I have so much that I want to say.
What has been going on in my life recently?
Well.
I've been realizing exactly what I want to do. You might be thinking, Lauren, you say this every time you write on this thing...if anyone actually reads these. Maybe you read them if theyre short. I'll try to make this one kind of short so that you'll read it.
I was telling my friend last night that when I watch someone play or hear someone play, I can't help but want it. I'm in school for psychology and everything because I have this enormous passion for helping people...so that makes sense, no? But when it comes to writing and playing music, its so much more than that. Maybe thats why when I hear someone talking about me becoming a therapist and finishing school, I cringe a little bit. Thats not what I really want. On the surface, yes, thats exactly what my realistic mind says Im going to do. But why should I settle for the surface? Why shouldnt I go straight for whats deep and settled in my heart? Why should I settle for realistic? Is this world realistic and what exactly is realistic? Its a foreign word. I wont settle. Im just stuck in this falsehood called education. Its not what Im going to be living out. Im sorry, if that disappoints you, parents, but this is my passion. My reality. There's something that takes control of me when music is incvolved and I cant deny that feeling. Its more than a feeling really, its...there are no words that can explain. Thats the best I can do.
Here I come.
Sunday, January 11, 2009
Monday, January 5, 2009
I Want You to Be Disgusted
In order to prepare myself for presenting my proposal for the to the church on Thursday for the benefit concert, I read up more about sex slavery. This article (http://www.nytimes.com/2009/01/01/opinion/01kristof.html?_r=2) was emailed to me from Call and Response, a film about human trafficking. Most of the articles I read are disgusting and inspiring at the same time, but this...I wasnt prepared for.
The reporter begins by telling a bit of background about red light districts and the people that "work" there. He says that most of the men visiting them expect the smiling girls urging them in to be volunteers. While that may be slightly true, most of them are drugged and beaten and forced to work there. Yes, we know this. I have read countless stories (and posted about them) about being forced to live and work in a brothel. But none of the stories I read went so far as to go inside the brothel. Maybe I have tapped into exactly why they havent.
One girl, Sina Vann, tells this reporter in detail just what happens.
First she goes through how she got there which was typical; being drugged and beaten and raped for a dollar amount. She said she "was beaten ferociously to force her to smile and act seductive."
Sina said that she would be taken down to a torture chameber if she didn't perform what was expected of her. She couldn't move at times because of the pain that was inflicted upon her. I dont know about you, but when I hear torture chamber, I think movies, TV, Hollywood, novels...etc. The whole nine yards really. Maybe the bed of nails in the corner, the thing that stretches the bodies out, the ropes, the chains--everything. Well, after reading this, I began to think that maybe Hollywood isnt far off.
The reporter wrote this about the torture chamber:
The reporter begins by telling a bit of background about red light districts and the people that "work" there. He says that most of the men visiting them expect the smiling girls urging them in to be volunteers. While that may be slightly true, most of them are drugged and beaten and forced to work there. Yes, we know this. I have read countless stories (and posted about them) about being forced to live and work in a brothel. But none of the stories I read went so far as to go inside the brothel. Maybe I have tapped into exactly why they havent.
One girl, Sina Vann, tells this reporter in detail just what happens.
First she goes through how she got there which was typical; being drugged and beaten and raped for a dollar amount. She said she "was beaten ferociously to force her to smile and act seductive."
"'My first phrase in Khmer,' the Cambodian language, 'was, ‘I want to sleep with
you,’ ' she said. 'My first phrase in English was' — well, it’s
unprintable"
Sina said that she would be taken down to a torture chameber if she didn't perform what was expected of her. She couldn't move at times because of the pain that was inflicted upon her. I dont know about you, but when I hear torture chamber, I think movies, TV, Hollywood, novels...etc. The whole nine yards really. Maybe the bed of nails in the corner, the thing that stretches the bodies out, the ropes, the chains--everything. Well, after reading this, I began to think that maybe Hollywood isnt far off.
