last conversation

new song. i think. its in the works.

when i saw you in the concert hall, my heart skipped a beat.
what was a bitter smile now looks familiar.
when i saw you in the concert hall, a conversation came up.
what was a settled thought now turns to anxiety.

we cant make this work.
we cant hold on another cold moment.
darling, no more holding on
you know, we cant make this work.

even though it was 45 degrees, you walked me around the block.
and you made a point to stand on the left side.
im sorry it was 45 degrees outside, i didnt know what to do
i tried to be polite and stand on the left side.

we cant make this work.
we cant hold on another cold moment.
darling, no more holding on.
we both know we cant make this work.

but still its nice to see your face
its nice to know that youre alright
im worried that i see your face
and know that you arent alright
i like to hear your voice
id like to see you smile
but here we know that this will never work.

its ten o clock, i should be going.
you should get home, you look so weak.
its ten o clock, we should be going.
please get home, youre looking very weak.

we cant make this work.
we cant hold on another cold moment.
darling, no more holding on.
we both know we cant make this work.

im trying to protect you from everything youre fighting.
why do you think i stood on the left?
thank you for protecting me, i thought i was dying
and now im afraid your place is standing behind.

Opportunity Come, Opportunity Go...

Well. I had an interesting week.
I auditioned for an agency called AMTC. amtcworld.com go check it out for more details. i really dont feel like/have the time to explain all about it.
and i got accepted which is totally awesome. i was beginning to think that this was my break, my exciting time, and my in to the music industry where i was made for! but then, the $3585 and modeling/acting training threw itself in there and i found myself incredibly disappointed.
you see, about a month ago, i was praying and driving (potentially dangerous, approach with caution) and i asked God, okay yelled at Him, "I dont know what im doing with this music thing anymore! You do it!!" and He said, gently of course, "write me a love song, and it will happen." So i set off down songwriter lane and attempted to write Him a love song. Friends, it was not easy by any means. But, about a week and a half ago, there it was. I named it "Capture". (I'll most likely post the lyrics up soon...) and I felt like I had finally accomplished what He told me to do. So then came this opportunity to sing at AMTC and I immediately chose "Capture" to sing at my audition. It was an incredible feeling, i must say, since my audition was the first time i had revealed it to anyone. So when I got the call that said "we think you're one of the best songwriters AMTC has seen", you can imagine my excitement.
and now, as i sit here typing this, im wondering how all of this measures up. it seems perfect that i should get in with this song exactly a week after i wrote it. it blew my mind at first. but now, seeing that i would have to do all of this extra stuff that i dont want to do, im not so "blown" about it.
friends, the point is, i need to learn to wait. i need to learn that i wont know everything before it happens. i need to learn to be patient. thats such a hard prayer because asking for patience is easy, learning it is incredibly difficult.
sorry to cut this short, but i have class.
more later. :]
later:
maybe this is one of those lessons of being satisifed with where i am at. that thought alone throws my mind into a chaotic spiral down doubtful road. "but this is what i was made for! this is my destiny! this is everything ive been waiting for and whos to say that this 'opportunity' isn't the breaking point?!" im pretty sure that im going to have to wait for some more extended amount of time...as much as that makes me cringe.
i'll have to be content with what i have, what i am, and what im slowly but surely becoming. so while brooke fraser is traveling the world, saving children's emotional stability through her music, im going to have to be okay with driving my nearly broken green volkswagen beetle with no air conditioner, the windows fully down, and jon foreman and i belting out "i dare you to move" on my twenty minute commute to good 'ol riverside. yes, friends, life is still good even when you don't have a record deal.

Confession of A Recovered Heart

Last night I found myself feeling like I needed to confess everything I've done. I used to be suicidal and majorly depressed and I had given into the world. But, I've never actually told anyone the specifics of what I have done. So here it is, people of the internet. I'm confessing what I've done. Take it how you want to.
I have:
starved myself
worked out for four straight hours and therefore passed out
lied to my therapist when I told her I only did one hundred crunches...it was six hundred.
slapped myself in the face repeatedly
overdosed on excedrin which jumpstarted the addiction to it
abused my left arm with combs, brushes, flashlights anything heavy really...by hitting it until it was numb
picked my scalp until it bled...let it scab up and picked it again
scraped the skin off of my fingers until they bled and then played the piano with them so they would bruise under the skin
taped my wrists to cut off the circulation and burn my skin because the tape was so tight
looked in the mirror and despised myself more than anything i had ever seen.
Lastly, and most terrifyingly, I faced death without God.

Friends, dont face death without Him. Last night, as I was realizing I needed to confess all of this as a part of my healing, I broke down with imediate tears when I thought "I faced death without You." What I thought was the worst thing that could happen to me. What I thought was the worst life possible was about to get worse as I was about to die without my God. I ran away from Him and I almost died. I was hours away from death. And I was not with Him. That terrifies me. I am saved by Him, He loves me more than I hated myself. The song "Amazing Grace" has never rung more true to me. Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound that saved a wretch like me. I once was lost, but now Im found; was blind, but now I see. I can apply that to my life so well and its beautiful. Friends I pray that you wont face death without Him. Please, love Him, let Him save you. Let Him heal you.
Dont face death without Him.

