Crying Is Okay Here.

What is your opinion of happy tears?

Step One: Open My Eyes.

There is a cycle. I don't know if it's literally visible, but I am beginning to think that maybe it has begun to reveal itself to me.

Step 1: Open my eyes.
I begin. I walk. I move. There really is no significance here, it just is. It starts out. Nothing is of any importance yet. No, no; it isn't depressing or dark. It simply is not significant.

Step 2: Look around.
There is hurt. There is pain. I feel it and I feel my mistakes although they haven't been made yet. I know they are coming. Maybe it's looking inside myself...? I see the real treachery I have hidden inside my mind.

Step 3: Act.
Lies consume me. Lies scream at me. It is here that I fall and feel impulse (spontaneity) pull me under. I act. I bruise.

Step 4: Feel the desperation.
It is the breakdown. It's the hardest part and yet the most revealing part. Some call it the bottom of the pit. You've hit rock bottom. The only way to move is up. Dear people, I cannot fly...how, then, can I move "up"? This is darkness. This is hopelessness. This is where I am on my knees, crying, pleading for a light.

Step 5: Magic appears.
There is a light. Unmistakably, there is a beautiful light. It doesn't need to make sense how it appeared. It doesn't need to make sense how it will help. All I know is that in the darkness, all I needed was a light. In the darkness, it would heal my fading life if I could somehow see the walls. The light, the hope, fills me and lifts me from the pit, the cell, the chains...whatever I choose to label it.

Step 6: Run.
Here I run. Here I stand and lift others up. Here I throw my light into the air. Here I find freedom and with that I find hope. With hope, I feel elated and powerful. The world is at my fingertips and anything, anything is possible. I want to stay here. I want to live here and request residency. I want to continue to run, to be in the race always. I want to stand knowing that there never has to be a step one. It is always step six.

But because life is constantly moving and I am constantly growing, it is apparent that there will always be some form (whether good or bad, constructive or destructive) of--

Step 1: Open my eyes.

check it.

my heart is happy.

and content.







and.
well. you know.
sticky sweet.

im still a little scared.

Suddenly..

nothing seems impossible.

and

everything is quite achievable.

It's early morning.

I am angry.

I am frustrated.
I am effing livid.

for so many reasons.

i am selfish. tired. sick of the noises coming from my fan. sick of myself. sick of not understanding myself. sick of falling into the same trap inside my head.
straight up sick.

i fumble a pill between my fingers...
and i hurt. because of all of the desires i have building up inside me.

i want to change the world. to stand up for myself. for other people. for the children. for the abused. to say that i genuinely care. to rock and to shake the comfort. to live further than the words. to say that i am a part of something better.

but here i am.
angry.

and yanni uses way too much synthesizer in his music.

keep it clean.

life is beautiful when you clean it up.

Give me the love.

I choose love. I choose life. I choose you.

its early morning and there's something i can't shake. its a little hard to see the light.

In this past week or so, I have felt incredibly content. Even though my jeans feel tighter and I can't see my collar bone as clearly, I feel content. It is a weird feeling...but a nice one at that. I don't know why.

and i get lost with every wrong step that i take. its a little hard to gun this fight.

I found something to focus on. All this beauty has grabbed me in the most intense, most gripping, most death defying way. Every morning is a new day. A new chance. Every morning I choose life. Therapy has been wrong all along. This is a choice.

take time to understand that i don't do this often

I have been taking chances, second glances, at the wonder I used to skip out on. And while skipping out is gloriously freeing; in the end, it cripples me. It cuts me out of life. It trips me and holds me on the floor. I'll take my time to enjoy the scenery.

take time to watch me stand.

i've got a few more chances to find this ground beneath me and i can feel it

I don't have to identify myself any way. I can choose to simply live and be and enjoy and love. Its my own version of therapy. Giving it up and letting something better take over. Its something that rehabilitation will never satisfy. Its this desire. Its this plan. Oh, Love, you'll never fail me now.

i wake up and i dont think that my road is far away

I faintly see something incredible coming, but I clearly see something incredible right next to me. And it is freeing. It is beyond my explanation. I choose life. I choose love. I choose you.

i wake up and i can see that freedom is not my stowaway