The reporter wrote this about the torture chamber:
"As in many brothels, the torture of choice was electric shocks. Sina would be
tied down, doused in water and then prodded with wires running
from the 220-volt wall outlet. The jolt causes intense pain, sometimes
evacuation of the bladder and bowel — and even unconsciousness. "
As if this wasn't bad enough, it was then stated that most of the brothels used this shock tactic because it didnt scar the young prostitutes' beauty. Most of them would be put back to work soon after being tortured. While shock treatment is the most common form of torture, Sina said she would be stripped down and placed in a coffin full of biting ants after she had already been through the shocks. The coffin was dark and suffocating and would not allow for her to move her hands up to her face to brush the ants off. The only thing that kept them out of her eyes was her tears. Sometimes she would be kept in the coffin for a day or more.
Sina was rescued during a police raid set up by a former sex slave. Now, she helps to rescue girls, and her own daughter, from brothels. To show the reporter what she went through and what she faces, Sina took him to the red light district in Cambodia where a few brothels had been torn down, most of which had torture chambers underneath. Upon stepping foot in what had once attempted to take her life, she twinged and said, "'There must be many girls who died in those rooms.' She grew distressed and added: 'I’m cold and afraid. Tonight I won’t sleep.'”
Although its disgusting and stirs hearts, there is hope. For example, the organization Im working with...called Love146...is working towards the abolition of this torture. Be aware of it. I want you to be disgusted. What do we talk about when Monday comes around? Most likely the things that disturbed us about the weekend, the things that bothered us. So talk about Sina. Talk about her torture chamber. Be afraid. Anything that will stir you to do something...even if its just to tell your best friend. Thats enough. Plant a seed.
Ask me questions,
Lauren
Highland/Redlands Love146 Task Force
Sunday, January 4, 2009
all who are thirsty
today at church i realized something that i had forgotten.
a while ago, i was struggling with the idea of healing. some of my friends were involved in sort of a healing revolution i guess we can call it. their whole philosophy was that God wants to heal everyone and will if we have the faith. they questioned, "if He loves His children, why would He let them suffer? of course He wants to heal all of us...and He will!" they figured that everything...i mean everything from cancer to a small splinter could be healed in a matter of seconds. yes! i agree! and i've witnessed such things! such as my friend's voice coming back after we prayed for it. He doesn't want to see us hurting. He doesn't like to see His children in pain. He hates it in fact! But here is where the struggle began:
My eating disorder. At this point you're probably thinking "duh, does she ever talk about anything else?" which furthers my point! The very thing that i thought was destroying me actually brought me closer to my Savior. if i didnt have anything to be saved from, would i need a savior? because i had this incredible demon fighting me, i had to call on someone who could fight it for me. i couldnt fight it myself. so does God really want to rid of something that brought me to Him?
let me explain further.
if i didnt have an eating disorder trying to take a ride along in my life, would i need God to lead me along? would i need Him to fight anything? no, i wouldnt have a battle to fight. so why would He take it away?
Rod Collins put it well. "You talk to me when you have to fight this thing. You talk to me when you struggle. Why would I take something away that causes you to talk to Me?" He was speaking from what he thought God might say. I agree!
Lets get Biblical.
When the Israelites complained about...well, everything...God sent viscious vipers! They cried out and asked Him to take them away. But God said no! He knew exactly what I've had a revelation about. He knew that if He took them away, the Israelites wouldn't have anything to cry out to Him about. God might not hear from His creation like He wanted. The same is true for me and my eating disorder.
Would God love to take my eating disorder away? YES! He would more than love to take it away, but doing so would cause me to be farther away from Him which would end up terribly, trust me.
Instead of having this 'poor me...ive got so many problems...' outlook, im going to try on a new one. 'God saves me from this demon attached to me and kicks his butt because He loves me'. How about that one on for size?