What I've Gained Because of My Eating Disorder

an ignited heart for the lost
Jesus Christ
power
strength beyond comprehension
endurance
a love of flavor
friends
the ability to maintain boundaries
counseling
arms for the broken
faith
trust that was lost
relationships that matter
recovery
a body that is able
enjoyment in life
concentration
purpose
direction
myself again

recovery is possible.
i've gained back the whole world through my divorce from ED.
life is so worth the fight.
keep fighting, ED warriors

i love you.
-ED fighter support

why MY heart?!

Goodness. I have been feeling an immense amount of heartache and burdens beyond comprehension.
I found myself yelling at God, asking Him, "WHY MY HEART!? WHY DID YOU GIVE ME THIS HEART?!"
allow me to explain.
as you might have guessed through reading my blogs, I have a gigantic, enormous, humongous! heart for the broken and lost. I physically feel heart ache when I think, pray, talk, sing...etc...about it. so, friends of the internet, i was asking God why He gave me such a burdened heart. sometimes, its seemingly unbearable. it hurts so much that i dont think i can move. and whats even worse is finding people who feel the same way seems nearly impossible. who has a heart for the broken and lost? i most certainly do and i really need support. friends, i need your support. can we please be broken together? i need a close group of people that feel the same way as i do to only, simply, dedicate their hearts to nothing else but saving the lost and mending the broken through the One who can and will do just that.
friends, i am heart broken as i write this.
do me a favor.
please, if you have a heart that is broken just like this, please, send me a message, comment, text, call, email...telling me so.
sometimes, the enemy likes to feed lies into my brain saying that im the only one that feels this way. i know im not alone. help me to know that, friends. plase, just do this for me.
only message me if you mean it. let me know that you're on my side of this. i need your support.
this is incredibly serious.
lauren

Is it too much to ask? I just want to save lives!!

Lately, I've been so extremely frustrated. Why are we sitting around talking about which boy is cute, what class to take, when to go to the beach, and even why we are going to work? There are people that are suffering! Girls are being sold into brothels by their own parents because they can't afford to take care of them. Can you imagine what these girls are going through? Their poor, young minds must be so extremely traumatized from what they've been through. These arent just stories you hear to make you feel bad and donate money! These are LIVES! Think about someone you know. What if they were sold off into something so terrible and you never saw them again?! And even worse, imagine someone looking through a window at your best friend who has been labeled as a number, not a name, and that person looking through the window calls out your best friend's number. Your best friend has to do whatever that person says or they will get the worst beating of their life. So its either lay down all dignity and obey someone's selfish desires, or excruciating pain awaits. How will they ever know what love is if this is all they have seen? My heart is broken for them! This is such a REALITY. This isnt something that you only hear about! Its REAL! There are incidences of human trafficking even in the land of the "free", the home of the brave. America is guilty of all of this as well. Look it up and let your heart be broken. For with brokenness comes strength. And with strength, we can stop this! How can we sit back and do nothing? How can we let this go on? I feel so much pain thinking about this, let alone let it all spew out on my blog. I cannot stress to you enough how much this hurts me. My heart is so tender for the broken...thats the only way i can explain it to you. We have to do something. Its our job. This is my destiny. Please, I beg you, dont let this pass through your heart. Keep it there, let it stir and boil. And let your heart dwell on it. Pray about it. Lets do something. Lets save lives.

Purple Plants and Modern Dance

Well, hello, internet world, we meet again.

The other night, God gave me this beautiful vision. It started out as a 2-D green plant. Something a kid would draw...

maybe something like this, but without the pot:

there was a brown background. then the plant began to grow. and as it grew, it turned purple and became more 3-D. then it shrank back down and was the same, baby, green, 2-D plant as it was before. and once again it grew, this time bigger. it became more 3-D than before, and more purple than before...then it shrank down again and started all over again. it kept doing this for a long time. i had the sense that there were more plants growing all around this one, but i couldnt see them. for some reason, i knew that they were all growing and shrinking at different rates and different colors. i asked God if there were any that were growing with me, He said, "of course, but you cant see it yet." so i asked, well, will i see it soon? and He said, "soon enough". i think this vision's interpretation has something to do with relationships. i am pretty much always thinking about my future husband :]] and im pretty sure that God was saying, "I will continue to make you grow, then cut you back so you can grow further. There is someone growing with you, but you cant know it yet. You cant see him grow with you until my timing is right." Isnt that pretty sweet? i thought it was. i cant wait for the day...

also. modern dance, as im sure you're wondering "why in the world is ms. mosher's title about plants and modern dance??!!" well, friends of the cyberspace. i had modern dance today, and i do believe i am progressing, however! i pulled my hamstring today, and its extremely painful. so if you could keep me in your prayers, i would appreciate it very much so. i start dance rehearsals for a show im in this week, and i would love to learn the material without a hurt hamstring. thanks!

ms. mosher.