will pass, but until then, I have to sit through it.

...and its the sitting that gets me

I was born to run.