God wants to heal you, but He knows more than we do. He knows out future. He knows what would happen if He took it away. I guess the ultimate lesson is one in trust. We have to trust that He knows what He is doing. And He does. I promise! He knows exactly what He is doing. All we can do is keep loving and talking to Him.
a while ago, i was struggling with the idea of healing. some of my friends were involved in sort of a healing revolution i guess we can call it. their whole philosophy was that God wants to heal everyone and will if we have the faith. they questioned, "if He loves His children, why would He let them suffer? of course He wants to heal all of us...and He will!" they figured that everything...i mean everything from cancer to a small splinter could be healed in a matter of seconds. yes! i agree! and i've witnessed such things! such as my friend's voice coming back after we prayed for it. He doesn't want to see us hurting. He doesn't like to see His children in pain. He hates it in fact! But here is where the struggle began:
My eating disorder. At this point you're probably thinking "duh, does she ever talk about anything else?" which furthers my point! The very thing that i thought was destroying me actually brought me closer to my Savior. if i didnt have anything to be saved from, would i need a savior? because i had this incredible demon fighting me, i had to call on someone who could fight it for me. i couldnt fight it myself. so does God really want to rid of something that brought me to Him?
let me explain further.
if i didnt have an eating disorder trying to take a ride along in my life, would i need God to lead me along? would i need Him to fight anything? no, i wouldnt have a battle to fight. so why would He take it away?
Rod Collins put it well. "You talk to me when you have to fight this thing. You talk to me when you struggle. Why would I take something away that causes you to talk to Me?" He was speaking from what he thought God might say. I agree!
Lets get Biblical.
When the Israelites complained about...well, everything...God sent viscious vipers! They cried out and asked Him to take them away. But God said no! He knew exactly what I've had a revelation about. He knew that if He took them away, the Israelites wouldn't have anything to cry out to Him about. God might not hear from His creation like He wanted. The same is true for me and my eating disorder.
Would God love to take my eating disorder away? YES! He would more than love to take it away, but doing so would cause me to be farther away from Him which would end up terribly, trust me.
Instead of having this 'poor me...ive got so many problems...' outlook, im going to try on a new one. 'God saves me from this demon attached to me and kicks his butt because He loves me'. How about that one on for size?
God wants to heal you, but He knows more than we do. He knows out future. He knows what would happen if He took it away. I guess the ultimate lesson is one in trust. We have to trust that He knows what He is doing. And He does. I promise! He knows exactly what He is doing. All we can do is keep loving and talking to Him.
Saturday, January 3, 2009
without a savior, i cant be saved.
hi there.
i havent been writing as much as i would like to, but, friends of the internet blogging community, im broken and i think i need to write about it.
a very close friend of mine told me that she saw a mask on me. she thought that i was hiding something. like i put on a mask of apathy.
apathy: absence or suppression of passion, emotion, or excitement
she saw a mask of my suppressed passion. its true and it stabbed me how spot on she was.
my therapist always asks me "whats going on for you right now?" i find myself asking that very question all the time. "what is going on for me right now?" so when i heard/read that she saw through my mask, i asked it. and the answer?
ouch. a lot is going on for me right now. im lost. broken. confused. annoyed. frustrated. fake.
i dont know what im doing. i feel like im just waiting again. im just waiting for something to happen instead of making it happen. but then again, i dont know what "it" is. i have no idea. but i know that i want "it".
where did that burning passion go for the lost and broken? why cant i see the fire in my own eyes anymore? my songs turned sad instead of presenting a battle. my thoughts turned inward instead of on the ones who need me. where am i?
i used to be on fire for living. i used to walk with a purpose and used to abandon responsibility for a calling. but now, i wander. i dont know what to do with myself.
but it doesnt feel wrong. i dont feel depressed like i used to. i know that there are people ready to shower me with encouragement. i know they love me. so this is different. this is harder.
ive lied to my therapist saying that i dont have anything to talk about. i didnt lie because i didnt want to talk about it, but because i dont know what there is to talk about. i dont know what is going on for me. i really dont know.
while we were in EMDR, i saw this picture:
i had just beaten up my ED. he laid on the floor, unconscious. and i looked out the window. on my lawn there was a huge crowd of people. they looked up at my bedroom window. they just waited. in my mind, i had the words "fight for them now", running through my head. i knew that it was time to fight for them. i had to help them in their battles since they had no way of finding light like i did. and as i was staring out at them, attempting to stir hope into their lives, ED jumped up and grabbed onto me. i had to fight him again until he laid on my bedroom floor, unconscious.
it was here that i realized sometimes i have to fight my battle. its important to remember that i still have to fight. i cant save the world without being saved.
i havent been writing as much as i would like to, but, friends of the internet blogging community, im broken and i think i need to write about it.
a very close friend of mine told me that she saw a mask on me. she thought that i was hiding something. like i put on a mask of apathy.
apathy: absence or suppression of passion, emotion, or excitement
she saw a mask of my suppressed passion. its true and it stabbed me how spot on she was.
my therapist always asks me "whats going on for you right now?" i find myself asking that very question all the time. "what is going on for me right now?" so when i heard/read that she saw through my mask, i asked it. and the answer?
ouch. a lot is going on for me right now. im lost. broken. confused. annoyed. frustrated. fake.
i dont know what im doing. i feel like im just waiting again. im just waiting for something to happen instead of making it happen. but then again, i dont know what "it" is. i have no idea. but i know that i want "it".
where did that burning passion go for the lost and broken? why cant i see the fire in my own eyes anymore? my songs turned sad instead of presenting a battle. my thoughts turned inward instead of on the ones who need me. where am i?
i used to be on fire for living. i used to walk with a purpose and used to abandon responsibility for a calling. but now, i wander. i dont know what to do with myself.
but it doesnt feel wrong. i dont feel depressed like i used to. i know that there are people ready to shower me with encouragement. i know they love me. so this is different. this is harder.
ive lied to my therapist saying that i dont have anything to talk about. i didnt lie because i didnt want to talk about it, but because i dont know what there is to talk about. i dont know what is going on for me. i really dont know.
while we were in EMDR, i saw this picture:
i had just beaten up my ED. he laid on the floor, unconscious. and i looked out the window. on my lawn there was a huge crowd of people. they looked up at my bedroom window. they just waited. in my mind, i had the words "fight for them now", running through my head. i knew that it was time to fight for them. i had to help them in their battles since they had no way of finding light like i did. and as i was staring out at them, attempting to stir hope into their lives, ED jumped up and grabbed onto me. i had to fight him again until he laid on my bedroom floor, unconscious.
it was here that i realized sometimes i have to fight my battle. its important to remember that i still have to fight. i cant save the world without being saved.
Monday, December 15, 2008
last conversation
new song. i think. its in the works.
when i saw you in the concert hall, my heart skipped a beat.
what was a bitter smile now looks familiar.
when i saw you in the concert hall, a conversation came up.
what was a settled thought now turns to anxiety.
we cant make this work.
we cant hold on another cold moment.
darling, no more holding on
you know, we cant make this work.
even though it was 45 degrees, you walked me around the block.
and you made a point to stand on the left side.
im sorry it was 45 degrees outside, i didnt know what to do
i tried to be polite and stand on the left side.
we cant make this work.
we cant hold on another cold moment.
darling, no more holding on.
we both know we cant make this work.
but still its nice to see your face
its nice to know that youre alright
im worried that i see your face
and know that you arent alright
i like to hear your voice
id like to see you smile
but here we know that this will never work.
its ten o clock, i should be going.
you should get home, you look so weak.
its ten o clock, we should be going.
please get home, youre looking very weak.
we cant make this work.
we cant hold on another cold moment.
darling, no more holding on.
we both know we cant make this work.
im trying to protect you from everything youre fighting.
why do you think i stood on the left?
thank you for protecting me, i thought i was dying
and now im afraid your place is standing behind.
when i saw you in the concert hall, my heart skipped a beat.
what was a bitter smile now looks familiar.
when i saw you in the concert hall, a conversation came up.
what was a settled thought now turns to anxiety.
we cant make this work.
we cant hold on another cold moment.
darling, no more holding on
you know, we cant make this work.
even though it was 45 degrees, you walked me around the block.
and you made a point to stand on the left side.
im sorry it was 45 degrees outside, i didnt know what to do
i tried to be polite and stand on the left side.
we cant make this work.
we cant hold on another cold moment.
darling, no more holding on.
we both know we cant make this work.
but still its nice to see your face
its nice to know that youre alright
im worried that i see your face
and know that you arent alright
i like to hear your voice
id like to see you smile
but here we know that this will never work.
its ten o clock, i should be going.
you should get home, you look so weak.
its ten o clock, we should be going.
please get home, youre looking very weak.
we cant make this work.
we cant hold on another cold moment.
darling, no more holding on.
we both know we cant make this work.
im trying to protect you from everything youre fighting.
why do you think i stood on the left?
thank you for protecting me, i thought i was dying
and now im afraid your place is standing behind.
Friday, November 21, 2008
Opportunity Come, Opportunity Go...
Well. I had an interesting week.
I auditioned for an agency called AMTC. amtcworld.com go check it out for more details. i really dont feel like/have the time to explain all about it.
and i got accepted which is totally awesome. i was beginning to think that this was my break, my exciting time, and my in to the music industry where i was made for! but then, the $3585 and modeling/acting training threw itself in there and i found myself incredibly disappointed.
you see, about a month ago, i was praying and driving (potentially dangerous, approach with caution) and i asked God, okay yelled at Him, "I dont know what im doing with this music thing anymore! You do it!!" and He said, gently of course, "write me a love song, and it will happen." So i set off down songwriter lane and attempted to write Him a love song. Friends, it was not easy by any means. But, about a week and a half ago, there it was. I named it "Capture". (I'll most likely post the lyrics up soon...) and I felt like I had finally accomplished what He told me to do. So then came this opportunity to sing at AMTC and I immediately chose "Capture" to sing at my audition. It was an incredible feeling, i must say, since my audition was the first time i had revealed it to anyone. So when I got the call that said "we think you're one of the best songwriters AMTC has seen", you can imagine my excitement.
and now, as i sit here typing this, im wondering how all of this measures up. it seems perfect that i should get in with this song exactly a week after i wrote it. it blew my mind at first. but now, seeing that i would have to do all of this extra stuff that i dont want to do, im not so "blown" about it.
friends, the point is, i need to learn to wait. i need to learn that i wont know everything before it happens. i need to learn to be patient. thats such a hard prayer because asking for patience is easy, learning it is incredibly difficult.
sorry to cut this short, but i have class.
more later. :]
later:
maybe this is one of those lessons of being satisifed with where i am at. that thought alone throws my mind into a chaotic spiral down doubtful road. "but this is what i was made for! this is my destiny! this is everything ive been waiting for and whos to say that this 'opportunity' isn't the breaking point?!" im pretty sure that im going to have to wait for some more extended amount of time...as much as that makes me cringe.
i'll have to be content with what i have, what i am, and what im slowly but surely becoming. so while brooke fraser is traveling the world, saving children's emotional stability through her music, im going to have to be okay with driving my nearly broken green volkswagen beetle with no air conditioner, the windows fully down, and jon foreman and i belting out "i dare you to move" on my twenty minute commute to good 'ol riverside. yes, friends, life is still good even when you don't have a record deal.
I auditioned for an agency called AMTC. amtcworld.com go check it out for more details. i really dont feel like/have the time to explain all about it.
and i got accepted which is totally awesome. i was beginning to think that this was my break, my exciting time, and my in to the music industry where i was made for! but then, the $3585 and modeling/acting training threw itself in there and i found myself incredibly disappointed.
you see, about a month ago, i was praying and driving (potentially dangerous, approach with caution) and i asked God, okay yelled at Him, "I dont know what im doing with this music thing anymore! You do it!!" and He said, gently of course, "write me a love song, and it will happen." So i set off down songwriter lane and attempted to write Him a love song. Friends, it was not easy by any means. But, about a week and a half ago, there it was. I named it "Capture". (I'll most likely post the lyrics up soon...) and I felt like I had finally accomplished what He told me to do. So then came this opportunity to sing at AMTC and I immediately chose "Capture" to sing at my audition. It was an incredible feeling, i must say, since my audition was the first time i had revealed it to anyone. So when I got the call that said "we think you're one of the best songwriters AMTC has seen", you can imagine my excitement.
and now, as i sit here typing this, im wondering how all of this measures up. it seems perfect that i should get in with this song exactly a week after i wrote it. it blew my mind at first. but now, seeing that i would have to do all of this extra stuff that i dont want to do, im not so "blown" about it.
friends, the point is, i need to learn to wait. i need to learn that i wont know everything before it happens. i need to learn to be patient. thats such a hard prayer because asking for patience is easy, learning it is incredibly difficult.
sorry to cut this short, but i have class.
more later. :]
later:
maybe this is one of those lessons of being satisifed with where i am at. that thought alone throws my mind into a chaotic spiral down doubtful road. "but this is what i was made for! this is my destiny! this is everything ive been waiting for and whos to say that this 'opportunity' isn't the breaking point?!" im pretty sure that im going to have to wait for some more extended amount of time...as much as that makes me cringe.
i'll have to be content with what i have, what i am, and what im slowly but surely becoming. so while brooke fraser is traveling the world, saving children's emotional stability through her music, im going to have to be okay with driving my nearly broken green volkswagen beetle with no air conditioner, the windows fully down, and jon foreman and i belting out "i dare you to move" on my twenty minute commute to good 'ol riverside. yes, friends, life is still good even when you don't have a record deal.
Saturday, November 8, 2008
Confession of A Recovered Heart
Last night I found myself feeling like I needed to confess everything I've done. I used to be suicidal and majorly depressed and I had given into the world. But, I've never actually told anyone the specifics of what I have done. So here it is, people of the internet. I'm confessing what I've done. Take it how you want to.
I have:
starved myself
worked out for four straight hours and therefore passed out
lied to my therapist when I told her I only did one hundred crunches...it was six hundred.
slapped myself in the face repeatedly
overdosed on excedrin which jumpstarted the addiction to it
abused my left arm with combs, brushes, flashlights anything heavy really...by hitting it until it was numb
picked my scalp until it bled...let it scab up and picked it again
scraped the skin off of my fingers until they bled and then played the piano with them so they would bruise under the skin
taped my wrists to cut off the circulation and burn my skin because the tape was so tight
looked in the mirror and despised myself more than anything i had ever seen.
Lastly, and most terrifyingly, I faced death without God.
Friends, dont face death without Him. Last night, as I was realizing I needed to confess all of this as a part of my healing, I broke down with imediate tears when I thought "I faced death without You." What I thought was the worst thing that could happen to me. What I thought was the worst life possible was about to get worse as I was about to die without my God. I ran away from Him and I almost died. I was hours away from death. And I was not with Him. That terrifies me. I am saved by Him, He loves me more than I hated myself. The song "Amazing Grace" has never rung more true to me. Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound that saved a wretch like me. I once was lost, but now Im found; was blind, but now I see. I can apply that to my life so well and its beautiful. Friends I pray that you wont face death without Him. Please, love Him, let Him save you. Let Him heal you.
Dont face death without Him.
I have:
starved myself
worked out for four straight hours and therefore passed out
lied to my therapist when I told her I only did one hundred crunches...it was six hundred.
slapped myself in the face repeatedly
overdosed on excedrin which jumpstarted the addiction to it
abused my left arm with combs, brushes, flashlights anything heavy really...by hitting it until it was numb
picked my scalp until it bled...let it scab up and picked it again
scraped the skin off of my fingers until they bled and then played the piano with them so they would bruise under the skin
taped my wrists to cut off the circulation and burn my skin because the tape was so tight
looked in the mirror and despised myself more than anything i had ever seen.
Lastly, and most terrifyingly, I faced death without God.
Friends, dont face death without Him. Last night, as I was realizing I needed to confess all of this as a part of my healing, I broke down with imediate tears when I thought "I faced death without You." What I thought was the worst thing that could happen to me. What I thought was the worst life possible was about to get worse as I was about to die without my God. I ran away from Him and I almost died. I was hours away from death. And I was not with Him. That terrifies me. I am saved by Him, He loves me more than I hated myself. The song "Amazing Grace" has never rung more true to me. Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound that saved a wretch like me. I once was lost, but now Im found; was blind, but now I see. I can apply that to my life so well and its beautiful. Friends I pray that you wont face death without Him. Please, love Him, let Him save you. Let Him heal you.
Dont face death without Him.
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